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Hello. Our son is gifted with adhd, as well as a few other diagnoses. We are new to all of this and I keep getting criticism from family along the lines of “don’t push him into gifted, he just needs to be a normal kid”. When I try to explain the asyncrony they say “putting him in gifted will just make the gap wider” or “don’t make him the oddball who can’t make friends” or “don’t you want to just raise a normal happy boy”. Ugh! Trying to explain things to them is hard. Anyone got any resources for explaining 2e/Gifted to people who think you’re crazy?

No resources to recommend, just wanted to say you can come here to talk about that stuff and stop talking to your family about it. That’s what I did. It’s easier. They know my son is in a gifted program and that he also has dyslexia (plus a few other issues) but I don’t share much anymore. Just a general narrative of his overall well being and interests.

Thanks. We went through these same emotions when our DD was born with a congenital birth defect where we heard lots of 'be glad it's not cancer' or 'she's fixed now so quit worrying' (which isn't true, as she's about to have her 10th surgery). While she is a 'normal' kid and functions fine, she still has a long road ahead of her and naturally, we worry about what her future holds, especially in a few years when she becomes a pre-teen. I know some of their comments are generational. When we had psych eval for giftedness and other issues, their response was 'so did she fill you with tons of psychobabble nonsense?' or 'she just says he needs therapy because she probably gets a kick back'. Really?!? My folks are good people and I've always been able to talk to them about EVERYTHING. So it's just hard, when I come across an issue that I can't share with them, because they just don't understand it. I have been reading a book about 2e kids, and highlighting information so that I can show them that we aren't crazy. I've also got a 2e documentary coming and may loan it to them, if I find it will be helpful. It's just hard not to take it personally. My brother has an athlete in the family and they spend crazy money to do travel ball, batting cages, etc....no problems investing in that. But, invest in gifted or 2e and suddenly we are crazy. you know?

Spaghetti, I do agree that they have helpful parenting tips and advice to offer. And generally, they are helpful. I think it's just all so new, and scary, and I'm fearful for him (especially the aspect that 2e kids are more likely to struggle with anxiety, depression, etc). I just hate for him to experience that. They just aren't very understanding or sympathetic. I know they'll come around. I hope.

If your child has become known in the family for behaviors which are now diagnosed as disabilities and/or learning differences... or if his two exceptionalities seem to cancel each other out (making him seem average to a casual observer), it may seem logical to point out his strengths.

Some extended families may unfortunately compare children in what can become a boasting and bragging contest, establishing pecking order and ingrained patterns of interaction.

While aiming for acceptance, understanding, and support for your child, it may unfortunately come across as claims of superiority.

Drama and competition are what one may wish to avoid. Families are different... some are comfortable with a cool, polite distance... some are healthy, even keel, fun-loving, humorous, mutually supportive, forgiving, resilient and open-minded about the diversity of abilities and intellect among their members and get to know/accept/support them well... some are hot, fiery, and emotional... some like to be all up in each other's business. Some extended families are a combination with each member or family unit assigned a predetermined role, with members supporting/heckling each other into guaranteeing a self-fulfilling prophecy.

For general conversation, you'll want to have lots of "safe" items in mind for when you need to change the subject (..."moving right along"...) and segue to a new topic to deflect attention from your child's strengths and weaknesses.

You don't need to explain/defend yourself or your child.

That said, here are a few ideas:

1) “don’t push him into gifted, he just needs to be a normal kid”
Dr. James Webb has often pointed that gifted kids are "normal," they are just not "typical". The opposite of "normal" is "abnormal" and implies something is wrong with them.

Gifted kids, like all kids, need to be accepted for who they are... they need validation, and affirmation. Your child needs this, too.

2) “putting him in gifted will just make the gap wider”
What gap?
- Possibly the gap between your child and same-chronological-age peers?
- Not the gap between your child and academic/intellectual peers.
- Not the gap between your child's potential and your child's achievement.

3) “don’t make him the oddball who can’t make friends”
The appropriate academic placement can actually enhance a child's ability to make friends, by placing him/her among academic/intellectual peers.

4) “don’t you want to just raise a normal happy boy”
Yes, this why he needs to understand his strengths and weaknesses: so he can know and accept self... and others.

For continuing growth and development, kids need:
1) appropriate academic challenge
2) true peers
For typical kids, these needs may be met in a general ed classroom, however for children with higher IQ/giftedness, these needs may not be met without intentional effort in providing advanced curriculum, and grouping for instruction with academic/intellectual peers.
Some negatives which may occur when a child is not learning something new every day include these observations or signs that a child is not appropriately challenged.


IF family members are genuinely interested and concerned, in addition to the two articles linked above about giftedness, there are many articles at Understood.org for explaining disabilities and learning differences.