Gifted Issues Discussion homepage Forums Learning Environments Moving a happy sibling to help the other child

Hi all,
It’s been a while since I last posted. We are needing to move dd8 to a more challenging environment and have found a school that really suits. It is l private though and the waitlist is up to 4 years long.

We have been told by the registrar that we can enrol ds5 immediately though and his sister can skip the waitlist and enter as a sibling.

The problem is it is very expensive, we can afford to send both but there will be a lot of sacrifices. Also ds5 is really very happy at his current school and this year gets a lot of differentiation - he 100% does not want to move.

On the other hand I know that next year this will change as he goes from new entrant to regular classes. Dd8 is starting to disengage with school and now has activities outside of school 6 days a week which would all be absorbed into the school day at the new school. Another big plus is that she would be able to drop down to her own age level and get real differentiation in the class meaning it’s fairer for her in sport and academic awards which she is highly motivated by.

We toured the school and there was no question of her being treated as a gate student and they showed as examples of kids working up to 5 years ahead did by side their age peers.
So - should we take the plunge and make dd5 move or keep his sister in a very mediocre environment and watch her fade into average.

Interesting dilemma. I have a question and a few preliminary thoughts.

Question -
In addition to touring the school, did each of your children have an opportunity to shadow for a day, or half-day?

Preliminary Thoughts -
Since you believe that this year's K5 experience is a uniquely good "fit" which will most likely not repeat for DS next year or thereafter... it occurs to me that the best route may be to carefully explain this... so that the child understands that both siblings will find the opportunities at the new school to be a better "fit", ongoing. Hopefully DS5 will consider his older sister's experiences, and see that he is the lucky one, not having to suffer at age 6, 7, 8 until you found the better "fit" of the new school.

Kids need both appropriate academic challenge, and intellectual peers. If this school offers both...

A few things to consider, if you have not already.

How sure are you that the current school will become a "bad fit" next year or within the next few years for DS5?

Is it possible to leave him there and move as needed later? Does a sibling get preference later as far as admission, despite the waitlist?

There is a value to the financial savings for DS5 until such time as he needs a private school.

I would not keep the older child in a bad fit environment just to keep younger child in it. If logistically it is possible to handle two schools, I'd look hard at that option.

So you have to move the younger to provide access for the older? I wouldn't tell him that but he will adapt to a move. Re kids working 5 years above beside their peers. Are their needs being met or are they self yeachinh while the others arw taught.

Thanks - as it was a first tour there was n shadowing but I understand this can be arranged as necessary. Dd5 refused to visit it he was sick so he stayed home.
At the moment his class is play based so he gets a lot of one on one attention but 2nd term in and he has already completed the curriculum. They can push him ahead ( which they did with dd) but will run into problems with the format of the class. I agree that it will benefit both.

Seems to me that if you move the younger child against his wishes to accommodate the older child, you'll just be moving the "unhappy" sticker from the eight-year-old to the five-year-old.

As others have mentioned, you don't know how happy your older child will be at the new school, and you'll be spending a lot of money to find out while making the younger one unhappy.

I'd look for another solution.

Definitely 100% sure it will be a bad fit. He is quite small and the next 2 classes up terrify him due to several older and large boys being held back due to intellectual disabilities ( think 20 Kg heavier ) 8 years old in a class of 6 year olds for violent behaviour.

The private school has said both kids or none until the waitlist clears. The classes all have some elf teaching but this is guided by professors, drs and specialty teachers. Kids are permitted to participate in ability appropriate programmes, ie a 7 year d is inthe high school orchestra.

No sure what another solution is. We can’t home school, and this is the only private school that suits our family values. I don’t want our daughter being bored all day and then having to learn more at home. Happy for any suggestions😊

I would probably spend some time making it clear to the five-year-old why you are sure his current school will become a bad fit (if I'm understanding that part correctly), and also making it clear to both kids that while you want to hear their thoughts and will take them into account, at the end of the day, this decision belongs to the parents, not the kids. Then I'd move them both.

Do you mean the private school has violent kids 20 kg heavier than him?

If so, then I see multiple alarm bells screaming DON'T MOVE THAT KID. If I'm wrong, ignore the following, but I would advise in the strongest possible terms against moving a child out of a happy situation to a dangerous environment just to make a sibling happy. Find another solution. Or the sibling can just wait and you can figure something out in the meantime.

If the current school is the one with the violent kids, then yes, move him.

Hi Val - def the current school with the big kids! They were in ds class last year when he did his visits. The school has already approved his skip so we def know he’ll be in that cohort. They are just keeping him where he is for as long as possible

Ugh - that's a tough one.

My huge gut reaction upon just reading the headline was "absolutely not!" You can't use one kid to their detriment, as a means to an end for the other kid. My whole being revolts at the very thought.

But of course, your situation is way more complicated than that. So here's my two cents worth. As the parent, you have a lot more info, perspective and wisdom about the big picture and the long term. If next year for your younger is likely to go downhill as quickly and as badly as you say, then it's your responsibility as a parent to make the best decision for your child - a decision a five year old is definitely not equipped to make.

So the question then, really, is how confident are you of your assessment of what's probably going to happen to DS next year? If you dig deep down and painfully scrutinize your own motives, are you confident that you are assessing clearly, and not retroactively justifying the move? If DD wasn't in the picture, and you just looked at where you'd want DS next year, would you still want to move him anyways? There's a big difference between he doesn't *want* to move, and he doesn't *need* to move. In the former case, I think parental expertise over-rules. In the latter, child preference becomes much more relevant.

So then the question becomes: is it in this child's best interest to move, and the actual problem is just that he doesn't know it yet? That's a pretty simple problem to address, and an easy decision. Or is the core question that moving is a more neutral matter, and it's really more about his sister's best interest than his own? That's a harder question. Reading your description, it's not clear if you're confident in your own mind that the move is best for him for his own sake, so I think that's where you have to start. You may need more confidence that you know what the real question is.

Despite my visceral initial reaction above, though, the reality is families have to make these kinds of choices all the time. They're just usually not presented quite as starkly as your decision here. Every time we move a kid out of their standard pathway and/ or neighbourhood school, it has impacts on the whole family. There's tons of opportunity cost, such as parent time lost to other children for transporting the moved one; loss of access to after school activities and playing; reduced family income to spend on other things, etc etc. Every time we move one kid, we have to think about both the benefits and the costs, and how those distribute, which is rarely "fairly" or evenly, particularly in the moment. The best I have been able to do is try to make sure it balances over the long term, and help my living-in-the-moment children increase their awareness of that bigger picture. I don't think you have a right or wrong answer here, as long as you are really, really honest with yourself and your family about both the short-and long-term drivers and impacts of this decision.

If you can really afford it (take an honest look at the sacrifices and whether they are sustainable in the long run) I would move both.
As platypus says, I’d also take an honest look at how much worse the situation could really get for your DS and whether the new school might be as good a fit for him as for DD, but I have to say that a school deciding to meet the needs of intellectually disabled children with violent tendencies by moving them two grades down would be a huge red flag for me!
Agree that some choices can’t be up to 5 year olds. If you feel that the more expensive school suits him well and the sacrifices don’t impact him (or other family members) unduly, I’d move them both.

Whether students get proper differentiation is almost 100% teacher dependent. It is very likely that next year, your son's teacher will not be as helpful (because not helpful is the norm), and then he will be in the same place your daughter is now.

If you can swing it financially, I'd put both kids in the private school.

Thank you everyone - so much to think about!

I was told by a mother who has older kids at the current school that based on past experiences ds could be moved up to the next class as early as next term to make room for new kids ( they start on their 5th bday here) I guess that would give us 6 months to see how he goes in the bigger class. This btw is how they handled dd’s skip - 6 months in each class.

how about negotiating with the younger sibling and giving it a try ... say ... 3months or 6 months ... chances are that this child WILL find friends quickly and like the new school but if not ... you can return to the old school ... less convenient to have two kids in different schools but they won’t kick out the older child out of the private one once they are both accepted and with the money saved you can arrange after school care or transport if needed.
I WOULD at least insist on a trial ... I am not one to torture my kids and both of them are emotional and sensitive ... if they don’t like their school I WILL find them another option but I do make them try something that I think might be good for them . It is a compromise for all involved ... trying out a school for a few months or even one schoolyear will not be super dramatic for a young child ( and believe me ... my kids had the worst seperatiin axiety ) ... I worried myself sick over every school change and what happened every single time was ... tears the first day, an ok second day and then ... new friends, a wonderful item from the treasure box or an exiting playground and ... child was just as happy as before ...

Unfortunately, some of the private/independent/parochial school contracts require full payment even if the child no longer attends. Read and understand your contract.