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    Joined: Mar 2018
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    Isabel Offline OP
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    Hi, I posted a message in the Identification forum some days ago (which Aeh kindly answered)regarding DS5, who has recently been identified as gifted. The idea that he might be gifted has been lurking in my mind since he was about two, but now that it has been confirmed it all feels very unreal and I don�t really know what to do about it, so I would really appreciate some insights or suggestions.

    Background information: DS5 results were FSIQ 131, GAI 149, with relatively low WM and PS. My initial plan was to have him tested (IQ tests are quite inexpensive where I live), put the results in a drawer and use them only as a tool if he developed any problems, but I am now wondering whether I should do more than this.

    Currently, DS5:
    -Doesn�t really �look� gifted, apart from some occasional glimpses of high ability, so I don�t expect his teachers are aware of his potential.
    -Is very social and doesn�t want to be different from his friends, even if this means hiding what he is capable of.
    -Has huge meltdowns when frustrated and easily gets angry.
    -Says he�s smart, but not very smart, because he doesn�t know all the answers.
    -Tends to say he cant�t do difficult things without even trying (usually says �I can�t do it, you tell me�, then I say he has to try before I tell him and he often does it right).
    -Is quite happy about his play-based school, but doesn�t seem to be learning much. I think he basically likes it because he gets to play with his friends. His teacher says he is fine and enjoys the activities he proposes, which is a doubled edged sword because it is not easy to advocate for a child who seems happy and doesn�t complain.
    -Doesn�t seem to have many interests. He likes Lego sets, but only wants to build them following the instructions and doesn�t want to play with them alone.

    We don�t live in the US, so we have no access to DYS or any GT programs, and there are no GT schools where we live. Gifted children are placed in standard schools and can get either enrichment within their grade or acceleration. I am already working on finding an intellectual peer group for him and we are planning to join the local GT Association, but I don�t know what else to do.

    Any book you can recommend? Any suggestions? I have been reading through the forum, but I am new to this and I don�t even know where to begin.
    Thank you very much for your help!

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    I would suggest starting with his red flag for future problems. The "smart" label. Young children often perceive smart as "getting all the right answers" and/or "knowing more than my classmates". This is a huge problem because these children are likely to stop participating because of the risk of getting the answer to a question wrong. When they eventually reach a point where they don't "just know" the answers and start getting things wrong, they can have an identity crisis! If the only facet of identity they recognize in a social setting is being "smart", when it doesn't come easily, then "I'm not smart" and that's earthshattering for them.

    Your son's play based school might be perfect for him right now. I would suggest asking his teachers to praise his character traits rather than his knowledge. If he can start building his identity as "I am kind" or "I am persistent", he will have more resilience than if the core of his developing identity is "I am smart."

    I would suggest looking for mentors for him - perhaps a teenager. Someone who can model their mistakes. It was life-changing for me - in high school as a anxious perfectionist talente artist - to have an opportunity to see a professional artist's sketch pad. I was dumbfounded! There were mistakes. There were sketches he quit and started over. Even the professionals I idolized made mistakes. I had no idea. And even recently, in my 30's, I claimed to hate math. Until I took a math class with a professor who wasn't pompous and confessed his mathematical errors without embarasssment. It was then that I learned that the secret to math isn't a lack of mistakes - it's checking your work to find your mistakes.

    Be free and relaxed making mistakes. Admit them to your son, model them, let them be a continuous non-event.


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    If he is 5 and happy you don't need to aadvocate. Save that for when he is unhappy or older. Just watch for perfectionism or challenge averseness and let him play.

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    Isabel Offline OP
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    Thank you very much for your answers.

    Sanne - what you suggest is very interesting! I certainly make plenty of mistakes (I am terribly absent-minded, so I am always forgetting things) but I'll try to model seeing those mistakes in a constructive way (I still have to learn this myself).

    After reading your answers, I guess my question is: how do you know when you have to "do something" about school? This might be obvious if your child is complaining or displaying certain behaviours, but DS is very adaptative and hates feeling isolated, so he soon finds common ground with his peers.

    Right now he seems happy, but I know for a fact he already knows many of the things they are learning. They've been working on a (very basic) project about the Solar System for many months now. DS could identify all the planets and was building models of the Solar System when he was two, but he doesn't seem to mind to do it all over again.

    He taught himself to read shortly after turning 4 and was writting and spelling at 3, but more than one year later he can't read fluently and doesn't want to practice either (none of his friends can read yet as the school won�t teach them until they are 6).

    Last year, when he was 4, they did a small math-related project (which simply involved writting numbers). He was so excited that he would wake me up in the morning asking about addition facts, then figured out how to add and substract tens, then how to add two digit numbers in his head, then how to do operations with negative numbers, but I don�t think he ever mentioned any of this this at school.

    I am not planning to do anything about this right now (the Summer is almost here, anyway), but should I just let him be, as long as he is happy and doesn�t complain? He�s not a child who likes pursuing his own projects at home. He mainly wants to do what his friends do.

    Last edited by Isabel; 04/19/18 03:06 AM.
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    If your child is happy at school, that's a pretty good reason not to mess with it unnecessarily. There's huge value in being part of your community and building social connections, especially if it's a neighbourhood school.

    In thinking about whether you need to do something different, a lot of people like to start with "What a child doesn't learn" (https://www.wku.edu/gifted/documents/resource_articles/what_a_child_doesnt_learn.pdf ). It's hugely important that our kids learn how to work hard, do hard work, fail, and persevere nonetheless. But there's lots of places other than school where they can learn this, from music, to sports, to extracurricular robotics. Same goes for their strengths and areas of passion - there are usually tons of clubs, community activities and on-line resources that enable kids to pursue areas of interest outside of school.

    When is that not enough? Some common reasons include a child who is becoming more isolated - does not fit in well with their class, lacks mainstream interests (especially sports), and needs to find more like-minded peers. Some kids desperately need advanced material in their area of passion, but simply do not have the energy after a day of school to pursue as an extracurricular - they're going to get it at school or not at all. Some passions are easier to pursue in school than others, and teachers tend to be more comfortable with some topics than others (math, for example, is hard to dive into in younger grades without acceleration). For some kids, a too-easy curriculum builds perfectionism and fear of challenge.

    I found that a big flag for me was when my child seemed to be a different person in certain extracurriculars vs at school (especially when teachers saw a lot of negative work habits that didn't exist in other environments). Other parents describe feeling like their child has lost their "oomph": they're not actively unhappy, but they're just kind of - - - flat.

    Bottom line: ideally, we're trying to ensure our kids can feed their passions, love learning, and learn how to learn. Some kids can do this outside of school, others simply must have it in school. It depends on the mix of child, family, teachers, school, geography, district policy.... and so not only is it different for every kid, it also changes all the time.

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    Isabel Offline OP
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    It seems that my last message got lost, so here it goes again.

    Thank you very much for your reply, Platypus, it was very helpful. I am not sure whether your comment about children being flat may apply to DS. He’s friendly and cheerful, but he certainly doesn’t have the zest for learning that he had before entering school.

    Still, as he seems reasonably happy and feels accepted by the other children I’ll just keep watching and won’t mess with it, at least for a while.

    There is a chance that he will be in a mixed-age classroom next year, together with children two or three years older, so I suppose the teacher could just encourage him to work with the older children in some areas while keeping the same friends and environment.

    Maths is one area of concern as they seem to be one of his strengths – I guess this might be normal for GT children, but he just figures out math concepts without previous explanation or exposure.

    Anyway, this message was mainly to express my gratitude to the members of this wonderful community for all the help you provide to those of us who are still beginning this journey.

    Last edited by Isabel; 04/23/18 01:37 PM.
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    You've received great advice above. smile I'll just add a few resources and suggestions...
    Originally Posted by Isabel
    Any book you can recommend? Any suggestions?
    Reading material:

    Book...
    A Parent's Guide to Gifted Children, by James Webb PhD, et al
    (Dr. Webb is the founder of SENG, also Great Potential Press)

    Websites...
    - Supporting the Emotional Needs of the Gifted (SENG)
    - Hoagies' Gifted Education Page
    - Davidson Database
    - Gifted Homeschoolers Forum (GHF)
    - Mensa for Kids

    publishers...
    - Great Potential Press
    - Prufrock Press
    - free spirit publishing
    - Magination Press, APA

    roundup of topics frequently discussed on the forums...
    (The "roundup of common Behavior characteristics and early milestones which may indicate giftedness" may be of particular interest.)

    Suggestions:
    1) Follow your child's lead
    - When your child is young, this usually means: don't push or "hot-house" or "Tiger parent."
    - When your child is older, this usually means: don't over-protect or be a "helicopter parent" or a "lawn-mower parent."

    2) Document
    - Keep dated records at home in a safe place regarding what your child does... including lists of books read, interests, classes, camps, projects, etc.
    - In the future, selected material from this collection may used to...
    --- track trends,
    --- build a portfolio,
    --- apply to a program, camp, class, or volunteer service opportunity,
    --- provide an inspiration and/or theme for a college admissions essay.
    - When your child is older, he can take over the task of documenting his learning experiences, achievements, and accomplishments.

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    Isabel Offline OP
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    Thanks a lot!
    I'll read and (try to) process all this information and then maybe come back for more wink


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