Gifted Issues Discussion homepage Forums General Discussion Gifted Struggles

People think that gifted people have something to be jealous about and that their lives would be so much better if they were gifted. I know it has its benefits, but there are also lots of struggles that come along the way. I just wanted to start this topic for people to share sturuggles and to know that they are not alone. I�ll share one... I cannot stop messing around in math because I get bored because I already know the math.

My DD13 can identify.

Her biggest struggle comes because she's formally identified as gifted but often in mixed classrooms - students (and one teacher she had for two years) making fun of her when she makes a mistake because she's supposed to be the smart one.

The biggest struggle comes from being lonely in a crowd for my DS. He is an extreme extrovert but struggles to find commonality with the other kids around him who have no interest whatsoever in anything he has pursued in-depth. He knows that he is different, and knows that he can connect with the popular kids with sports, so he gravitates towards more sports than he actually wants to do, just to be around some friends. And he spends a lot of his life "blending in" and not "standing out".

Our daughter is somewhat a version of Sheldon Cooper from TBBT. Not as oblivious as he is but at times not having the most "common sense". Although in defense of her others kids in the gifted program were much worse than her.

Another perspective: giftedness actually is something to envy.

Sure, it comes with struggles, but nothing in life is pure benefit, with the possible exception of being tetrachromatic. I can't think of a downside to seeing extra colors, though this could be a failure of my imagination.

Over the years, I've met a lot of people who get downright whiny about how hard it is to be intelligent, and I think, "Would you rather have struggled to understand basic arithmetic or Intro to Business Studies? Would you prefer that your career options be limited at birth to basic manual labor? Would you rather...?"

I agree that people can be mean, and it's not right to pick on someone over something they were born with. But everyone is susceptible to this problem. Who gets picked on depends on the environment at a given time. The trick is to understand this fact and try to work with it.

Similarly, the bias problem is exacerbated when people put themselves into little groups and don't see that mistreatment against their group has the same roots as mistreatment of another group. Prejudices harm everyone. Belittling someone over intelligence has the same roots as belittling people over the music they like or where their parents came from or [insert anything innate here]. So there is nothing special about being mistreated because you're smart, but there is something very special about being smart.

Use your intellect to do something magnificent, whether it's finding a new way to increase energy efficiency in a building, or getting the PTA organized so it gets meaningful stuff done, or figuring out how gravity and quantum mechanics are connected. Only smart people can do those things, and being one of them is a privilege!

My perspective: struggle is inherent to the human condition...but so are joy, beauty, growth, transformation, compassion...none of these are restricted to GT or non-GT individuals.

I have had many, many students, some GT, others disabled, a few both, who have privately expressed the same sense of isolation, difference, and rejection, going back for years, but who then found their people in our nontraditional secondary setting, and were able both to experience the relief of being accepted and understood, and to turn their struggles into compassion for others on the margins.

This is a story I have now heard so many hundreds of times that I have concluded that it is the perception that everyone else fits in easily that is the misconception. We know our own stories, and the tears others do not see, but others have their own hidden pain, as well. Our own struggles are a pathway to empathy for others'.

Beautifully put, aeh

I have one child who thrives on learning and being one of the brightest in his group, but another who hates feeling singled out. So she hides her intelligence, and tries to convince her teachers that she doesn't know answers. I wish I could find a way to help her be more comfortable in her own skin like her brother, but unfortunately she is just so embarrassed about not being "average". It's painful to watch:(

IMO, the pressure to conform, i.e. act NT is far more intense among girls (based on a sample of 1 admittedly). YMMV

For my DS13 8th grader, he struggles with trying to fit in since few "get" him including his teachers, a task that is made all the more difficult by the fact he is about 5ft 11, maybe 105 lbs. soaking wet, and has facial hair that he hates but that he does not want to shave until school is out for the year so that "no one makes a big deal about it". And yikes, he won't be 14 until mid-August.

Middle school....ick.

AEH- That made me tear up. Thank you. And Val, I will convey your message to my DS.

Our DD12 8th grader has sometimes been written off as disrespectful by some teachers as she doesn't accept the pat answer. She will question question question... The good teachers love it because they know she is engaged. We had a current teacher write some snarky comments on DS's report card this year actually using the phrase, "little intellectual". On the other hand one of the teachers actually gave DD work tailored just to her!! So exciting!

Socially? It's tough. Right now DD is friends with a boy who also doesn't fit in. She just isn't in to typical 8th grade interests. She quit bringing books about science to school several years ago because girls were making fun of her. I would say that I doubt students at our new school would do that as it's very academically focused.

Welcome! People who are struggling with gifted issues are definitely not alone. Great idea for a thread, to provide affirmation, validation, and support to those experiencing gifted struggles. Because your example of struggling was messing around in math class due to boredom as you already know the material, it sounds like you are a gifted kid. Hopefully someone is advocating for you, and/or helping you learn to self-advocate for a better "fit" in school... matching the curriculum to the student, for your continued growth and development. I also hope that you are not getting into trouble or being treated harshly for messing around in math... not being pointed out in an embarrassing way... not being given detentions, etc... as your behavior does not appear to be the root cause of a problem but rather a symptom of a problem.

I see basically two sources of many gifted struggles:

1) Intrinsic differences.
Gifted are different, a small minority of the population, about 2%. Highly, exceptionally, profoundly gifted are even more rare. Therefore it may be difficult for gifted kids to meet true peers. It can be lonely being gifted and having few others with the same interests, insight, understanding, and knowledge base. Being different can be isolating: No one to talk to, who "gets" you. Kids can suffer.

2) Extrinsic differences.
The educational system is intentionally set up with a focus on bringing the population up to a standard, and tends to neglect or even de-motivate those functioning/performing/achieving above the standard. Gifted kids often do not get their needs met for appropriately challenging curriculum and pacing, to continue their growth and development. Rather there is a focus on closing the achievement gap... which may entail capping the growth of students at the top. There are other posts of negative school strategies/techniques/policies/approaches which gifted pupils have experienced as schools work to achieve equal outcomes among all pupils. These strategies may often create gifted struggles. Some of the negative experiences of the gifted being treated differently have included the underhanded strategies listed in this brief roundup:
- requiring 100% on pretests
- selective access to redo opportunities
- announcing "pop quiz" dates to selected students while withholding information from others
- spreading the credentials among a broader bunch of students (at high school level)
- differentiated task demands
- standards-based grading
- policies which lack transparency
- denying accelerated students their earned awards
- withholding acknowledgement of accomplishments, to appease wealthy donors

Some signs of struggle and suffering may indicate that a change is needed or may be overdue.