Gifted Issues Discussion homepage Forums Parenting and Advocacy Death in the family

I don't know where to ask but I need help. My DH's Uncle died today. He had cancer that went undiagnosed until 3 weeks ago and died very quickly. We really didn't even know he was terminal until last week. We really didn't have a chance to even visit him until last night and he died today. My DS4 really loved him and we didn't bring him last night because I was unsure if it was appropriate. I had told him that he was dieing only 2 days ago and he looked at me and went silent (he is NEVER silent), when I asked him if he wanted to talk about it he just shock his head and said he was too sad. When we got home last night he had a long discussion with me that he wanted to go see him and say good-bye. I said I would think about it. Now I feel horrible that I didn't get there today with him. When I told him he was dead he just held me. I tried to explain that his soul is in heaven and he is no longer in pain, which I think he is still trying to digest. He understands death because our dog died over a year ago and other family members that he wasn't close to have passed. He has gone to the funerals with us, but not to the casket.

Are there any books that might help? Any advise or experiences you could share would be very helpful. It is so hard to see such a little boy be so smart and understand this. It is breaking my heart more then the death of this beloved family member.

Nancy

Nancy,
I�m sorry for your family�s loss. I know our school counselor holds a group for students who have experienced the death of a loved one. Maybe your local public district could recommend some books.

My cousin�s son was 9 when she was killed by a drunk driver. I know that it was important to him to see her body. Of course, 4 years old is a world of difference. My son was 8 when my father was �thought� to be dying. My son wanted to spend time at the hospital room with him. He accepted all of the unpleasantness of that environment better than any of the other children and many of the adults.

Let your son tell you what he needs, then consider whether it is appropriate based on his mental age.

Diana

We've had more than our share of death discussion this past year - 2 beloved great grandparents and a cat. This also brought up lots of questions about my father's death many years before they were born. I have 2 kids - DS7 & DD5.

One thing I did is google "children death". There is lots of good info on development and expected reactions - just jump to a little older child's description for some good hints.

The kids did not attend the GG's funerals due to the distance involved. I discovered that although DD4 (at the time) had an unusually mature understanding of the permanence of death, I had to be really careful how I explained things to her. When we talked about funeral she wanted to know all about the process so I explained graveyards, burial, caskets... This lead to the �what is a casket� question. I told her it was a box that you put the body in when you are getting ready to bury it. She thought about that for a while and asked me if you had to chop the body up in little pieces to make it fit in the box. I was initially appalled by the question, but it made a horrible kind of sense. She�s probably never seen a box big enough for a body. Eventually I showed pictures of the casket and the gravesite.

If I could have taken the kids to one of the funerals, I think I would have. Oddly enough, the cat�s death seems to have helped. We had a little ceremony in the backyard, and DD5 has mentioned a few times that the GG�s are buried like the cat. Participating in the cat's ceremony seems to have helped her understand that death is a natural ending to life, and that it's OK to be sad.

Got to go. She's up and demanding food.

I'm so sorry to hear about your loss. I've heard of familys getting a "short lived" pet, such as a mouse, just for this purpose, but never done it myself. Still the idea that somewhere there is a family who had the nerve to dig a little grave, and then dig it up a week or two later to check how things were going to be very reassuring. My DS lost his great uncle at age 3 and death was a big part of his imagination. On night he drifted off to sleep saying...bug eat plant, bird eat bug, fox eat bird...ma...ma...what...eat...fox?....zzzzz

Of course he woke up the next morning asking the same question!

Best Wishes,
Trinity

Nancy:
Those things are never easy but kids look at death differently than we do. If you are calm and not frightened, your son will be calm. From personal experience:
When my son (Ghost) was 4 years old, my father passed away unexpectedly and suddenly in Europe. It was in August. My kids and I have spend 7 weeks visiting my parents at the beginning of summer, so the memories of Grandpa were fresh in their minds (my daughter was 2 at that time). I took my kids and we flied to Europe again, attended the funeral and spend another month helping my mom adjust to the new situation. Before the funeral I could not bear myself to go to the funeral home and see my dad in the casket. I wanted to remember my dad alive, I wanted to remember this last hug he gave me at the airport before my flight to Paris... I stayed outside with my two year old who was to whiny to go inside at that time. But my 4 year old wanted to go and see Grandpa in his casket. He still remembers all about it - he is 12 now - and never had any bad dreams or anything like that after that. I honestly believe that if you listen to your child and not hide anything from them, they are able to "grow' to the situation.
Death is a part of our lives and we should not protect our kids from it. If we treat death naturally our kids will do the same thing. Grief is a part of growing up. I found out about my father's death via a phone call at 2 A.M. You can imagine how shaken I was when I woke up Ghost the next morning. And he sensed that immediately, but I was frank with him. I was shocked at my father's death and it was OK to mourn.
Last spring my father in law passed away. He had leukemia and we were expecting it. Even though, when Ghost spoke to him over the phone for the last time, he told him to please hold on until the summer so they could see each other for the last time. I thought it was beautiful...He died before Ghost could fly to see him...
We went over the summer and visited his grave. My both kids were absolutely OK with the fact that he had died...
I am an oncology nurse and frequently I bring home stories about my patients, so my kids do hear a lot about dying. The only advice I have is BE HONEST. Do not hide anything for the fear of hurting your kids. It is the lies about death that will hurt them. But remember, it is never easy because we project our own experiences upon our kids. So relax and let your son choose what to do next. You won't regret that decision... And do pray for this uncle with your son if you are religious, it helps bring perspective to everything we do.
Ania