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    Joined: Jun 2017
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    Ive known that I was "smart" my whole life, but it was drilled into me that I was really not that far off from average.
    I wanted To be an FBI behavioral analyst, I wanted to be a psychologist, a linguist... many things. Each was discouraged because it was always said that I was too lazy and not smart enough to do these, since I wasnt able to load the dishwasher properly (or do chores in general) on time.
    Now I learn that my mom KNEW. She and my dad KNEW. I was academically tested every couple of years (homeschooler) and they told me it was normal to test 3-5 grades above my age grade but that I wouldnt be able to skip because I was too lazy.
    Looking back, THEY say that I was too concerned with not being out of grade from about 3rd-7th, but that is not how I remember it... I remember being bored, and wanting to advance but always being told I couldn't because I was falling behind in math. (ah lady math... my old nemasis.)
    I dobt know... I am just... angry.
    I am angry that my parents knew but seemed to keep me in this rut, especially after 5th grade because it "wasnt possible to ever skip grades or get ahead after 5th grade" and then when I, as a teenager, expressed interest in sciences (soft ones, but still) it was discouraged because of "secular" teachings... and now here I am, a female college drop out at 25 who was reading up on gifted kids because of my own DD and EVERY ASSPECT resonates with me. The gnawing maddening BOREDOM (especially as an adult), the testing far above your level, the failure at something like math but OH BOY could I school you in language, and history. I had an interest in biology, but that didnt last long because "evolution is lies/evil"...
    Idk. Im just angry, frusterated, and confused.

    Has anyone gone through that? And how did you get over it?
    And how do I get past the walls that I put up? Its like my brain has atrophied because I desperately tried to be normal, or rather my parents normal, for so long...

    (sorry about spelling. Ive never liked it. Waste of time if you can get the word accross in my oppinion... besides, itll change in a generation or two anyways...)

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    I'm sorry your experience was so painful. =(

    I did not have your experience, so I will not pretend I know how it feels, but FWIW...you still have your mind, your lovely child, and whatever years remain ahead of you. It is possible (based on what you've shared so far) that you may also have an unidentified learning disability that made the academic picture for you much less clear, both to you, and possibly to your parents (e.g., inconsistencies between standardized testing and daily performance).

    I highly doubt your brain has atrophied, but it may be that there are other ways of learning that would suit you more than the conventional school approach. You might try giving yourself some positive experiences--watching educational youtubes on subjects of interest to you, learning new non-academic skills of interest (trades, crafts, technical skills, arts, etc.), becoming the expert on your child.

    IDK your parents, and can't speak to their motivations, but as a parent yourself, I'm sure you know that most of us are doing the best we can with what we have and know. We'll get it wrong a lot of the time, and pray that our children will be gracious enough to forgive us, or at least be able to let it go, and move on from it.

    As adults, we make our own choices with the lives and life history we've been given up to that point. I think understanding and listening to your own DC, to give her a better experience than you had, would be a good place to start. (BTW, you will need many of the same types of skills that you would have needed to be successful in all three of the professions you named, in this endeavor!)


    ...pronounced like the long vowel and first letter of the alphabet...
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    Originally Posted by KaitiBeard
    Has anyone gone through that? And how did you get over it?
    And how do I get past the walls that I put up? Its like my brain has atrophied because I desperately tried to be normal, or rather my parents normal, for so long...

    Yes, and yes. For what it's worth, I was identified early as gifted and still went through the same thing because nobody explained what that meant: they basically said, "You're good in school but that's it, so don't let it go to your head." Being ID'd is far from a miracle ticket to your own best life...most of the advice I was given was terrible, and the "opportunities" either hollow wastes of time or actively destructive. I had to learn how to think for myself on my own, and it took a lot of "unlearning" of the bad advice. So don't assume that you're a million times farther back than you would have been if ID'd. School isn't all it's cracked up to be, sadly.

    As for getting over it: I decided to teach myself how to be gifted and see how far I got. Now I wish I'd started doing that back in fourth grade when I was ID'd! It was hard at first because I wasn't sure how to find resources that were both high-quality and accessible, but it turns out that's one of the first steps in learning to teach and think for yourself. I quickly found out that there's a lot more to "the life of the mind" than they teach you in class. I started off with classically "intellectual" things from high school: chess, math, Shakespeare, history, just to give myself confidence that, yes, I could do the classic smart-kid thing if I tried. Then I continued with the things I liked and dropped the things I didn't, and kept branching out for new subjects in the meantime. If you have a local university, I highly recommend getting borrowing privileges if you can. And learn how to tell the difference between good and bad information! That's key.

    As for the fury that comes with knowing now what life could have been like... It comes and goes. It took about six months to really break through the wall of "HOW THE F*** COULD THIS HAVE HAPPENED?!?" to get to "Thank God I finally figured it out instead of doodling around for the rest of my life not knowing any of this." It's great, and worth the wait.

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    I wish I could give you a hug. I'm old enough to be your mom, and I can completely relate to your story. I understand your anger. My parents insisted that I was smart and should be doing better, but didn't understand how far away from the norm I really was or how that might affect my learning style and ability to make friendships. They still don't get it. They don't get my kids either.

    Don't give up. If you can possibly find the time, and the money, finish college. Major in anything. I dropped out twice before finally finishing. I'll never be a neurologist, but I am glad I have my degree. But if you can't find the time, the money, or inclination, then stop worrying about it. Many brilliant people have dropped out of school.

    Don't limit yourself. You're 25. I'm sure that feels ancient. I remember being 25 and I felt ancient then, but I'm almost twice as old now and I don't feel any older. How's that for irony? Life is a marathon, not a sprint.

    Find a therapist. Check out Paula Prober and her Rainforest Mind website if you don't have the time or money to meet with someone. Her blog might resonate with you. If not hers, there are quite a few out there for gifted adults.

    Be a fierce advocate for your DD. Standing up for my kids and striving to support and understand them and their issues has helped me to understand and accept myself.

    I couldn't agree with your more on the spelling or language change. My DS threw a massive fit when his brother called him a Nube the other day. Or is it Newb? Noob? Who knows?

    I hope this helps a little bit. These are the steps that have worked for me. If nothing else, I can totally relate to how you feel, and I'm sure that there are more of us out there.


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    KaitiBeard,

    While you've had a difficult past with needs that weren't met, your past does not have to define you unless you let it. Holding on to anger will get you nowhere. This may seem impossible to you at the moment, but at 25 you do truly hold your future in your own hands. I went through not exactly the same thing at around the same age... but was feeling very frustrated with my life and wishing things had been different in my past, and the single best thing I did for myself then was to see a counselor. The counselor helped me come up with a strategy to focus on finding out who I was and learning how to put the past where it belonged - in the past.

    This may also fly a bit against the typical feeling here too.. but fwiw, as the parent of kids who have had their high abilities recognized during their childhood - no matter how tough it might be not to have had your intellectual strengths met in school, IQ alone won't carry anyone through life. It's our values, ability to preservere, empathy and compassion for others, that carry us through life as successful, happy human beings (please note - that's not an all-inclusive list... just a few examples!) I suspect you have what it takes to find happiness in your own life - and you're blessed to have a child to share it with too....

    Wishing you the best in your future,

    polarbear

    ps - fwiw, ita with aeh:

    Originally Posted by aeh
    IDK your parents, and can't speak to their motivations, but as a parent yourself, I'm sure you know that most of us are doing the best we can with what we have and know. We'll get it wrong a lot of the time, and pray that our children will be gracious enough to forgive us, or at least be able to let it go, and move on from it.

    As adults, we make our own choices with the lives and life history we've been given up to that point. I think understanding and listening to your own DC, to give her a better experience than you had, would be a good place to start. (BTW, you will need many of the same types of skills that you would have needed to be successful in all three of the professions you named, in this endeavor!)

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    There are a lot of good advice here so far - and I would agree that counseling and finding ways to move forward is key.

    Although I have not experienced what you have with the GT issues as a child, I have had challenges due to late diagnosis of a disability that did impact a significant part of my childhood (to the point that whether I had any GT services or not was trivial in comparison to the challenges I had to deal with).

    What aeh and polarbear have said are what for me were keys to moving forward when I was your age... understanding that the past does not have to define you, and also understanding that our parents' own experiences (and to some extent, the world around them at that time) will have shaped their perspectives on raising their children as best they could see, fairly or unfairly. Ultimately, although the past may have impacted your life, as polarbear has said, it does not have to define who you are or who your DD will be.

    It is easy to spend time on "what-ifs" - I certainly had dwelled on a lot of "what if" as a child and early adulthood. I did not experience the anger you show towards your parents, but I used to wonder how different things could have been with all these 'what-ifs'. However, I do understand my parents' perspective a lot more now, especially having my own children and I understand the choices they made regarding how they dealt with my education and development. When I was younger, it felt like my disability defined who I was - but with time and perspective, it is just a part of who I am but not the central focus of my identity. It is certainly not the defining characteristic of who I am to my children.

    IQ will only be one aspect of what makes who you are today and moving forward - it won't be the reason you rise or fall, although it will provide you a tool you can use to move on (or not). You can decide how much you let the past consume you and how you can move forward.




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    Quick note after reading some of the other comments: Therapy isn't for everyone, and when it's bad, it can derail your life. Be careful going into a therapeutic relationship when you're feeling vulnerable (I know, that's when everyone goes, but still...). Don't let anyone "diagnose" you with anything prematurely. If you're high IQ or have "excitabilities" or whatever, some of the things that are well within the normal range for you can be pathologized as bone fide mental illnesses by people who either don't know any better or are a bit too eager to spot the potential for a long-term customer. Don't be afraid to switch or quit. (That should apply to anything important in life.)

    Also, IQ may not define you, but if you're high on that scale, exercising it can make your life SOOOOO much better than it would be if you ignored it in favor of "more important things." (I don't think anyone was implying that that's what you should do, but if you're coming from a background of having your intelligence undervalued, it's totally on you to stop doing that to yourself. Very few others will understand that the IQ really DOES matter more for us than it would for most people, not just in a practical sense but for basic enjoyment and quality of life. It's like being an athlete with nowhere to run.)

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    You've received excellent advice above.

    I'll just add that you are not alone. Many parents learn more about themselves and their gifted issues as they grapple with helping their gifted children. Remember that your parents did not have the internet and the ready support which parents of gifted children can immerse themselves in today. Your parents were most likely alone, without the BTDT advice of other parents, or the readily available research and articles by experts that we have access to now. They would not necessarily have known that many gifted and high potential kids may have challenges created by lack of academic challenge, lack of intellectual peers, and/or learning difference or disability... including executive function issues. The website Understood.org may be of interest.

    Live and learn.

    At 25 you can most likely complete college. You would need to devise a strategy. For example:
    Strategy 1: shortest path to graduation. This option minimizes both time and expense. Analyze your credits and options available, including part-time attendance and online options. Look at transfer credits, CLEP tests, credit for work experience. Removing the constraints of any particular major and/or institution, how soon could you graduate, what institution would that be from, what degree would you have?
    Strategy 2: path to degree from a preferred institution and/or preferred major. This could be your strategy for a higher level degree such as a masters or PhD. Recapping your experience and lessons learned from implementing Strategy 1 could be a compelling admissions essay... or potentially an article which you sell/publish... or even a presentation such as a TED talk.

    What would you find to be the most doable? Most healing?

    If you are in a slump look at local job postings, read the Occupational Outlook Handbook (OOH) online, read library books and online articles in your areas of interest, be a life-long learner, keep a list of books and resources you've delved into, and generally reinvent yourself.

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    I know how you feel. When learning about my eldest's giftedness I discovered my own. Although, my parents were clueless about what yo do for me, and definitely too meek to ask for anything.

    I was angry when I thought of what I could have accomplished. But then I look at my family I have now and know I would never have met my husband and subsequently had the kids I have now. I am also a better advocate for them because of my childhood.

    I dropped out of school at 15 (!) but have since gone on to complete a degree. It's never too late to go back to school-- one of my tutors was 70 and doing her Master's.

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    My mum was top of her class at school, automatically put into Maths, Latin, etc. When her parents found out they pulled her out of the 'smart' classes and forced her to take typing lessons. Learning wasn't for girls they said. They only paid for her brother to go to university, and wouldn't pay for her. She became a hippy and travelled the world. Years later she went to university and became a teacher. And advocated like a maniac for me. And now I'm grown, travelled, educated, starting a business and preparing to advocate for my child.

    You might not have ended up as a doctor, lawyer, research scientist, but maybe you'll do something just as important - change the course of future generations of your family. Hugs.


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