Gifted Issues Discussion homepage Forums Parenting and Advocacy My son is lonely and unhappy

My DS10 has been grade skipped and is currently in 6th grade. He is about six years ahead in everything, so one skip is certainly not enough but his school has been good with giving him harder work up until this year. The trouble is it is not consistent and for the past year it's only been challenging once a month.

At home he has been becoming a worry. Perfect, compliant student at school... at home he's a bit of a psychological bully to his five year old brother (who is extremely high maintenance and emotional). I know he's behaving this way because he's bored and he told me that he's lonely and unhappy. He doesn't want to see a councillor. I asked what I can do to help and he wants harder work at school and 24/7 challenge at home. I try to do what I can and have fought the school so hard, but I've had to so much already and now I have his brother at school whose behavior is getting him into trouble. He is PG and I know his mind is incredibly active, but his personality is very introverted so it all stays in his head and he can't express how he's feeling to make himself feel better; he has an annual outburst in tears and it's the only way I can find out what's going on in there. He's extremely gifted in maths and I can't teach to his level. He sees a tutor but I can only afford an hour a week. He wants it everyday. He will be going to a different school in 18 months where he'll get another skip, but until then I don't know what to do. He doesn't enjoy online courses or programs; he likes to be taught by a person.

As for being lonely... He has a group of great friends who are gifted and into the same things. He doesn't want to see them outside of school. He doesn't even want a birthday party. So I'm not sure what that feeling is to him when he says "lonely" he may mean misunderstood?

Are there any Math Circles, MOEMS clubs, Robotics Clubs, Chess Clubs etc in your area? They may help to challenge him on several evenings in a week if you can find them. In my area, these are the places that we end up finding other PG kids.

He is a part of a quarterly maths club with kids 3+ years older, which is great but infrequent. He finished the advanced robotics club's course (a couple of times). He went to a three day workshop for gifted kids in grade 8-10, but that's only held every six months. He does play chess but he's only allowed to play his age group.

You've received great replies above.

I see five possible issues involved -
1) need for expanding emotional vocabulary
2) need for appropriate academic/intellectual challenge
3) need for intellectual peers
4) need for realistic expectations
5) need for acquiring self-management skills

Teaching/learning emotional vocabulary has come into the spot light in recent years. There are many online lists and charts showing families of words. While adults seem to regard emotions as complex, there are resources geared for children (including preschoolers) to help them learn the nuance and degree of various emotions.
- a chart by Tom Drummond
- a wheel diagram on British English Coach blog
If your child enjoys writing and/or doodling, keeping a journal may help. It can also be helpful to have a special time built into the family routine to talk about the day. For example, all family members might talk about their day and ask about each other's day, while eating dinner together.

It is good that your child enjoys an appropriate academic and intellectual challenge; when a child gives up on this and decides it is easier to coast and/or blend in, they can become underachievers and develop a host of difficulties. Might sharing the article 'What a Child Doesn't Learn' with the school possibly help in your advocacy? To help your child enjoy appropriate intellectual challenge, it may help to have one or more hobbies which he can immerse himself in and work at independently for a sizable length of time.

The article linked in this old post, includes the importance of having intellectual peers. With these statements highlighted, this article may also be helpful for advocacy. To help your child enjoy the company of intellectual peers outside of school, have him scout his many activities for kids he may meet up with outside of their shared activity. It seems unusual for a child to have great friends at school whom s/he doesn't want to see outside of school... even turning down a birthday party. Have you spoken with him about loneliness, using an expanded emotional vocabulary to attempt to refine/pinpoint his feelings and learn what changes he believes might improve the situation? Based on statements in your post, is it possible that his "loneliness" stems from a sense of competition at home for your time... sibling rivalry?

While helping to meet your child's needs for appropriate academic challenge and intellectual peers, it may also be wise to manage your child's expectations that it is rare in life for a person to have all of their needs met. This gap provides the opportunity to develop grit, become resilient, engage in positive self-talk including planning and creative imagination, etc.

Regardless of whether a person is pleased with their current circumstances, it is important to develop self-control. Understood.org is one source with tips and advice on developing impulse control.

He isn't frustrated; he just seems sad a lot of the time. He is extremely self-controlled so it's hard to know how he's feeling.

Thank you, indigo!

He probably could do with expanding his emotional vocabulary.He's always been a very mature, self-controlled child without emotional reactions.

He definitely needs more intellectual challenge. I am at the end of my tether, emotionally, with life at the moment. I don't know how much more I can take from teachers disregarding IEPs.

His friends are nice, but they are very immature. He can handle them at school, but he's not interested otherwise. I think if he had it his way he'd be friends with mathy kids five years older. Which isn't going to happen on their part or mine.

He is very mature and self-controlled and he understands he is in a lucky positon in life. He isn't a fan of growth mindset thing as he feels it detracts from gifted kids' abilities. It's a big thing at his school and their attitude is that everyone can be great at maths, so therefore he is like everyone else and no better at it. He has no impulse issues whatsoever (that's his brother). But there is possibly sibling rivalry there. He's never been a needy child and I try to spend time with him, one on one with both parents. His brother is quite a handful and we're going to go to a psychologist and OT for help. But I know he doesn't like that his brother gets equal rights to things, like bedtime and computer time, since he's older.

I guess I'm not after solutions, as I know he needs more challenge at school; I guess I just ant to complain about this as I'm getting a lot of anxiety attacks and it's upsetting that my boy is feeling this way and I don't have the mental strength or enough money to give him all that he needs.

In case it may be of help to you, here is a link to the wrightslaw website which specifically discusses enforcement of IEPs.

OK, got it. Is there another potential source of intellectual peers you might be able to tap... such as Mensa, summer math camps, or summer gifted camps? Have you looked into the Davidson Young Scholars program for profoundly gifted youth?

This sounds a bit like the school is dedicated to equal outcomes for all students... which unfortunately may often be achieved by capping the growth of students at the top.

Could you brainstorm and come up with some privileges which he might be granted due to his age (and/or his good behavior) which his sibling might not also be granted at this time?

A bit of commiseration... you are not alone, many families find that their gifted children (and the educational advocacy which is often required) can be exhausting and isolating. Many parents are living proof that giftedness occurs in every SES and is not solely a contrived condition of wealthy families who can afford 24/7 edutainment (education + entertainment) opportunities for their children.