Gifted Issues Discussion homepage Forums Parenting and Advocacy When you tell people what grade your child is in..

Do you get uncomfortable responses when people ask what grade your kid is going into?

I find that in general, there is such a negative view towards grade acceleration. "I wouldn't do that to my kids" is the general response.

What do you say when people don't really know your child's abilities and you tell them she is in a grade higher than what they expect her to be in? Do you ever offer an explanation or just try to shut down further conversation?

Yikes, i can't believe they are hostile! I'm sorry you have to deal with that.

I wonder what it is that causes parents to have such a strong reaction against grade skipping? DH and i were opposed as well until we actually looked into it and saw that there were more benefits.

DD is not yet 4, we haven't yet gone far enough to test or acceleration etc, but we are already experiencing stares and questions from other parents when they happen to see DD doing anything unusual for her age, or something their own kids are far from doing.

Just yesterday, another parent saw her reading flash cards of US Presidents and reading names like Martin Van Buren and James Knox Polk quite effortlessly and identifying them with no mistake. (I wonder what they would think when they see her talking about micropachycephalosaurus or archaeornithomimus)

Their immediate reaction - "Is it really necessary to teach them all this so early? Wouldn't teaching them CAT, MAT, BAT be enough." Their daughter is 4.5 years and per them learning to read CAT, MAT, BAT.

It's a hard question to answer. How could I explain DD's thinking is far more complex? Or that she gets totally frustrated if we talk CAT, MAT, BAT? Or she just happens to remember stuff when she hears or sees it once?

I said "Well, we are not really 'teaching' her much." And smiled.

As it is said, being the parent of a gifted kid is a lonely journey. We are already feeling the loneliness. Traditional parenting logic that our other parent-friends tell us doesn't work with DD. And we cannot really talk about it with them, because they don't really understand. Or they think we are bragging or hothousing.

It is extremely sad that there are people who value children based on their accomplishments, rather than their humanity, and thus become unable to appreciate diverse talents above and below their own children's. (Or, really, those of their own children, either.) I only became aware much later of how hard our parents worked to shield us from such unfortunate comments.

We've been blessed in our current community to have encountered mainly curious persons, rather than antagonistic or competitive ones. I think it helps that we homeschool, and live in a community with a moderately present group of homeschoolers. (E.g., one day at the library, the children's librarian asked one of my children's grade. When the child hesitated and looked to me, she immediately concluded that we homeschool, as she was already acclimated to the phenomenon of homeschooled children not knowing/having a specific grade level.) And generally, I also just give the conventional grade-for-age, except for the oldest, who was grade-skipped twice while in b&m school, prior to homeschooling. #1 has not had nasty comments about grade-skipping, but it is quite possible that this is a singularity related to DC's irresistibly friendly personality.

ETA: And let me assure you that I am NOT implying that any child subjected to mean remarks is not friendly...my last remark was intended to be purely light-hearted.

DS10 and I have talked about this a lot. I encourage him to give whatever answer seems "safe" considering his relationship or comfort with the person who asks. Sometimes he defers to me. Sometimes he says his b&m grade-skipped grade. Sometimes he replies with his age. Sometime just "it's complicated" and if that gets a curious response, then "he's homeschooled". Homeschooling is fairly common around here so that is usually an accepted end to the conversation.

It's easier now that he's older. When he was 3 - 4 years old he would show off for attention in public.

Let's put it this way-- I'm really looking forward to DD graduating from college next year, since it will finally put an end to this nonsense for once and for all.

DD was, for many years, small for her age in addition to being radically (+3-4y) accelerated, and we definitely live (ideologically, anyway) in Portia's neighborhood, evidently...

We've heard about as much rudeness on this subject as I imagine it is possible to hear. We did our best to not allow DD to hear most of it, but she's like a social antenna, so...

DD came up with one interesting strategy--

give people asking such questions ONE OR THE OTHER-- either her age, if that was what was the important (intended) gist of the query-- or her grade placement in school, if that was the nature of the inquiry. Not BOTH.

Most people really aren't rude enough to pursue asking for the other once they've gotten an answer, and DD was (and is) always truthful.


DD never wanted the attention-- and this kind of social approbation has conditioned her to OMIT her age even when it would be advantageous to her to emphasize her status as a wunderkind (in internships, fellowship applications, in discussing with faculty why she can't actually participate in their psych study for extra credit in class*).

* yeah, yeah-- don't even get me started on the ethics of THAT one, but it's commonplace in psych and ed departments, and let's face it-- a student who is 4-5 years younger than her cohort, and mostly +30 FSIQ points is a built-in outlier in their study anyway. She knows this-- but is still reluctant to offer her age as a reason why she would not sign up to participate (and literally COULD not consent to, legally, until a month ago).

I'm with HK...give either one or the other, age or grade level, not both. However, does it really matter that you provide a grade level? Unless it is someone important enough to explain to (and even then I don't over-explain it), "my child is X years old" is usually what they really want to hear. If they follow the age answer with "that's what, Xth grade?" just nod?

I have found that usually when people ask for grade they are simply curious about your child's age.

Sorry to report this, HK, but it won't stop at college graduation. I remember thinking, as I entered my first year of grad school, that I would finally be done with the questions about being young on campus, only to have a friendly upperclassman sit down next to me in the cafeteria and ask if I was a freshman. Also, when all of one's grad school buddies want to engage in one of the traditional Friday night entertainments of that stage, one is likely to be the one holding all the car keys, or one may be outed by the bouncer at the door, or one may have to quietly choose not to participate (which is, of course, an option at any age). (Though for me, as I prefer not to drink anyway, age was a gracious excuse, rather than a hindrance, as it put an immediate stop to importunities to imbibe.)

It did, however, stop after graduate school, once actually employed.

This is off topic from th OP question, but related to HK's and aeh's thougnts. I don't think it ever stops, honestly. As a young physician, I was frequently asked about my age, gently 'accused' of being only a student when I was actually an attending, etc. And I am not accelerated, nor do I look young for my age- I looked and certainly felt every long year of that training. I think it is just a tactic used subconsciously (or not) to control, intimidate, or express feelings of inferiority, a response to feeling threatened. I won't even start with the comments about me being a nurse, as that's a separate topic altogether (though just as frustrating).

Like many things of this sort, I think it's best to not take it personally and develop a standard response that is polite but clearly settles things, however you wish to respond, and help your kid do so as well.

This is mainly people we are friends with - we have friends with kids the same age as our daughter so we know what grade our kids should be in. I feel like our province is very pro-redshirting. I also wonder if people have a negative response because they see their kids bored at school and may feel like their decision to not do anything is being questioned?

DS6 is very proud of his one year skip. Last year he explained it as "I am supposed to be in kindergarten but I'm in first grade and do third grade reading and fourth grade math. I'm super good at school."

We are working on humility with that one.

It helps to have a giant kid. He says grade mostly. But he takes many classes even higher. In the subject acellerations nobody knows his grade/age until like there is a grade level field trip, assembly or testing, or something and he is missing and the rest of the class finds out that way. But I don't think it surprises them because he usually does exceptionally well in class in half the time so they know he is out there. Sometimes I think the surprise is I didn't know he was that young because he is so tall.

I recall fielding all those rude remarks when we entered DS10 early at the time. Yes, people immediately get defensive and feel a need to lash out at you to put you or your child down. I used to say we followed the recommendation by both his preschool and grade school teachers (always put it on the experts!) and if people wouldn't leave it alone, entered in a spirited discussion on how age grouping needed to be more flexible for both kids who needed to move on and kids who needed more time, because every child is different and has different needs blah blah blah...it seemed to help ending these potentially contentious conversations on a positive note.
It was such a relief to leave the closet entirely when DS10 was in fourth grade and everyone and their dog would ask where the fourth graders were going to to go for secondary school in fifth grade. The only gifted program in town is an hour away from where we live and across the state line and literally every other option would be closer, so whenever I named the school people who knew DS10 immediately twigged that we were looking at the gifted program there. Now, when people frown In confusion as to why we make DS10 commute there, I have to explain there was a special program he wanted, and name it if people keep asking. Using the g word. Without cringing and apologizing. Now DD6 will go into third grade in fall and again, now that it's official I just say so, though I do say her teacher insisted if people press for more (I still put it on the experts!)
I and my parents got it all and much worse when I skipped a grade. It's really getting better.
Having a child with a severe disability for a third really helps developing a thick skin. This is who we are, outliers in every respect. My children do not like it, but they will have to develop the thick skin as well because there is absolutely no hiding or pretending for any of them that we are a normal family (the wheelchair tends to tip people off, LOL!)

Fortunately DS is tall enough and outgoing enough that most people who casually ask his grade don't realize that he is grade skipped.

I actually get MORE problems in public with people who ask my DD what grade she's in. She DIDN'T skip a grade, but is SUPER SHORT for her age. Most people just assume she's about 2 years younger than she really is.

Our biggest issues were in talking to the school and various school people about grade-skipping beforehand. Even the school secretary tried to tell me skipping a grade was a terrible idea. And one of DS's 2 first grade-teachers (they were team teaching) ambushed me with a "check in meeting" early in the year, with the school counselor in tow, in which she tried to convince me that I was ruining his life. The teacher was a jerk all year, but the school counselor never dared enter that fray again. The OTHER teacher of the pair was really excellent.

He's lucky he's a 2nd child. I was a lot more worried about other people's opinions when my daughter was young. In most situations I brush other people's commentary off and move on.

Skipping one grade was not an issue--nobody really noticed. But once my son had skipped two grades, there were definitely uncomfortable reactions with people who knew how old he was, especially those who had kids the same age.

In the interest of full disclosure, we found that even with a two grade skip, the cognitive challenge was not enough--it was all about executive functioning. We decided to undo the skips, and he is now attending high school with his age-grade peers and is happy socially. But he tells me that what is being taught in his classes is "meaningless"and that all writing assignments are exercises in how well one can "BS." I've given up on trying to get him placed correctly because the only options include gobs of busywork. He refuses to do dual enrollment at the community college (which probably wouldn't be a good fit anyway) or early entrance at the state university.

It's only really people with kids the same age who have been offended by DS. That nasty first grade teacher of his--also had a 1st grade son (in fact, her kid was in DS's class in 2nd grade so we still get to see that teacher from now until graduation... yay...). Only he's a year older than my DS. Putting him in her class was a mistake from day 1.

If not for executive function, I would have my DD skipped a grade or 2 in a heartbeat. She's very very 2E, though. But people already assume she's maybe in 4th, when she's in 6th. Would it really be much worse to actually be in 7th or 8th? *shrug* We're doing math online this year and if I can find a class, also composition. If I can't find a good online class this year, maybe english 101 at the community college next year.

For some reason we almost always get asked both questions (one as a follow-up), ala:
"Sixteen... so you'll be a junior this year?"
-or-
"You just graduated, so you're eighteen?"

Our official tactic with DD has always been: don't announce it, but you don't have hide your accelerations either. If people would only ask one of the two questions, we'd have avoided many an awkward conversation/commentary. But, typically, we get one question, answer it, get the next, pause...awkward smile...pause, then answer it while bracing for the judgement.

Sometimes the age/grade outing comes at us sideways, like the following, which is more amusing than annoying because of the circuitous route that brought us unexpectedly to the reveal. DD16 was talking with the father of a fencer in her foil class. Many Canadian universities have fencing teams, so the discussion of DD's college search touched on Canada. DD said we briefly looked into some of the fencing schools up there, but decided the custodian rules would be a hassle.

"What custodian rules?"

"Um, the ones that say I would have needed to arrange for an official custodian, or have one of my parents move to Canada, since I'm still 16..."

Best of luck,
-S.F.