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    parentologyco, Smartlady60, petercgeelan, eterpstra, Valib90
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    Joined: Aug 2010
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    Who every time I try to speak is yelling "No! I am NOT being negative and I'm NOT shouting down every suggestion you make without listening to it, I have NOT made up my mind that this is impossible and I am NOT refusing to consider alternate approaches".

    Oh man, this sounds horribly familiar!!

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    But somehow this is my fault because he didn't go to the teacher anytime in the last several weeks because he wasn't having a problem until I tried to make him finish the work this weekend. And the assignment he didn't ever even start because it was impossible (as opposed to the others which were just hard)? It was too impossible to ever start in all the time he had, but somehow he didn't know until this weekend that he *couldn't* do it, even though he didn't try to start it at any point in the last month because it was too hard, so he never discussed it with the teacher because it wasn't a problem until I got involved and somehow this is all my fault.

    Also this. In general, she wants me out of her life, except when things are somehow all my fault.

    *sigh*

    I bought the Smart but Scattered Teens book. I think it's going to be very helpful. We also had a big "come to Jesus" style talk about her current life goals (music/writing/art/creativity above all) and the fact that yes, she still needs to complete school and go to college to achieve them. Apparently, she had quietly decided that les artistes need not "do" school.


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    Mine used to do the math and get 100% on all the stuff that he could. Then when thrown an assignment that upset his Aspergers logic would just skip it because mathematically, his grade would be okay maybe a letter grade down.

    I told him turning in anything would be better than skipping it. A zero brings your average way down, but a 50, 60 or 70 is much easier to keep an A. This was a skill he needed to develop. To turn in something "good enough". Even if he had to modify it a bit to his liking. Assignments he couldn't handle were like write an essay about why your middle school is THE best. Well he had evidence that his school wasn't "the best" and couldn't get past that. I said write an essay about three things you like about your school that makes it "tolerable", then go back and write the topic sentence to match (or come close) to the prompt. OMG you would think I suggested a crime against humanity. But he is now a junior in high school and he has got the hang of it. He really needed middle school to learn this and the arguing and carrying on was a phase he had to go through.

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    Originally Posted by Cookie
    Assignments he couldn't handle were like write an essay about why your middle school is THE best. Well he had evidence that his school wasn't "the best" and couldn't get past that. I said write an essay about three things you like about your school that makes it "tolerable", then go back and write the topic sentence to match (or come close) to the prompt. OMG you would think I suggested a crime against humanity. But he is now a junior in high school and he has got the hang of it. He really needed middle school to learn this and the arguing and carrying on was a phase he had to go through.

    Good advice from you. I'll add that whoever dreamed up that assignment should get a big green barf-out! badge. sick

    I suspect that most of us who grew up in the US had to write at least one of those bogus essays. Mine was a mandatory contest called What America means to me! I was only 12. Mrs. W. read the contest rules while Mr. S. marched around the auditorium carrying a big sign with the essay topic printed on it (along with lots of stars and stripes). The other teachers all looked very sincere --- kind of like Linus did when he was talking about the Great Pumpkin.

    I had no clue what to write. The day before it was due, I cobbled up a draft describing an ancestor who had immigrated here. It included some drivel about how excited she was when she got off the ship, because she knew she had arrived in the promised land. My mom read it and said, "Actually, she wanted to get back on the boat and go home straight away. The pier stank and she didn't know anyone, not to mention barely speaking a word of English. Plus, she didn't have the slightest idea how she was going to travel a thousand miles to her sister's house in some exotic place she couldn't pronounce called Ohio. She was a teenager and she was terrified."

    Sigh. So much for that idea. I sure didn't win that contest. So your son has my sympathies on that one, as does any other kid who has to write 500 words on why [insert theme] is SO INCREDIBLE!!!!!

    Last edited by Val; 10/18/16 12:36 PM. Reason: Linus
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    Those essays certainly aren't where truth or free speech should be exercised, as always found that out the hard way.

    Last edited by Edward; 10/18/16 02:43 PM.
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    I had to write that exact same essay at 13!! What being an American means to me, or something. I was a smartass and wrote that I was too young, sheltered, and inexperienced to know. I got an A, because I had a good teacher that year.

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    Val this is going to be even more upsetting. This state had at the time a yearly writing assessment given by the state. So this school district decided if one writing assessment was good, multiple assessments all year round was better. This was one of the district prompts. He had 45 minutes to write it and 15 minutes to pre write. And the teachers used it as a test grade. And the he handed in a blank page at the end of the hour. Not because he couldn't write competently. He could write things that would get an A in a college class at that age. I constantly got emails that basically said "um, your son, wow!" This was a major grade and he got a zero.

    At that point he did not have a 504 for accommodations. But we did work on it at home just working through the problem of being stuck, what can you do to reframe the prompt. Conferenced with the teacher. And after a week of histerics I think he wrote something in school finally. I told him even arguing the opposite is better than turning in nothing--My school isn't the best and listing all the facts would be better than nothing. He didn't get credit but he had to work through this. I think the teacher dropped everyone's lowest grade and that assessment was his.

    This assessment was used in the discussion when we got him 504 eligible and wrote a plan for him.

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    When they make up prompts they have to pick topics that everyone can relate to. The topic is fairly benign. The wording of the prompt is only problematic to those with atypical thinking (my son is ASD). I mean historically people chant "we're number one" at pep rallies without giving it a second thought. People just aren't so picky. My son has always gotten snagged on particulars though ...favorite is another problem word, the best, etc.

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    I don't have this challenge, but I wanted to reassure Ultramarina (and others in the same boat).

    I had my explosive/defiant/angry at my mother stage in middle school too - and largely about the same stuff (disorganization, or inexplicable lasps in academic tasks that would tank my otherwise good grades). I would scream and shout and say terrible things when my mother tried to discuss it with me.

    As an adult, I can see how clearly my parents were trying to be neutral, helpful, authentically concerned (and rightly so). My mother bore the brunt of my emotions at the time and I recall us both reduced to tears multiple occasions. One strategy she tried to use was writing me letters that her concerns - which I would read on my own time, when emotions weren't so at the surface. Of course, I also remember sighing, rolling my eyes and feeling guilt tripped by the letters at the time, even though I've re-read some as an adult and they were perfectly loving and supportive.

    I was sent to a counselor (fairly unproductive). Probably the most effective thing my mother did was ask my older sister (13 years my senior) to talk with me about my behavior (yelling at mom). I could hear it much more effectively from her than I could my mother, and for the first time, I felt a sense of empathy for my mom's position.

    Ultimately, the pattern changed when I got to high school. We still had typical parenting issues and discussions about organization and grades... but the fury, angry yelling and relationship strain ended after MS. Hard to say what changed other than maturity, but rest assured, if your relationship feels tense now, it doesn't mean it will stay that way. By the time I got to HS, my mother had become a confidant again, and as adults, we're very close.

    Maybe consider writing down your thoughts for her to read on her own time, so she can step into your shoes. I echo the advice about having someone she trusts try and talk with her too. The reality is, she probably feels safest with you and that's why you get the worst of it. But it won't be that way forever!


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    Boy, I feel like a lot of cynical teens would dislike that assignment. Mine likes her school fine, but she'd roll her eyes at it for sure. She wouldn't not do it, so maybe that's the difference, but she would be annoyed and her heart wouldn't be in it.

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    All those cynical teens had better get over it, so they can write their college application essay. Even the most objective prompt on the Common App this year, the only one DS feels he can write, has a personal reflection aspect that's putting him off. We are talking about how to write it so that the personal reflection isn't there but won't be missed, how to write it without using the word "I". Or, he can apply to Rose-Hulman, which doesn't require an essay smile

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