Gifted Issues Discussion homepage Forums Parenting and Advocacy For those with poor sleepers...

Portia, I think your loving approach is just fine. As adults, we are inclined to sleep with our spouses, which is both physically and emotionally comforting. It is a sign of the perverse attitudes in the west that we (and I say that generally, not with respect to participants in the thread) expect young children to achieve solitude where we do not.

DS4 co-sleeps with me at night, and falls asleep with either me or DH for naps. (We're a family that retains naps well into childhood.) He is able to stay asleep 2ish hours on his own for naps alone after being smuggled to sleep. He can't fall asleep alone. At night, if I leave for more than 2ish hours after settling him, he will sense my departure and sleepwalk in angst, crying. If I stay, he will happily sleep 10+ hours. The world--including some close family--think DS "should" be able to sleep alone by now, and that my continued cosleeping with him enables disordered sleeping.

Right. Where "disordered" means DS getting sufficient restful sleep in the presence of a loved one, without frequent night waking, distress, or parasomnias. And "healthy" sleep involves the opposite.

You are an excellent mother, both for sensitively giving your DS what he needs and for evaluating thoughtfully how his needs might change.

ETA: I should add that DS' bed is a double in his room, and I always join him in his room. That way, when he starts to crave more sleep autonomy, it's one less adjustment for him to have to make. When DS feels strong emotions and needs a private break, he feels comfortable going to his room (of his own initiative) for quiet solo time to decompress because of the positive associations of our being there. YMMV .

'Nother co-sleeper here. DD is 7, with no end in sight. I was agnostic about co-sleeping when I had her, but it quickly became clear what was and wasn't going to work for this particular child. (I'm a single mom, so that makes it easier.)

guilty here too, going to have to figure something out soon though as at least one of my kids is nearing the big P

Ds6 doesn't settle well at night but me being there doesn't seem to help. Recently i have just given up. He goes to our room when Ds g oes to his. As long as he is quiet i leave the door open so he can see me and he reads and plays quietly in bed. After 2 or 3 hours he goes to sleep. If i fight it i have an unpleasant evening and he goes to sleep at the same time. Both ways result in a kid who is hard to get to school but only one gives me time to myself and gets stuff round the house done.

I'll offer an opposing view, with trepidation. While I understand that having a poor sleeper stinks, and we all feel drawn to nurture our children, I have seen this issue wreak havoc on a lot of marriages. (In my experience, usually someone isn't psyched about this arrangement...often it's dad.) For this reason alone, I think it's usually a good idea to try to work on gradual withdrawal from the need for parent presence. Marriage and solo adult time matter.

That said, if you are genuinely HAPPY sleeping with your child, okay, but if you dislike it or are doing it only because you don't know what else to do...research shows that this is a real strain.

FTR, I have one child who has not had much of a problem with this and another who still would prefer sleeping with us, but he goes to sleep alone and sleeps alone. Sometimes he needs a little extra nurturing and snuggle time at bedtime. We have used relaxation scripts and lavender spray and he has a very set routine.

Oh dear - was that the counselor?
No idea of any legal implications, but I imagine that kids coming to their parents' bedrooms for comfort is not all that unusual. I have a friend at work who I regularly commiserate about with this (her kids are grown up but the one boy came to her room as a teenager).

Not sure if you need a counselor with special needs experience so much as one with an open mind!

The legalities depend on the state, sometimes the county as well. In our area, foster parents must provide a single gender room. However, some nuclear families, due to space limitations, may have children of different genders in one room. In general, it really isn't a legal matter unless/until someone reports you for "questionable" behaviors.

As for co-sleeping, onset of puberty would probably strike most Americans as inappropriate. It is my observation that these days a lot depends on what is acceptable among their immediate peers plus most kids know to self-censure what they share by age 9. It is likely that your DS will outgrow this need on his own as long as he can just as easily go to his own room/bed and that option remains an attractive alternative with its own advantages.

This is a brilliant idea - it might work especially well for my DS who has a lot of anxiety about being alone in his room. Alas, we cannot have a dog because of allergies, but, I can see how it might have been a wonderful solution if it were possible.

Reviving this thread with some updated information. DD11 recently got a FitBit - she wanted the one that monitors her sleep as well as the number of steps she takes. Just got the first weekly summary. She has been averaging 25 waking a night. Twenty Five!

Also while appearing to be asleep approximately 10 hours per night she has been logging only 8-9 according to the FitBit. I guess when you wake up 25 times you lose a few minutes each time and that can add up...

I knew she was restless but never expected numbers like these. I don't recall her sleep walking during this time period but she did talk, laugh, throw herself about and stand up (on the floor not on the bed although she has done that in the past).

So what to do with this information? Bring it to her pediatrician? Her neurologist? Just hang on to it?

I'd be very dubious about sleep data from a Fitbit. Devices like this one monitor how much someone moves. People in even a deep sleep can move a lot, so the watch can provide misleading information. Some watches claim to use heart rate to measure deep sleep, but they aren't necessarily accurate, and they aren't marketed to children (who have faster resting heart rates than adults, especially ages ten and under).

If you're very concerned about your DD's sleeping habits, you might want to talk to her pediatrician, who in turn might order a sleep study if something seems amiss.