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    Joined: Sep 2011
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    jai, you've received a lot of really good advice above. A few other things to consider -

    You say your ds doesn't like sports, and that other kids at recess play basketball and soccer. Is it possible your ds doesn't "like" sports because he feels like he's not good at them or doesn't know how a game is played etc? If that's a possibility, you could help him practice with you just a bit (just enough to show him how or help him learn how to kick or dribble etc), and to show him it can be fun. I'm not a proponent of making kids all like sports or making a child participate in something they aren't interested in, but I also think that sometimes we tend to characterize "kids who like sports" vs "smart kids who are into science etc" as two different worlds, when really kids can like and enjoy both. Sports/play has a lot of components that are worth pursuing - health, relaxation, fun, social skills. And chances are some of those kids out there playing soccer at recess also like science - but want to play soccer at recess. KJP mentioned that it might be difficult to find any child (gifted or not) who's interested in talking about tumors - I agree with KJP, but also have a child who would *love* to talk to anyone for hours on end about how tumors develop - but at recess, she's going to be playing soccer, or participating in whatever active group activity is going on.

    Have you talked to your ds' teacher about your concerns? Two good reasons to do that - she'll have the perspective on what's going on in class, is he doing ok socially there or does he seem isolated? She can also help pair him up with students in a way that might facilitate him making friends.

    Re the science club at school - if it lacks a leader, can you lead it? You don't have to be a rocket scientist to lead an after-school science club, there are a lot of resources for ideas online if you're doing something independent. If you want to do robotics or something that is through a national organization you can get training and support and mostly just need to be an adult who's willing to put in the time and are motivated to work with young children. One thing we did find though, in our school district, was that in order to sponsor/lead a club, we needed to have a teacher at the school who was a co-sponsor and who was present after school throughout each meeting. Even if your school doesn't require that, it might help you advocate for a club if you can find a teacher who would like to see the type of club you want to start at your school.

    Last note, my son had difficulty making friends in early elementary. In his case, he had an expressive language challenge that went unrecognized for the first few years of school. It took us a long time to recognize it because when he did talk, he could talk your ear off for hours about really complicated subjects and he sounded a lot like an adult. So everyone thought, hey, he's an exceptionally smart kid (when he was talking) and, hey, he's just the silent type (when he wasn't talking). Once he was in school, he also had teachers thinking, hey, he's socially not adept (when he was alone on the playground) or hey, he's checking out (when he wasn't answering questions in class). Chances are your ds doesn't have anything remotely similar going on, but I think it's important not to frame everything from the concept of having a gifted child, therefore he doesn't fit in - but instead look at it from the point of view of: this child is having difficulty fitting in on the playground (or wherever) - are there any skills that he could learn that will help.

    Hope that makes sense!

    polarbear

    Last edited by polarbear; 08/24/16 11:46 AM.
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    HJA Offline
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    Hi there -- I am relatively new here but thought I would just add my two cents. My DS5 is about to start grade 1, and I have similar concerns about him being "friendless" during the school year. We had him assessed by an OT this past spring and it turns out that his motor skills fall into the category of developmental coordination disorder. He is not the worst case but if you watch him for long enough you will see where he struggles.

    One of the things our OT suggested that I do next year is to ask for the phys ed curriculum a week or two in advance so that I can work on some of the upcoming skills alone with DS before the whole class works on them in class. The hope is that the little extra help up-front will give him a bit of a boost in his confidence and skills in order to enable him to participate fully in class. One of the questions the OT asked during the assessment was for him to name some things that he found difficult at school and one of his answers was "finding friends to play with". This broke my heart!! He is an only child and an introvert to boot, so he is used to playing by himself. Obviously, though, it was becoming clear to him even at this young age that making friends on the playground is pretty tough. Other kids don't have the same interests as he does and, to make matters worse, he struggles a bit to keep up physically.

    I was so interested to see polarbear's suggestions to the OP on this thread. I am really hoping that working with DS5 one-on-one to come up with strategies for playing certain sports is going to help him not only in gym but also on the playground.

    I have no illusions about my son turning in a sporting star but I want him to be able to enjoy being active for the physical and social benefits that can bring.

    Good luck to your DS. I find the "no friend" situation to be particularly heartbreaking for these young souls.

    Last edited by HJA; 08/24/16 02:43 PM.
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    One question here. Is your son concerned about having no friends. If he is not I am not sure one needs to be concerned. A lot of kids (Especially boys) I have found are quite happy having a lot of acquitances and not friends.

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    Originally Posted by HJA
    I was so interested to see polarbear's suggestions to the OP on this thread. I am really hoping that working with DS5 one-on-one to come up with strategies for playing certain sports is going to help him not only in gym but also on the playground.

    HJA, that's so interesting that you were interested in my suggestions (ha!)... I was interested that you were interested because... not sure if you've read this in any of my other replies here, but fwiw my ds also has DCD. He really struggled with things like this in early elementary, but he's grown up from a lonely young boy in elementary school to a self-confident young teen. I'll leave out all the in-between details because they get a bit gnarly... but I hope it helps to know there are other parents here who understand and who can reassure you that all the work you do now with your son will make a difference in his life later on.

    Best wishes,

    polarbear

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    Big smile from me polarbear -- and big thanks too!! It does help to know others have gone through these challenges and come out all the better for it on the other end.

    Thank you so much!


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    I second minecraft and Legos as social lubricant. Also warrior cats, once he is a bit older.
    However, sometimes none of the boys in class are a good fit.
    Three options:
    finding a good enough fit with a laid back good natured boy with laid back good natured parents and orchestrating fun play dates with trips to places where the kids are kept busy (parks, pools),
    checking out whether any of the girls might be a fit (some kids that age won't play with the opposite gender but others couldn't care less),
    put him in lots of activities outside school where he is part of a group that is kept busy, to create a common interest to bond about. Lots of suggestions already out there. My kid enjoys canoeing, rock climbing, altar boys. No best friends there, but positive social interaction and being part of a group.

    As you may notice, I am big on having the child that is, for whatever reason, an outsider, be part of a group first. Then, only then, IMHO, can the kid work on their social skills. So, you might want to involve the teachers as well, to make sure there is a message that a class is a group working on a common goal and that it's okay to tell a kid: you can play but stop talking about tumours, it's upsetting, as opposed to go away, you can't play because you're too weird.

    I also second reading the book "8 ways to raise a quirky child". YMMV on this book. I actually want to start a thread about it if I get around to it. The authors stance is that it is crucial for both social and intellectual development during the childhood years for a kid to interact with age peers and if a child is rejected for quirkiness (in particular for what he calls "depth seeking" - you'll recognise the description) to coach the child on how to adapt to his "breadth seeking" age peers.

    I'm still on the fence - I totally agree on his warnings of not letting a child get lost in video gaming because they feel socially safe there, and that close personal interaction with other kids is crucial if only in order to make the child feel happier, if not healthier and smarted or whatever, but he appears to me to place too little importance on fit and the need for acceptance to also come from the age peers, and some validation of the child's depth seeking personalty in the ways it is not just about safety and isolation, but also about genuine healthy interests which may lead to further academic and professional development.
    Another book on the topic, "When the labels don't fit" mentions the dichotomy between the need for integrity and the need for integration (not sure about the term used, might have been fitting in or acceptance or something) - some kids are ready to try to change for more social acceptance, some kids are not and how to find the right balance for the kids health and happiness.

    If it helps any, DS9 has always struggled some, even though he always had the "at least one friend, and good enough playmates" situation going on - but by fourth grade, things appear to have really clicked, and suddenly his report card/his teacher said "this year, he was truly part of the group, had contacts to lots of kids, had friends to play with and even be silly with".

    Last edited by Tigerle; 08/25/16 02:02 AM.
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    Jai Offline OP
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    Thank you all for your responses. This has given me a lot of things to think about and ideas to try. I really appreciate this forum. It really helps to not feel so alone.

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    Hi Jai,
    When my DS was 6, he started at a new school in 1st grade. While he does not have allergies, he hated the smell of peanut butter so he sat at the peanut free table at lunch and made a couple of friends, one of whom invited him to a birthday party. He met some other kids there and then I just worked hard to keep those kids in a play date circle. Eventually this group developed into the scout troop. Fast forward to the 4th grade when I transferred him to an all gifted track school and he had to start from scratch. He would mention a few names of kids he had met and I would arrange play dates with them and keep doing that. I fully admit it took a lot of work on my end but the upshot was I became good friends with the parents of those kids and even though some have spread out to other middle schools now, we keep the kids in touch. He's met new friends in middle school now and I try to get to know the parents of new kids he meets. The kids tend to be like him, too, so we parents understood each other. So here we are in 7th grade and he does not have a bunch of really close friends but he has a little group of maybe 2-3 friends sometimes 4-5 who he hangs out with at lunch.
    That's a long way of saying that it took some work. Sometimes the play dates I arranged were not reciprocated but I kept working at it until he found kids who were sort of like him and they generally "stuck".
    Good luck!

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    rac Offline
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    Oh, my almost 7 year old would looove these conversations - we hear a lot about that during meal times and whenever, really (and need to google quite a bit to keep up). Luckily, his 5 year old brother will often chime in as well (though with less understanding) - by necessity. He also complained that the boys were always playing ball in recess. Too bad there are not more kids like that!

    Last edited by rac; 08/30/16 12:10 PM.
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    I feel for your son. I was in the same position as he was. This might be callous to say, but if he is encountering the same peer rejection as I was it might be in your best interest to find another school or home school him. Students may not also be ignoring him, but bullying him as a result. Being the target of such will lead to very maladaptive behaviors latter on. Its not uncommon for such kids to go from free spirited and friendly to bitter and explosive. In any case social networking with other gifted individuals is essential.

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