Gifted Issues Discussion homepage Forums Twice Exceptional ADHD - school vs home

Info first, then questions:
DD11 has ADHD inattentive type. She has been on summer break for three weeks, and I find myself going crazy when she a)loses things b)gets lost in books c)does her intense computer research on everything from Harry Potter to typhoid to black holes. B and C mean she wouldn't know if a train was bearing down on her, never mind me, the mom, trying to get her to eat, brush teeth, etc. I felt terrible after I growled at her for losing her glasses (again). I have been getting very grumpy about all above.

We have not gone the medication route because she seemed to really do well this year at school with organization. She lost her lunchbox a few times, failed to turn in just ONE piece of homework, and only left an item at home once. Amazing! She also made straight A's with minimal effort.

Side note - socially she struggled. Kids made fun of her books (Basher physics, books on planets, etc). Some mean girl stuff. She did find some nice people in art, but I don't think she's BFF's with any. She's currently seeing someone for help with social issues.She's grade skipped and has a late birthday so she's a young middle schooler. School is out though, and she is so HAPPY!! And, she is having so much fun with her swim team and childhood friends.

Ok, sorry for the length. Question - While she appears to have it altogether at school how in the world is she doing it when she struggles so much at home? Is she expending a tremendous amount of energy trying to be organized at school that she could be using for brain power?
Thanks! I can't wait to hear some thoughts.

Some of it could be that school is more structured and teachers are giving specific instructions like "Turn in your homework now." She sees everyone else doing it and does it as well. I can never figure out how DD makes it out to carpool on time (most days) when I can't get her out the door in the morning. But if everyone else is leaving the classroom, leaving the locker bay, etc. that is her cue that she is supposed to do those things too. I also found out that her friends were giving her reminders, for instance telling her to go to her cello lesson, reminding her to get up and go to math at a certain time, etc. When she got in a temporary fight with some of these girls then she started forgetting things and it was because she was avoiding them and they were avoiding her, so there was no one to remind her. People w/ ADHD seem to do best when they are surrounded by people who are highly organized (which I am not).

Probably. You note that the academics still aren't anywhere close to challenging, so that leaves plenty of cognition left to manage executive function demands that are expected to be much further developed in her grade peers.

In addition, the structures and routines of school can be very helpful to persons with EF deficits, as they help to cue and scaffold. Socially, of course, the milieu is much more fluid, so school doesn't help to structure that as much. And she definitely doesn't fit naturally into the existing social structures of middle school, so neither she nor her schoolmates know automatically what to do with her.

In terms of managing her EF at home, I would consider working on establishing some of those routines (I'm going to assume you have already tried many strategies, probably including some or all of my suggestions below, but FWIW...). Summer is actually a good time for working on imbedding organizational structures for keeping things in their designated places, developing habits of self-care, etc. For example, certain essential activities might need to be done immediately upon awakening, to get them out of the way (e.g., dental hygiene, bathing, eating breakfast). It may help to organize frequently used materials where they are most often used (e.g., laundry basket by the door to bedroom, so that dirty clothes go directly into the basket, not onto the floor).

I would suggest picking a single skill (or cluster of skills, like the morning routine), and focusing on it every day for a month, or until it becomes second nature, then moving onto another concrete skill. Initially, a parent may have to stand over her for the entire process, every single day, then, you may be able to just start her off, wait until it's about half-way through, and then come back in five minutes to check up that she finished, etc., stepping back gradually on supervision.

Great suggestions from AEH.

As to why school is all put together and home is not: It also sometimes happens that kids do well in school because they are so smart that they can make some attention mistakes and get away with it-- until the demands of school outstrip their executive function skills so that they can no longer coast.

I see that your child is 11. Over the next few years, teachers will be expecting more and more independence; kids who did well in the structure of elementary and early middle may flounder once that structure fades. You may find that your DD needs more training and support on executive function skills to keep up with peers in these years-- and you may want to watch how she's doing in classes to see if inattention starts to impair the quality of her work.

Try to use technology to organize her....alarms on phones, checklists, calendar. I got my son an iPhone earlier than I intended (end of seventh grade). He uses the camera, calendar, list, alarms, texting, Siri, etc. to organize and help him function. He has Aspergers and he could be floundering at this point in his life but he isn't. He is more on top of things than I am. He is going to be a junior in HS this fall.

I just had to respond to this!! It absolutely makes sense that DD is helped during the day by the set schedule. AND, I am so not organized - it is really really tough. Poor kid having a mom like me. DH and DD12 are the super managers. DD11 is grateful to DH and insanely jealous of DD's ability to remember everything!!

I'm wondering if I could find an organizing app that can be so detailed as to list not only events per day but what needs to be brought to that event (ie. soccer - bring ball, water bottle, hair tie, etc).



I like this because it begins with a small goal which, if reached, helps her feel successful enough to try another goal.

All of this, of course, depends on whether she has a buy in on trying out the ideas. She can get awfully crabby when new ideas are broached about dealing with her memory issues.