Gifted Issues Discussion homepage Forums General Discussion Small and overlooked

My DD is tiny (just turned 9 and wearing size 7s). Adults and kids ask if she is in 1st or 2nd grade. We were once at the planetarium, and she had a question about black holes. The man doing the lecture ignored her (stood right over her) and chose older kids' questions. DD broke down in tears, and when I chastised the guy for ignoring her, he said that he didn't think she was old enough to participate. He did apologize FYI.
As I stated in another forum, I am going to put together photography lessons for her. Many of the lessons state "10 and older" or some such number. How do I convince someone that she can handle work for an older child? Even at the library I wonder how to get it across to librarians that my child can read some adult books (she loves non-fiction) in the reference section without stating "Oh, my kid is gifted, of course she can read this" Or some other brag-worthy statement.
I guess that is two issues rolled into one - my child is bright and small, and I need to convince others that she can do things that much bigger and older kids can do. Helpful hints?

This has always been my DD's lot in life, unfortunately. It's only now that she's in her mid-teens that she looks anything like "normative" in terms of size.

So you've got a lot of years of this ahead of you, I'm afraid.

You've already correctly surmised that the more YOU say to mitigate the situation, in all probability, the more patronizing and obnoxious others will become over including her.

Here's what we found helpful--

* Phone contact for "prospecting" (NOT in-person visits)-- and in that initial contact, state student's GRADE level... then, if that goes well, the child's CHRONOLOGICAL AGE... and leave size out of it. They'll be surprised when they meet in person, but at least they will already be thinking something more positive than they'll think otherwise. KWIM?


* Let your child handle it, as much as possible. Yes, this is going to mean some meltdowns and tears-- try to step in JUST before that point, when possible (so that there isn't the risk of being labeled as a maturity issue when the real problem is frustration with being utterly ignored in the face of higher level inquiry and desire to learn). We have SO, so, so BTDT. I eventually was able to signal to DD with a head shake when she should just give it up for the time being-- that is, when the adult leading the learning activity was just NOT going to treat her as a genuine participant no matter how much she tried to be "good."

* My tactic with large group settings led by an adult volunteer/docent like that? Wait until the lag just prior to a transition, and gently encourage your child to try again when the adult has a free moment. Yes, this does mean that your child's raised hand DURING the presentations isn't going to mean anything. But it's still the lesser of evils. If there is time, it often pays to do that at the tail end of the previous group rotation-- then the person KNOWS that your kid is the real deal, and will treat him/her accordingly, as often as not.


I hope that one of these ideas is helpful. I know how frustrating it is to pay for opportunities that SHOULD be beneficial, and find that they are simply exercises in additional frustration and alienation instead, when your child gets treated like a younger sibling who has tagged along as contraband and is probably just going to be disruptive.

Emotional maturity would be part of this. Possibly coaching her to provide a factual and non-emotional response when faced with disappointment may prepare her to participate in a group of older children.

Parents may need to consider that a trade-off exists. There is a potential downside to a younger child attending events intended for older children, and/or having a parent's blanket permission for the child to choose his/her own non-fiction reading material from the adult reference section of the library:
- Some parents prefer their children's input be filtered.
- Older children may speak of things which they deem common knowledge and which a younger child may not be prepared to process (for example: tooth fairy, easter bunny, santa claus, sexual references).
- Similarly, books may contain unexpected information.

Planning and preparation which includes open discussion may help a child access opportunities which are usually reserved for older children.

This is a tough one. My middle kid got some strange looks when she was about 11 - reading stuff meant for HS kids and people thought she was 8 years old. She just told people her age and then they started treating her like an 11 year old.

As for age cutoffs, my kids have just missed cutoffs for summer programs since they have late summer/early fall birthdays. If they wanted to be in the older group (since these were their school classmates), we just asked the program director. I don't think I ever had a problem. Many folks are understanding of the situation if you discuss it with them.

It may also help if someone can vouch for your kid. We did this when the older two entered HS and needed to skip some lower level foreign language courses. We had a teacher speak with the school admin and tell them the appropriate placement. If someone such as a teacher (or other adult, just not a parent) can discuss with the program director, it may help.

I think the small size hurt more in sports, and it continues to hurt middle kid. Folks naturally go for the bigger kids, and my skinny 16 year old (5'5", 105) doesn't look athletic, though she may be more capable than the bigger kids. It sometimes helps if someone with no preconceived notions about your kid judges her abilities. Definitely helped middle kid when she had a new coach in her fall sport - she ended up the only 10th grader on varsity. On the flip side, she has been around the spring sport coaches since she was in elementary school - and their preconceived notions of her ability persist.

My youngest is probably much like your DD - she is 9 (10 this summer) and she is 4'2", 46 lbs. Most folks think she is younger than 9. She speaks up for herself, much more so than middle kid, so I think this helps (if your DD is willing to speak up).

She has you to stand up for her now. Just wait until she is 25 and gets carded for the R rated movie (yes, this happened to me).

To clarify my original response: organizations may be concerned with not only whether a child under the recommended age range for an activity can "handle work for an older child" and "can do things that much bigger and older kids can do"... but also whether the child can handle themselves, and also handle the unexpected (for example, a negative social situation, being overlooked, being ignored, or being presented with unforeseen and unanticipated information).

The helpful hint would be coaching the child to the point where a parent may honestly say that the child gets along well with others especially older children, is a great self-advocate and respectfully makes her needs known, and is emotionally mature... that she will be an asset to the event and not a burden... no one will notice her younger age.

When an organization makes an exception to their rules and is rewarded with a child's tears or a parent's chastisement, this may be like smacking the oobleck with a spoon, creating an unyielding solid which is less likely to be flexible in their age rules.

Because stature is an area in which this child feels vulnerable, to bolster her self-esteem, you may wish to help her collect stories of successful people who are petite. This collection may be kept in a scrapbook or ringbinder and provide her with the sure knowledge that she is in good company. It may also provide a selection of individuals to choose among when assigned to research a person and write their biography, or when asked to draft and essay about a "hero", or someone who overcame an obstacle, etc.

Here is a brief list to begin with...
1) Ten famous women under 5'3" tall http://speakupforsuccess.com/6129/powerful-petite-women/
2) Dr. Michael Ain http://www.jhu.edu/jhumag/0499web/ortho.html
3) Dr. Jennifer Arnold http://hollywoodlife.com/celeb/dr-jennifer-arnold/
4) Judy Garland 4'11" http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Judy_Garland
5) Elizabeth Taylor 5'3" http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Elizabeth_Taylor

Just for fun: There are webpages, blogs, and articles for fashionistas; Collecting pieces written specifically for petite individuals may be of interest. One kiddo wore capris as long pants. Some petite women enjoy dressing monochromatically to look taller, enhance a sense of presence, and avoid looking younger than their age. Some articles discuss creating a signature style through accessorizing. There are webpages which discuss professional image, color, and psychology (such as those by image architect Sandy Dumont). If this is of interest, much of the information could be adapted to a pre-teen.

greenlotus, I'm reviving this old thread to share this new petite role model: world-class teen gymnast Simone Biles, age 19, who stands all of 4'9" tall! That's right, just 57 inches... I believe this is the height of an average 11 year old girl in the United States.

It's also the height at which one may ride in a car in most states in the USA without sitting in a booster seat.

Funny I just had to take ds9 out of a booster seat because he was too tall for a full seat and above the weight rating for the half seats - plus they were too narrow. He is not 4 ft 9 and he is not a fat kid either just deep chested and solid.

One can also seek out mixed-age environments that focus on achievement. Martial arts classes and boy scouts are both like this: various ages are interacting, and the kid progresses on the basis of fulfilling requirements, not on the basis of age.

We also get great mileage out of camps that serve an age range-- always registering our kid when kid will be the youngest kid in the range. By the end, seeing kid's participation, the teachers are well convinced, and that also boosts the kid's confidence for the next time.