Gifted Issues Discussion homepage Forums Twice Exceptional Please help, I'm in tears with frustration

Have you tried looking for a parent advocate? There are groups that are federally funded in some areas, we found our state's advocate group in the yellow pages at wrightslaw. We were in a tough situation when we were trying to advocate for services/help for our 2e ds in elementary school, and had many of the same situations happen that you've experienced, including being told that ds couldn't be in the gifted program and have an IEP or 504. We also had many of the same frustrations that blackcat experienced.

We did eventually succeed in getting our ds an IEP. The one thing that helped more than anything else was being able to call up our advocate for advice - and we didn't need much, but what we got was two-fold and key. The advocate was first, very familiar with the local schools and even staff within the schools in some instances (because the advocate worked with multiple families). This local knowledge helped us (parents) understand a bit better what we were dealing with. Sorry don't know exactly how to explain it, but it did help! Second, and even more importantly, the advocate gave us key words/phrases to use when we responded that took the emotion out of our responses and helped us keep meetings on track. For instance, our school really did not want to give our ds (or probably any child) an IEP, so they would construct very specific examples to prove that there wasn't an issue and present that as evidence. For example, to prove ds (who is severely dysgraphic and has an expressive language disorder) didn't have an issue with handwriting, they had all the students in his class copy a paragraph from the board and they timed it. They then claimed that ds' time was "in the middle - not the fastest, not the slowest" therefore no issue. Our advocate helped us see that the best way to respond to a tactic like that was to not show any emotion, and also not to give in, but to just refocus the meeting on the facts you had and why you were there. For instance, when ds was compared to other students, our advocate had us tell the IEP team "we're not here to discuss other students, we're here to discuss ds". When they showed an example like I mentioned here, we would not respond to that example at all but instead reply by restating that ds is known to have "x" disability, it impacts him in "y" way with re to classroom academics, and state the proof we had (neurospcyh eval, examples of classwork, data we'd collected at home etc) that proved it. Usually that was all info they already had and that we'd stated many times previously, but the point was - it served to get past a smoke-screenish type of road block tactic the district was using to discourage us as parents from continuing to request what our ds needed.

The third thing we received from the advocate was *knowledge* - although most of the state and district policy/etc is all online and researchable by any parent, it helped having someone who knew it inside and out tell us what it was and what applied in any particular situation, and also knew when we a policy was a hard rule vs a guideline. Our school was expecting (and hoping) parents would come to eligibility and IEP meetings uninformed about the law and district policy.

Last thing I'll add - like blackcat's experience, it's also much easier in our district to qualify for an IEP under OHI, and that's how students with ASD and ADHD are most often qualified. Our ds doesn't have a diagnosis that would qualify him under OHI, but our advocate had recommended that if he did, we should absolutely try that avenue first, as it was a more direct, easier qualification and once he had the IEP, he could get the services he needed to address his academic challenges.

Last note, even though we did successfully advocate for an IEP for our 2e ds, at a very resistant school, the school didn't magically change in terms of philosophy or caring once he had an IEP - which means they didn't follow it and ds didn't get the help he really really needed, and we did ultimately switch to private school. I'm sorry there aren't more options where you're at to change schools - are there any optional or charter public schools? Sometimes it's just the attitude and staff at a school that are the issue, and going to a different school if there's any way possible to do so might make all the difference in the world.

Best wishes,

polarbear

ps - my other recommendation as you continue to advocate - put everything in writing (emails are ok for this). If you are told something like "ds can't be in gifted program if he has an IEP", after that conversation is over, write an email, briefly summarize what was said, say that you want to make sure you understood what was said correctly (essentially offer a chance for the person to retract it), send the email to the person who told you that and cc everyone else who was present at the time. We did this with every messy conversation we had with school staff where something that wasn't exactly "right" was said by the school, because we knew the school would not put anything that wasn't legal or could be considered bullying in writing. We would either get no response at all or a retraction stating that we'd misunderstood - while we of course, hadn't misunderstood at all what was clearly said, we then had the legally correct information in writing, from the school.

Our district has a matrix that's used in elementary school to qualify for the gifted program, and it includes things such as this. While those other qualities aren't definitions of intellectual giftedness, and shouldn't be things that keep an intellectually gifted student out of a gifted program, they are also qualities that take people far in life and enable elementary school students to be successful in the classroom. My ds has struggled tremendously with communication (he has an expressive language disorder which impacts writing as well as speech), and his self-motivation took a huge hit particularly in elementary school due to his 2nd e challenges. He didn't look gifted at all if you looked at him in any other light than his intellectual ability. The thing is - we advocated like crazy to get past that as a bar to entrance into the district gifted program, but at the same time we worked like crazy with him to help him improve in those areas too, because ultimately once he gets out of school and is on his own in the world, he needs those skills. I may be the lone outlier in my opinion on this here, but once you're past K-12 education, those skills are as critical if not more so than intellectual ability in negotiating and being successful in the adult world.

Best wishes,

polarbear

I agree. You're not the lone outlier in your observation of the importance of those skills.

Although I understand and appreciate this, let's all remember there is a big difference between a child "being in a gifted program" and a child "having their educational needs met." For example a school's "gifted program" may consist of teaching math one year advanced. Meanwhile a student's "educational needs" may be math 3 years ahead plus remediation/accommodation in an area of relative weakness.

If a child does not fit the offered "gifted program" and the school is thinking in terms of "matching the child to the program", then parents may wish to advocate and think in terms of "matching the program to the child" in order to get their child's educational needs met.

Excellent, excellent advice! Parents may wish to keep this in their advocacy documentation and re-read frequently... especially before and after meetings.

Here's a link to an old crowd-sourced list of tips for meeting prep.

Polarbear... are these parent advocates free?

Thanks everyone! You guys are awesome. Your feedback really helped me understand 2e advocacy. My ds started showing behavioral/emotional issues at age 3. But I always felt that he was gifted and no one really cared about that. Teachers would always focus on the negatives. After doing research, that's when I found out about 2e diagnosis, and I realized other parents were having similar issues. His recent testing results confirmed my suspicions.
We have our meeting with the school soon, so hopefully my son can get the help and acceleration he needs.

So we met with the school principal, teacher, counselors. Basically they said we would not be able to get an IEP because my son is meeting the grade two benchmarks for academics. They didn't care that he was 2e. The principal said that there are a lot of gifted kids in the school. The meeting was quite futile because they wouldn't accelerate him or help him with his challenges. He just needs to adjust better in the classroom. So, as parents we are going to do a hybrid of homeschooling and regular school. Planning on signing him up for online academic courses to supplement the school. I think of school as a social setting where he can learn from peers and do recess and learn to listen to authority. The real learning can be more self paced at home.