Gifted Issues Discussion homepage Forums Parenting and Advocacy I Need a Pep Talk...

Pemberley, please get *yourself* to an amazing doctor who will give you a full physical, and also go see a counsellor about feeling depressed! It sounds like you're completely burnt out, and you're crashing. I know it's easy for someone on the outside to sat "take some time off!, even though it's perfectly clear that No One can do your job. Right now, your daughter in a good place, she will need you to go to bat for her again soon. Until then, it's okay to let go a little. Heck, it's okay to grieve a little, crash a little, let emotions come you simply didn't have the time or energy for.
Remember your daughter is exactly who she is. Her talents compromised by struggles. Her struggles compensated by her talents. She is a unique package and asking "what if" isn't fair to you or her.
I keep fighting the "what if" myself. What if my oldest weren't held back by his anxieties and depression. What if my youngest could walk and talk, didn't need walker, wheelchair and all those therapies, how will his body ever be able to do right by this amazing little mind trapped inside (he can play Uno and appears to be an emerging reader at three). What if we had the time and money to let our daughter develop her talents, not be overshadowed always by her brothers whose needs tend to be so much more in-your-face? Don't go there, I tell myself. They are what they are, I'll just work my butt off to help them be happy and useful.
And it just occurred to me I've forgotten to go to my exercise class yesterday *again*.

As for this part specifically - it is natural as parents to worry about their children's future. I don't have the specific challenges that your daughter has had (except possibly with speech) but I have been in special ed basically from K-12 (I have sent a PM on more about that, Pemberley).

I feel sad that you view her high intellect as a cause for potential unhappiness at "untapped" potential - because when I look back, I know if I did not have the impact or even late discovery of my disability, it is a big question if I could have tapped into my full scope of my cognitive abilities. To some extent, having to compensate for all the challenges I faced has tapped into abilities that I may not have realized I had - especially those involving perseverance, having to constantly go outside of my comfort zones and hard work just to get to same level that others mastered years before me in some areas.

I don't feel any less fulfilled even though there are paths that were blocked - because there were many other paths for me to explore. In some ways, I feel lucky because of parental support and because it has given the soft skills that helps me today in my workplace.

Your DD is lucky to have you in her corner - someone who is working hard to allow her to realize her abilities and challenges. Not all parents are like that - I have met others with same challenges as mine, and who were not as fortunate to have parents like mine to push them as mine did, and who slogged through the 12 years of school IEPs etc like my mom did.

Pemberley, I wish there was something I could say or do to help. You have always been so gracious with your guidance. Just know that the efforts you have put towards your child's success will show itself in so many ways, and have in 2015..all because of your daughter's hard work and your valuable support. Sending virtual hugs..would send wine but not sure that is legal cross state lines

Take care of yourself

Pemberley,

You and your daughter have climbed some mountains ... no wonder you are exhausted. But the hard journey up makes the view so much more precious. It sounds as though you have provided your daughter with great support and scaffolding, and she has developed strength, resilience and grace. I would call that a far more meaningful and durable success than the 'bling' of showy accomplishments. Those for whom the journey is difficult often take far more true pleasure in each small step, and they are not dissuaded by stumbles.

fwiw since I have seen you mention it on other threads, eosinophilic esophagitis is sometimes correlated with connective tissue disorders. While the geneticist may not have been able to identify anything obvious, this might be an avenue you could investigate if you are driven to know "why".

On the musical theater front, if your daughter's speech makes it difficult for her to take a leading role perhaps she could look at different paths - e.g. into directing.


She is unique and brings an original perspective. That has enormous value. Comparing to others is not a good approach and overlooks the private battles they may be fighting. Don't dwell in that alternate reality. Your daughter has mastered skills others may never imagine, developed resources and creativity beyond their reach, and has depths far beyond what they have seen. The world is what she makes of it and she will find her path.

Hang in there.

Thank you so much everyone! I'm so happy to have a group of people who get it. The exhaustion of constantly battling and knowing you don't have the option of quitting. The drive to find some way to make if better while simultaneously knowing their brains should see them through. Realizing no one (except the folks here) can really understand what you - or your child - is dealing with. The constant researching and advocating and explaining. Yes I have a right to feel exhausted...

I had an hour plus phone conversation today with a RL friend who is on her own 2E journey. We have known each other since our kids were babies and have been on this journey together. She knew DD as that dazzling one year old, the anxiety ridden first grader, the special Ed kid fighting her way through it all. She kicked me in the derrière and insisted that I take a good hard look at how far DD has come. How well she is doing. What a happy, optimistic kid she is and how comfortable she is in her own skin. Not an easy feat for any 11 year old and really quite remarkable for a kid with the list of challenges she has faced. My friend told me that of course I'm looking for the next fight - I've been in fight or flight mode for years but without the option for flight. She pointed out we all have these types of days occasionally and today was my day. Tomorrow I will pick myself up and keep on going. So if any of you kind souls who took the time to respond find yourself having one of those days please know you are not alone.

After this conversation I headed down to DD's school for a parent/teacher conference. 3 teachers sat there literally giddy with excitement about working with DD. Giddy! And no DD is not decoding at grade level - she is now ABOVE grade level. I couldn't believe it. Since reading teacher and teacher doing the math intervention are both trained in Lindamood Bell they decided to introduce 6th grade reading a sentence at a time. I was shocked. When I asked DD about this she said "I had no idea it was a big deal..."

So yes I have raised an amazing kid. Yes she is resilient. She has a strength inside herself I can barely wrap my head around. Most days I remember that and am in awe of her and cannot believe that I am lucky enough to be her mom. I recognize she has benefitted enormously from my giving it my all and many, many kids are not as fortunate. Intellectually I know I should avoid the what ifs and comparisons and the looking into the future. Some days I just can't avoid it. That's when I come here and seek help from all you wise souls who are on a similar journey. With DD turning 11 and entering puberty I have been smacked in the face with the reality that this has been her childhood - this is what she got. We have tried really hard to do as much fun, normal kid stuff as we can. (OK even some over the top stuff like the recent Hogwarts letter and Harry Potter party with 22 kids in attendance...) But the sobering reality is her childhood has revolved in large part around her challenges. That's the reality and I have to accept it...

After the PT conference we went to lunch at a favorite restaurant owned by a celebrity chef. I allowed myself to be in awe of my DD. I allowed myself the luxury of self indulgence and patting myself on the back knowing that she is doing this well because I have fought tooth and nail to get her what she needs, she has worked her rear end off, we have had a number of people really throw themselves into finding ways to get her what she needs. It has taken a village. And everything she has overcome - from the awful interdistrict magnet to the horrible principal to the people who label her as the special Ed kid who just be happy to be allowed to participate - have given her strength and resourcefulness.

I hadn't even thought of the physiological aspect of feeling so drained after the long fight so thanks to all who mentioned that. I do in some ways feel like a boxer who has just gone 10 rounds. I will have to make it a point to start taking 30 minute walks, outdoors at least 3-4 times a week. Sunshine, fresh air and excercise while listening to a novel on audiobook. Simple, doable and so very necessary.

Thanks again to each and every one of you. The pep talks worked. My fears and concerns haven't gone away but you helped me alter my perspective. That's huge.

Glad to hear you are feeling better.

A success story I forgot to share before is a friend who has a daughter who wasn't diagnosed with dyslexia until late in high school. She was gifted which is probably why. She also has ADHD. She is now a very successful MD. Kids learn how to compensate, and those who are gifted are especially likely to do that successfully.

There was so much I wanted to say, reading through this thread, but then I got to your response, Pemberley, and I am all tears and beaming smiles, and can barely see the screen through them both. I will return to this post when I find the journey overwhelming - as well as when I am celebrating the incredible places it brings us to.

The only thing more amazing than your mothering is the daughter you have raised. So many years focused on fighting battles to deal with everything wrong. We do mourn the childhood lost, as well as the future that won't be. That is reality. But only a small part of it, overwhelming as it feels these younger years. Immersed in problems that demand everything we've got (and then some), we easily lose track that they are only a small piece of our child. But the strengths - oh the strengths you have unleashed! She is an extraordinary girl, your DD, and she is going to take on the world in ways that will astound you.

For many of our kids, school makes incredible demands on their weaknesses, and allows little room for their strengths. The latter seem insignificant in comparison, and seem to provide limited benefit. But the real world, scary as the prospect is, is full of places where those weaknesses will matter so much less, and her strengths so much more. She will have the freedom - and the courage and strength and skills and perseverance - to find the right places and people, the ones where she will take those wings you've helped her grow, and soar. She really, really will.

On a more prosaic note, I happened to be at a meeting of our local LD association last night, and the presenter was discussing how fast the workplaces out there are changing. A generation of kids is coming through with iPads attached to their fingertips and assistive technology as natural as breathing. I was fascinated to hear her describe how they are walking into workplaces expecting Individual Employee Plans - and they're getting them. The workplace is changing faster than the schools, it would appear.

Pemberley, your follow-up post made me smile this morning. Over the past month, I've been feeling anxious about my 2e DD13's decision about where to go to high school and which program to choose. This decision-making process has dredged up all of the struggles that we've gone through on her behalf. Your post reminded me to take a look at where we were and see how far we have come - and yes, I am using the word "we" intentionally. The years when DD was in K to 2nd grade were so hard. We were trying to figure out why our obviously bright child was struggling so much in school. DD was exhausted when she came home from school, often in tears. I felt like such an ogre trying to get her to work on reading or VT exercises after school. DD felt broken and like she was a disappointment to us. I worried that she would never function in the real world. I'm getting teary just thinking about this time again. It was awful for both of us. At times the rest of elementary school was pretty bumpy too. Now, my 8th grader can look at me calmly and say that she really hated me at times. She also thanks me for going through everything with her.

I sometimes wonder whether I did enough, whether we should have made some different choices in her education but I try to cut myself off from that line of thinking. With what we did do, we have a daughter who reads at a higher level than we ever thought possible, uses people and technology to help her overcome what she now considers relatively unimportant deficits (spelling), is a fiercely independent and knows that she is highly capable. The other day, she found a poem that she wrote in 6th grade. She compared her struggles in school to "swimming through crystallized honey." She looked at me and said "Wow, everything seemed so negative then. I was such a drama queen." It made me happy that she doesn't feel this way right now. I know that there will be more challenges ahead but I have to believe that all of our hard work in the early years has paid off.