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This.

blackcat, are you sure that you are not raising my DD?

Could not agree with blackcat more. Your DD just needs to find her peers.

My DD10 would be at Greenlotus, Blackcat and Loy58's table were they in the same school and grade I am sure. She is into Minecraft too and given her druthers would happily while away hours playing it. I tend to restrict it to a) not get her over exposed to it and bored b) not spend all day looking at a screen.

DD does paint her nails sometimes but that's about it the beauty department (so far) she is not that much of a girly girl. I would be completely fine if she ever wanted to be (as long as she didn't turn into a simpering, vacuous airhead) but I don't ever see that being the case.

I can see requests to dye her hair like the girl in Dark Matter soon, though...

Mine too! My DD10 has been griping all year about how so many of the girls in the class are all about crushes, fashion, etc. No one really shares her same interests. She has dyed a chunk of hair blue, but otherwise just isn't that interested.

To her credit, rather than just be on the sidelines, she's decided to read up on fashion and crushes so she has something to talk to them about (just like I used to read the sports section mostly for work chit-chat purposes, actually). She'd rather do Minecraft contests (the ones where you build a specified project, like a tent, and then everyone goes around rating each other's tents) but recognizes that that doesn't buy her social currency at lunch.

We are ordering the American Girl Smart Girl's Guides on point, and I may show her some sophisticated breakdowns of fashion (i.e., approaching it as art/costuming in a historical and cultural context, vs. "Who Wore It Best?!" superficial tabloid commentary). Mentioning in case it's a helpful tactic to any other girls stuck without a non-fashion-y cohort.

I'll ask mine if she'd be interested in email/pen-pals. Maybe they can play Minecraft together sometime!

Gee, I wouldn't want my kid at this school. I am of the opinion that middle school does not have to suck. My DD is not finding that it sucks and I don't think her friends think it sucks either. She is a quirky kid with quirky interests, but her school is full of such kids and the school culture supports that.

I notice that many parents have kneejerk negative beliefs about middle school. Gently, I would say that I don't think this helps. If we tell our kids that kids this age suck and are mean, this may be what they look for and expect.

I do think that middle schools in this day and age vary widely, though. Some are really with it as far as being on top of anti-bullying, social inclusion, etc, while others may be stuck in the dark ages.

Re fashion, your daughters might possibly enjoy the site polyvore.com (disclaimer: you are supposed to be 13). It's sort of like online paper dolls. With such a wide range of available clothing, even kids with a very alternative style can find outfits they like. I am not at all a fashion person, but even I found it fun for a bit.

ITA. Middle school can be challenging for sure, but it can also be a really fun time in a child's life. I have two dds in middle school, and really and truly, the girls (and boys) in their classes are wonderful. It's tough to find your space and fit in at a new school, and I'm guessing the girls that your dd sees everyday most likely went to elementary school together too, which doesn't help make it easier to find quick friends - but I'm also guessing there are at least *some* nice girls (really, I'm guessing most of the girls are nice... just haven't known that many kids who aren't nice once you get to know them)... so I would focus on finding ways to encourage her to find friends at school, in her classes.

The one thing I'd add - there seems to be an idea here that only quirky high-IQ kids are into Minecraft - almost every early middle school kid I've known (all over any spectrum you can think of) loves Minecraft. Your dd might not be seeing them playing it at school, but that doesn't mean the other girls wouldn't enjoy playing it. Even girls who are all about fashion, boys, whatever.


Also agree - with this situation (this post), I wouldn't be quick to assume right away that the inability to find like-minded friends is due to not having found the "best-fit" friend. I think there's opportunity here to help learn how to find friends *wherever* you are. Even if the op was able to find an outside-of-school bff for her dd, wouldn't it still be nice to fit in and have a few friends at school to enjoy school with?

Best wishes,

polarbear

I don't (and didn't) have any problem with a blunt speaking administrator. It was quite refreshing compared to the wishy-washy principal my DD had for kindergarten.

All kids are different, so perhaps yours would not have like it there, but our DD had an overall great experience at this school with its matter-of-fact administration.

Best of luck,
--S.F.

My 9dd sounds just like your dd, right down to the humor, interests, and approaches to friendships. It took her a few years to make friends and now she has quite a few, but her closest friends she spends time with at school are boys.

Matter-of-fact is okay--I'm very matter-of-fact--but I would want to see a principal believe that middle school, particularly THEIR middle school, CAN be great. I would be perfectly okay with a principal who said, in a meeting about my child having a hard time, "Middle school sucks sometimes," but not a blanket assertion that it always and generally sucks. To me, that sounds like someone burned out on middle schoolers!

I am in the middle school does not have to suck camp. Yes, it is challenging socially and emotionally for most kids but it is also a great opportunity to mature and gain self-confidence and independence. I have two 7th graders and have witnessed their development over the last 1 1/2 years. Yes, fashion and crushes are major topics for many 6th grade girls (including DD12) but I would be shocked to hear that none of them have any other interests/hobbies/conversations. They can't all be two dimensional caricatures in a typical middle school. DD12 has her GT friends, magnet friends, artsy friends, music friends, and fashion friends as well as some "specific class only" friends although there are a lot of overlap among the groups and her closest buddies belong to multiple groups. In a way, the multiple classroom nature and group project opportunites of middle school make it much easier to make friends: If you struck out in math and social studies, there is always language arts, science and electives and clubs. If your DD is conscious that her behavior annoys the other girls, then she is in a good position to modify her behavior, assuming that she wants to make friends with any of these girls. Since your DD has a sister who appears to be more socially savvy, perhaps you can enlist her help to point your DD to some girls who may be wiling to befriend her. Although DS12 haven't had any social difficulties thus far, he is not always tactful and sometimes behave in an obnoxious way; he is lucky that his groups of friends put up with him but DD12 often calls him on it (she isn't usually a witness but privy to the grapevines) and I think that has helped his social skills.

I am with Quantum. DD 9 is one of the older in her grade and I have just seen a blossoming interest in fashion, make-up etc this year. I worked at a middle school for a long time and middle school is a challenging time for most girls. However, the girls that are interested in make-up and fashion are also interested in a lot of other things, sports, dance, music etc.. I think the biggest problem is that it is possible that your daughter may become interested in those things at least to a small extent later, however, she is just not ready to hang with those girls socially right now. 6th graders with fall birthdays will be almost 13 by the end of the school year, your daughter is just ten. They probably look at her like a little girl and not necessarily a peer, at least socially. There is such a huge gap between ten and twelve, especially in a child's ability to understand social cues. This will most likely be easier later but it is one of the main issues with acceleration. I hope that your DD finds someone to eat with soon and school gets easier!