Gifted Issues Discussion homepage Forums Parenting and Advocacy She's eating alone

DD10 appeared to be doing ok in 6th grade. I was hoping the grade skip would challenge her and maybe, just maybe she could meet some like-minded girls. Big heavy sigh. She just admitted that she is now eating alone in the lunch room. The other girls are ignoring her. Last week she stated she wished she was our dog so people would be nice to her.She shared that some girls find her annoying. We are doing everything we can to help her out with the friendship issue. Band. Art club. Science Olympiad. It doesn't matter to me that much that she's still making all A's. She's just so unhappy. I don't even know what to do. She has one friend who she sees occasionally, but it's not enough. My heart is so heavy.

I'm sorry to hear this greenlotus. From what I remember of sixth grade, the girls were especially obnoxious. How close to age 11 is your DD? (since every place seems to have a different cut-off I'm not sure what is average for your school in terms of the other girls' ages).


DD is grade accelerated and is just over age 10, but in fifth grade. So far, no social problems, but I noticed the other girls are bigger than she is. I'm hoping this doesn't become a problem next year, in terms of her coming across as immature.

Girls in middle school can be really really mean. Is there any way you can talk to the teacher and see if there isn't another nice girl who might help her assimilate back in? As much as I think there are a lot of mean girls, there are probably some nice (maybe shy) girls who might want more friends too. Often just having one person to hang out with can change the dynamic. Also, how are her social skills? The fact that she says that they find her "annoying" sounds like she is missing some cues somewhere….

With the one friend she doesn't see often, is there a way to see her more often until she has more friends at school?

She will not turn 11 until next April so she is a very young 6th grader. Sixth graders are 11 and 12.

I agree about the "mean girl" situation. I think that's only part of it. She is a rather snarky kid so that's not helping the situation. She's an artist through and through, and even the thousands of cartoons she creates are very sarcastic. Inside she's tender and kind, but she really does a good job hiding that. On top of that, she just is not into the typical table talk. She's all Minecraft and creating new decorative keyboards that she shares online. She says the girls at school are talking about hairstyles. I believe that - I see my other 6th grader (DD's big sister) spending way more time getting "beautified" in the bathroom every morning. DD10 just isn't there yet (if ever). Anyway, yes, social cues issues.

I am pulling her together with the other girl as often as possible. Once a month slumber party and Weds. afternoons. DD stated if it weren't for this girl, she would not have any friends. I also plan to email the AIG teacher who is the sweetest person on the planet. I am crossing my fingers.

That is just the sweetest thing I have every heard. As I said above, I will email the AIG teacher. The guidance counselor is a no go. Cold and scary. The AIG teacher is an angel. I will ask her if anything like this exists.

If it doesn't exist, it should be started! No one should eat alone. What a great initiative. OP, I am so sorry for your daughters situation. I was alone all through elementary school. By seventh grade, things got better.
Edited because I got cut off! I meant to say that some kids may feel (certainly I felt that way) that they are somehow unable to make friends, that they are doomed to be alone forever, that the one friend they have out of school is just the exception that proves the rule and so on, particularly if they can tell their parents are worried about them, too, and she needs to know that this WILL change.
I think both you and she should be aware, too, that this is much more about overall fit than it is about her. As you are aware and she is probably, too, if you are bullied/rejected, there is always a component about your own personality that makes you vulnerable, though this never means it is somehow your fault! But it does mean that once you fiend a better fit (and she will at some point in life!) that trait about her, in her case, for instance, her sarcastic wit, will be something that people appreciate her for as opposed to being put off by.
If she is able and willing, she may practice to fit in, trying to have silly conversations about hairstyles or whatever. Personally I feel doing this does not mean denying yourself or dumbing down, but, in adapting to your circumstances, learning a valuable skill that you may need on your professional life. It is not something one should have to do forever, but it may get her through middle school.

I agree ask the guidance counselor. Hopefully there are kids they could try and connect her up with. I bet your daughter isn't alone and she really only needs to find one friend to make thing better. In junior high girls become really catty, social groups are constantly being rearranged and it doesn't take much to be on the outs.

As to the "no one eats alone". My DS's junior high tried this when DS was in 8th. DS ate alone out of CHOICE in 7th & part of 8th. He found empty table and read quietly during lunch. At the time I think he really needed the space from being forced to be social. He HATED it in 8th grade when they instituted a new policy that forced him to share space with other kids. Although after a few months of gripping it actually did work and he did finally find some kids he didn't mind sharing a table. DS is 16 and a junior in H.S. and honestly it did get a LOT better.

But your daughter isn't my son and clearly doesn't want to be alone so I would defiantly try and get school to intervene. My district offers social skills groups run by a social worker and I recommend you ask if they have anything. Directly working on social skills with a small group can be really beneficial to any kid struggling socially.

I would hate to be forced to interact with people every lunch time. I would just suggest she take a book and make the most of the time out but since she doesn't want that go and talk to the counselor.

Are the teachers or coaches of her extracurriculars approachable? Both band and science Olympiad are important sources of social life for my kids, but it obviously depends on the atmosphere and structure of those activities. I think we are lucky, as the teachers/coaches seem to really get this and consciously foster the social aspect.

Our band has lots of opportunities for interaction outside of actual band practice- does she have a lesson group? Playing together in lesson group or a small ensemble gives some structure that can be helpful in getting to know different kids- kids here are in groups that play in competitions, or for adjucation/feedback at festivals, or for things like the talent show at school.

Science Olympiad stuff has been the most helpful- does she have partners assigned for her events? Having the event preparation as an excuse to invite kids over works well here- the close nature of the work forces them to get to know each other well. Our team also does a lot of practices where dinner is provided- again, eating together helps them bond (though it is a lot of work for the parents!) We have found that most of the SO team is somewhat quirky and different, and they are often introverted, so perhaps it is not just your DD, and some social engineering would be beneficial to others, too.

Just a note about reading at lunch- both my kids have had friends who read at lunch at various points during middle school. I'm sure it varies from school to school, but it seemed acceptable here. My kids also both have gone through stages where they played cards or other games during lunch- a good way to avoid some of the mindless small talk, and helped my DD "break in" to an all-boys table where she felt more socially comfortable (no talk about hairstyles, thankfully.)

My DD also went through a stage when she drew/doodled/cartooned a lot during lunch (again, made her feel more comfortable sitting with a couple of boys who liked to do the same.) Are there any kids in her art club who might enjoy some kind of lunchtime drawing? Perhaps the teacher could help you out here.

Good luck- middle school lunch is one of the toughest parts of school, I think.