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    Aquinas, thanks so much for the sure shelter writings. I just read one and it almost made me cry. Dd is definitely at a level where friendship is a mutually respectful and meaningful relationship. She is surprised at how callous other kids can be but she always brushes it off with her favorite word "whatever". But deep down I think she is longing for true friends.
    Mana, the change to a new school hasn't helped her socially. In fact, that was our only concern that we brought up at the p/t conference. Her teacher promised to help so we will see.

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    Megmeg, I agree with you. Dh and I knew we wanted only one child and we waited till we were both financially secure before having a child. So we don't regret it one bit. I just really want dd to grow up happy and never feel like something is missing.

    Cdfox, I can relate to what you said about cultural norms. A single child family is rare in my culture and I was constantly nagged about having another. They always said is as a joke or just a simple question but it annoyed me to no end. I started replying that once you hit the jackpot, you don't play lottery again. I wonder is dd is responding to subtle clues in her environment about what an ideal family looks like.

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    Polarbear, i agree that kids wanting a different sibling configuration is normal. Dd has been asking for a sibling for 2 years now and I did not pay much attention because of what you and others here mentioned. I only started worrying recently because of her daily pleas for a sibling followed by meltdowns. i am not sure if that is normal. Today at the thanksgiving table, she insisted on setting a place for her doll. We had a lot of company so squeezing in an extra place at the table was not easy but we did it to avoid meltdowns. Hopefully, she will come out of this phase.

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    My singleton has never really outgrown her wish that she'd had a sibling. I never have, either. (Sorry.)

    It wasn't what we'd have planned, either, but it's how it worked out.

    I'm also an only-- and I will add, here, that there are some very legitimate down sides to being one as an adult with aging parents. DD knows this, and has mentioned it, watching us manage things with/for our own aging/dying parents.

    DD is just plain lonely. As an introvert, she deals with this better than many children would, I expect. I did, too-- but as a singleton who is an outlier, you do suffer for not having others who can understand you.

    DD didn't have a lot of social peers until she entered college, for example. Even now, she is definitely at a different stage socially than most of her peers are. It is aggravating-- her arc isn't the same as theirs. It's not that she "isn't there yet" so much as that she went through whatever-it-is when she was more like 10-14, and now it's done and she's a bit impatient with it all, if that makes sense.

    She's also not into "casual" relationships-- friendships or otherwise. The investment seems to her to be wasted unless the person has the basic capacity to be someone that she would choose to keep in her life long term. Obviously, basic compatibility isn't entirely based on cognitive ability, but it's a part of it for her, and that means that about 95% of the people she encounters are not in that category. If not, she keeps them out of her inner circle-- though she often leaves them none the wiser that they aren't "close" with her, if that makes any sense.

    I guess I'm just saying that yes, on the one hand, this isn't your child's decision to make... but on the other, I would be gentle about this.

    It is painful to be an outlier all over again, and if she doesn't KNOW any other singletons well, it can feel that way. I'm the only singleton in my extended family, for example. I was also treated to any number of myths about my only-child status both during childhood and also as an adult, later on. That OF COURSE I'd have struggled to live in a dorm setting, since I didn't know how to live with a sibling... that I must be self-centered, etc. etc. None of those things is truly related to having siblings or not. It might be related to parenting or one's childhood experiences, I suppose. But to having a sibling, no.

    I did swear that I'd never have an only child, knowing how lonely I was. frown





    Schrödinger's cat walks into a bar. And doesn't.
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    It's funny, we know a ton of only-child families. Maybe it's a coastal academic thing? So my DD thinks being an only child is quite normal.

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    Lovemydd, she was pretty nonplussed. Then my DH chimed in with a couple of "horror" stories from his childhood as the middle of three. That was when she was almost 11.

    In the past year though she got some initial experience with babysitting and decided that she doesn't like children and certainly wouldn't want another one around. So I guess that issue has solved itself.

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    HK - exactly hit the head on the nail! With these outliers, it can be quite tough emotionally as it is. But when you start veering so far from the norm in other ways (ie. diet, lifestyle, etc.), it can seem to magnify the differences and make one feel like they stick out like a sore thumb even more.

    PolarBear - I have to say that most of those insensitive comments have decreased substantially within the last 2-3 yrs so and as my hair has become grayer and look older. Still, I could have done without some of them when I was younger and trying to have a #2 and some of that sting seems to take ages to get over, if you ever do.

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    Quote
    It's funny, we know a ton of only-child families. Maybe it's a coastal academic thing? So my DD thinks being an only child is quite normal.
    Lovemydd, maybe you could talk with her about how China has -- or, had, rather -- their one-child policy. I think that, obviously, there's both good and bad things about, but that sort of captures the whole only-child thing pretty well. For example, you could talk about how some people want a second after the policy is over, but many say they just don't. Furthermore, I think maybe it could help put it into perspective -- after all, if all of China can do it, it must be survivable. It's not the end of the world. (It cause some economic problems for them, I guess, but you get my point.)

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    HK, your post made me sad, both for your dd and mine. Like your dd, mine does not fit the negative stereotype of an only child. She is compassionate, totally understands the needs of others even when they are not stated, and is always there for others. She will help little kids at the playground if they are struggling with something, will comfort a child who is hurt and play with a kid who has no one to play with. So she cannot understand why the same kids she stood by don't want to play with her the next day. She did mention one girl in her class she wants to be friends with so I arranged a play date they both enjoyed. I am going to make an effort to arrange more play dates with more of her classmates to help dd make friends. Like aquinas suggested, we will find some community projects she can be part of to feel like she belongs to a larger entity than just her family. I have never dismissed dd's feelings and I agree with you HK on respecting her wishes even if the decision is mine. Thank you for your post, even though it was not what I wanted to hear.

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    Portia, your son sounds very mature. He seems secure and happy as a singleton. How do you/he meet his social needs? Any ideas that have worked for your family?
    Ivy, 😊 I was thinking that when she is old enough, dd might like to babysit. It will be fun to see how she reacts to little children then. I suspect she will like it. I love children and when we have company, I spend more time with the kids than the adults and I love it.
    Fruitydragon, I will have to look into it. I am myself not very well versed with China's one child policy and its implications. You have piqued my curiosity so I will be researching this topic this weekend.
    I have a feeling logic is not going to win us this situation. Like HK mentions, I need to acknowledge her desires and explore the root cause and see how we can work on addressing those in creative ways that do not include addition of a sibling to the family.

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