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    Joined: Apr 2013
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    This is why I don't even engage in conversations about nonexistent siblings - it's pointless having a discussion about something that is never happening (as if it wasn't already years too late anyway; a sibling 8 years younger isn't that fun), especially when these kids are so good at reasoning away every argument. I think trying to talk them out of it just gives them a glimmer of hope that it's still a possibility if only they argue well enough. I reckon it's far more helpful to say "Nope. You never did get any sibs and you never will. End of conversation. Think about something else."
    Actually a pet's not a bad idea - but again, if you don't want a dog, shut down that conversation too. Don't waver and waver or else she'll learn that if she nags you enough she'll get her way! I personally do not cave to nagging smile I listen to all points of view and make my decision, then that's it, my decision is final smile (Even if that decision is to revisit the idea in a year for x reason)
    We have cats, which are far less needy than dogs, but still good company to chase around the backyard and cuddle in bed. I'm sure there's a thread somewhere with good suggestions for interactive pets smile
    Don't feel guilty. It's your life and body for you to decide what to do with - definitely not her decision. Get her focus on friendships, something realistic and achievable, and something *she* has control of, rather than wishing for unicorns

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    Yeah, DD12 always agitated for a sibling as well. When she was younger I'd just tell her that it wasn't going to happen. However, one time recently, she was whining and I just told her bluntly "if you wanted siblings, you should have slept more as a baby."

    Which is true by the way. We had planned on a second, but after getting her to finally sleep through the night (when, and I kid you not, she was like five years old) we knew we were done. DD is the best ever, but she took a decade off our lives as a baby and toddler.

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    She is really craving for someone who stays under the same roof, who can be part of her imaginative pretend adventures, and relate to her. I understood as much in talking to her yesterday and I feel guilty for not being able to give her that.

    I get the feeling that -- even though of course most people really do love their siblings, etc. -- your daughter might just be projecting her feelings onto the idea of a sibling. I'd gently remind her that having a sibling does not mean an automatic best friend -- even if s/he was the same age, they just might not get along or relate to each other, etc. They can still be very different and not get along. Maybe she just knows that, Well, my siblings would have to like me, Mom and Dad would make them, so I wouldn't have to worry about making friends. But instead I would remind her that friends are just as good -- and way more practical -- of a solution. She can, somewhere out there, find somebody just like her that's needing a friend, too. It's not as automatic as a sibling, but it'll happen.

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    Welcome back, Lovemydd! Lovely to have you back around these parts again. smile

    It sounds like your DD is craving peer companionship. You might want to look into some of Miraca Gross' writings on "sure shelters", as she offers some insightful commentary into the unique social needs of gifted children.

    As a thought, don't feel you need to limit potential friends to children. Many older people find themselves longing for friendship, and an intelligent adult friend could well be what your DD is looking for. I find volunteer work with the elderly or those in medical care a great way to meet new friends and spread some love. Is that the kind of thing your DD would like? Cause-driven people are inspiring; what is she passionate about?


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    Originally Posted by Ivy
    Which is true by the way. We had planned on a second, but after getting her to finally sleep through the night (when, and I kid you not, she was like five years old) we knew we were done. DD is the best ever, but she took a decade off our lives as a baby and toddler.

    Exactly.

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    I agree with aquinas. Your DD is asking for a sibling but I do wonder what she is truly saying is that she is lonely.

    My DD wanted to have all-day playdates with a friend of hers last year (and they did, which was exhausting for all of us involved) and looking back, I do wonder if she felt out of place at school.

    Is her current school working out for her socially?

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    Originally Posted by puffin
    Lots of kids wish they were only children. We don't get rid of the other kids.
    THIS. Kids don't need a particular family configuration to be happy. (I got really clear on this when I decided to become a single mother. I have never treated it as potential source of trauma. "No, we don't have a dad in our family. We also don't have a brother. Or a dog.")

    My DD's best friend is part of a large family, and it's a bit hard on DD, who is quite the extravert. The best friend adores DD, but is just less desperate for play-dates all the time, because she's always part of a group.

    On the other hand, DD feels sorry for the best friend not having lots of intense one-on-one time with her mom.

    Originally Posted by Ivy
    "if you wanted siblings, you should have slept more as a baby."
    BWA-hahahahaha!

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    My ds10 is an only and goes through this periodically. Yes, part of it is loneliness. However, part of it, I think is entirely normal to want (or think you want) something you don't have. Most families have more than one child in the US and many other countries around the world. Part of it is cultural, I believe. Many books, television programs, or other media forms revolve around siblings or sibling rivalry - and annoyingly so. If you're an only, you can feel left out of this cultural 'norm.' You can get the feeling that you'll never get to experience that sibling rivalry or sibling love per se. You're often led to believe that the perfect family is 2.4. Also, many products and other things in life are designed with two parents and two children in mind. So there are subtle constant reminders around of how an only is not the 'norm,' even though we, as adults, know there is no 'perfect' family or norm. It can be easy for only children to point to the supposed positives of having siblings and seeing only the negatives with being an only and not seeing the full picture.

    I don't think parents of 2+ more children really understand the life for only children or their parents, imho. I just don't think they understand how decisions or choices are often out of our hands and not under our control with having children. Many people can be insensitive with it, I've found. Some only g/t children can be overly sensitive as a result because their relationship with their parents can be so close and intense. Also, many people will make comments about being them being an only child and sometimes it can be unsettling as well as being completely insensitive.

    I, too, had my ds10 at a later age. Ds was born with some severe physical issues which totally consumed by time and energy. Needless to say, a #2 child never came and so we have an only. I do not regret for second with what's happened or having an only child. It's not what I originally planned or intended but I'm at peace with myself now. My ds is a 2e/pg and life has been rather challenging at times. I just can't fathom doing any of it again if a #2 ever came or we adopted.

    On the bright side of life, the literature for an only g/t often speaks volumes though. An only child often receives more time, energy, and attention from their parents. And, oftentimes, the mother, in particular, isn't completely stressed out or sapped with an only child. That's something to bear in mind too.

    And by the way, I'm the middle of three. Many times, I would have got rid of my older sister and younger brother in a heartbeat!

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    Originally Posted by cdfox
    However, part of it, I think is entirely normal to want (or think you want) something you don't have.

    ITA - and it's not limited to children who are the only children in their families. My own children have gone through phases of wanting what they don't have. My youngest (of three) wished more than anything to be an only child when she was younger - part of it was having a friend who was an only child, part of it was just n normal "grass is greener" thinking. My middle child would have been very happy to have a different sister - they don't have much in common and her younger sister can be quite annoying at times smile

    Quote
    I don't think parents of 2+ more children really understand the life for only children or their parents, imho. I just don't think they understand how decisions or choices are often out of our hands and not under our control with having children. Many people can be insensitive with it, I've found.

    I'm sorry you've been faced with insensitivity, cdfox. I would add though, that the insensitivity is most likely due to personality of the people who are insensitive, rather than simply because they are parenting more than one child.

    Best wishes,

    polarbear

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    Thanks avocado. I agree with what you said and have decided not to try to discuss this hypothetical issue with dd.
    Ivy, lol. How did your dd react to that statement?
    Fruity dragon, you are right on about why dd is craving for a sibling. She lives a lot inside her head and is therefore not very successful in attracting friends. Hopefully, she will find others like her.

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