Gifted Issues Discussion homepage Forums Twice Exceptional Revisiting possibility of ADHD - advice welcome

Dubsyd, don't, don't, DON'T beat yourself up over this. Executive function gaps take a long time of routine and scaffolding to work on, and you have been doing a great job of looking for ways to provide those supports. Your son is very young still. I know (oh, don't I know) that it feels like forever. These are life skills, and our kids will be working on them always. It's terribly hard to keep going when it feels like you aren't having any effect, but you are, you really are, even if you can't see it yet.

Sometimes, though, it's simply going to take a lot more maturity before he can independently take on what you are teaching, and sometimes other interventions are needed too (such as medication, CBT, executive function counselling). You are on the right track to figure out all of these things, and you've got the routines and supports that mean as he becomes more able, everything he needs is there and already in place helping him.

And mornings.... egad, mornings. Still a disaster around here, especially for DS, and he's in middle school now. Eat. Brush teeth and hair. Get dressed. Put on outerwear. How can he remember 100+ digits of pi and yet not have a clue that these are the four things he must do every morning, exactly the same as every other morning for the last 10 years?

Some mornings I despair. Some mornings I lose it. But then I stop and look around and realize all the *other* things he now can and does do, tough things he remembers, the routines we are starting to build and he's (mostly) keeping up in his complex middle school reality. And I realize how much he has learned to do, and how much more capable he is, and how incredibly much he is starting to take responsibility and the initiative, especially over the last year. And I am amazed.

And yes, an hour for now, when he's late for the bus, I will be pulling my hair out. But I'll pour a new cup of coffee, sit back, and remember that on Monday Mr. Shy-and-Anxious took a stack of paper to one of his teachers, and asked her to help him figure out what they would still work on in class, when it was all due, and what had to be done at home. And I will be very proud. Even if he was still wearing his pjs when he asked.

It's really overwhelming and that heartbreak feeling is just awful.

DS12 was recently diagnosed ASD after having several different diagnoses for years. I have to say the more I read about it, the more I have aha moments and think, well--of course!

DS most pronounced deficit is EF--he is also low on every.single.function and it is discouraging. It's easy to obsess about the deficits. Since you asked for advice, here's mine:

--be open minded about medication. Nobody wants to medicate but it is truly life-altering for many.

--do not allow yourself to see only the negatives (even when it is difficult). Remind yourself every day of your child's strengths.

--don't buy into the "empathy" thing with the ASD rule-out. Research that. I think there is a huge difference between conceptualizing social issues as a "lack of empathy" and a "difficulty with perspective-taking."

--even if your DS doesn't meet diagnostic criteria for ASD, if you think there are social communication issues, work on these. DS here is so verbal that nobody (including myself) understood that he struggles with communication. I wish I'd understood it a lot earlier and better, so we could have worked on these things. His biggest problem right now is that *some* adults (certain teachers, particularly) just either can't or won't believe he struggles and think he is just a jerk. Adolescence hasn't really helped this, because his awkwardness has gravitated from cute toward snark. I wish I'd understood earlier.

My DS pretty much stopped getting in trouble altogether when he began taking medication. I don't really think the impulse control v. social communication is an either/or situation--my son certainly has both issues. Impulse control is definitely improved by medication but also that seems to improve with maturity.

Thank you Platypus101 and eco21268. I had a cry and a laugh reading your posts, both of which were much needed.

I will definitely keep ASD on the radar. It does seem to me that social interaction is an area that he struggles with.

Sometimes it can be so hard to focus on the positive! But it is there, and I am going to make a conscious effort to start trying to move my attention in that direction.

We have four morning steps too Platypus101, and yes it does boggle the mind doesn't it?