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    #222609 09/21/15 08:10 AM
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    We're still working on this.

    On Saturday, DS12 was supposed to start homework at 11am, and try to get a lot done because he had a 1pm doctor appointment. By 11:20 he still hadn't started so I tried to get him moving along. But he was very stressed and kept falling on the floor, not working, and complaining that the assignments were too hard.

    After an episode in which I ended up threatening taking away his electronics (I'm not proud of this) he reluctantly started working, and finished his homework fairly easily.

    Later, he tells me that he was upset because he had been making progress in a video game and wanted 10 more minutes to finish. That apparently was the source of all of the drama.

    Of course, if he had actually told me, I would have happily let him finish. Aside from playing 20 questions every time there is a meltdown, how do you address this issue?

    BSM #222613 09/21/15 09:33 AM
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    Keep in mind that there's a special relativity in force around video games, such that 10 minutes in video game time can be 2 hours in real time.

    BSM #222614 09/21/15 09:52 AM
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    I try to give my kids warnings, such as "In 10 minutes, you need to start your homework." Sometimes I use a timer. That way there are no surprises and if they need to save a game or wrap something up in the 10 minutes, they have a chance. I don't really think you did anything wrong in terms of not giving him the extra 10 minutes, as long as you gave him a warning rather than "Ok, you need to stop now." (and he had no idea).

    BSM #222617 09/21/15 10:19 AM
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    Originally Posted by BSM
    ... wanted 10 more minutes to finish... Of course, if he had actually told me, I would have happily let him finish.
    You may wish to mention this to him, if you haven't already, and begin a conversation about positive self-advocacy.

    "Self-Advocacy, The Power of Speaking Up", linked near the bottom of this article from the Davidson Database, may be of interest.

    BSM #222622 09/21/15 11:08 AM
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    Well in my house at that age.. Trying to get ANY homework done on a Saturday morning would have been useless. In my son's case homework used to (and some times still does but he's improved) takes up all available time. It NEVER worked to have DS do homework in the weekend in the morning to 'get it out of the way'. I just gave up and scheduled homework Sunday evenings/afternoons and the plan is to spend time earlier in the weekend looking over the homework so he can estimate how long it will take. Or if it's something that needs starting earlier.

    As to the computer game, I've been through many of these tantrums. The 10 more minutes would have easily turned into 30. Kids really have very little sense of how much time it would really take to finish. In addition many games don't make it easy to stop only often only allowing you to save at certain points in the game. What helped with this for my DS was always giving a 10 minute warning & then a 5 minute one before he had to shut down a game. And then being slightly flexible on the 10 minutes as long as DS was actively working on shutting it down. Understanding the rhythm of the game he was playing helped us come to a compromise that worked for both of us.

    Last edited by bluemagic; 09/21/15 11:09 AM.
    BSM #222623 09/21/15 11:09 AM
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    Originally Posted by BSM
    On Saturday, DS12 was supposed to start homework at 11am, and try to get a lot done because he had a 1pm doctor appointment. By 11:20 he still hadn't started so I tried to get him moving along. But he was very stressed and kept falling on the floor, not working, and complaining that the assignments were too hard.

    After an episode in which I ended up threatening taking away his electronics (I'm not proud of this) he reluctantly started working, and finished his homework fairly easily.
    I don't have any earth-shattering advice on this, but in our parallel universe, it works better when we do a "first things first" policy. This is very difficult on the weekend, because all of us would prefer to laze around in the morning, reading and computer-ing and all that.

    One thing I find helpful is to make sure I'm using my own biorhythm to my advantage: i.e. I'm a morning person so I find it easier to enforce my own policies earlier in the day, rather than later. YMMV.

    Maybe your DS would be open to having a conversation where he owns the homework time and understands if he can't switch gears or make the positive behavior happen when it's needed, the electronics privilege is removed NOT as a punishment, but as a parent making the decision that's in the best interest of the child type deal.

    I don't like coercive parenting, either, but with a different frame--it's a little easier to swallow. We have to be the kids' frontal lobe sometimes, don't we?


    BSM #222648 09/21/15 07:30 PM
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    We try to do the 10 minute warning. It usually works. This time my wife and I were both busy and it slipped. Not to mention that we are trying to get him to live in the real world with respect to time (yeah right!).

    But so many meltdowns and issues could be avoided if he just vocalized what was wrong.

    BSM #222649 09/21/15 08:09 PM
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    Yup.. the problem in my house was learning to vocalize his needs and not meltdown. Easier said than done. Maturity has helped enormously and DS hasn't really melted down since around 13.

    We also worked at it and DS did some work with a therapist in junior high for anxiety and they worked on this as well. At home we made it clear that the meltdowns don't work. And worked on preventing meltdowns by listening to my son and working out compromises ahead of time.

    You can try and get him to work on living in the real world for time by having him either wear a watch or having a clock nearby. Verbally make him aware of the time and that the computer or other activity goes off at x time. Instead of telling him he has 10 minutes, periodically ask him to check the time hopefully instilling that habit when doing certain tasks.

    Last edited by bluemagic; 09/21/15 08:13 PM.
    BSM #222656 09/22/15 03:25 AM
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    Originally Posted by BSM
    But so many meltdowns and issues could be avoided if he just vocalized what was wrong.
    Don't know if this fits for your DS, but for mine, the issue seems to be that he doesn't actually recognize what is wrong when under emotional siege, but can later put it all together and communicate. He does need help with this, though (in the form of questions, suggestions for describing what's happening...e.g. "is it like this? Or is it something different?")

    It's a pretty common scenario for anxiety. One idea is to ask DS to deconstruct post-mortem. Can he describe any physiological reactions? If he can begin to identify when he begins to go off the rails, that's a good start. He needs some strategies for self-soothing. Ask him if he can observe himself as a "disinterested third party."

    The meltdowns are kind of self-perpetuating because they cause more anxiety (child feels ashamed, child realizes he's stressed out everyone around him, etc.)

    This would be a really good thing to work on in tandem with a therapist.

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    Originally Posted by eco21268
    Don't know if this fits for your DS, but for mine, the issue seems to be that he doesn't actually recognize what is wrong when under emotional siege, but can later put it all together and communicate. He does need help with this, though (in the form of questions, suggestions for describing what's happening...e.g. "is it like this? Or is it something different?")

    This would be a really good thing to work on in tandem with a therapist.

    This is exactly what happens with my DS. He goes from 0 to 60 when under stress and then cannot be rational. However, once calm, he can look back at what happened and reflect on it. And we use the question approach too, as often he cannot articulate what exactly is bothering him (or he won't want to bring it up) but he'll answer yes or no questions.

    He's been in therapy for 3 years. I'll have to talk to his therapist to see if we can make some progress in these areas.

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