Gifted Issues Discussion homepage Forums General Discussion Perfectionism/lawn mower parents - a caution

I agree with Eco. In reference to Indigo’s comment, I was raised working poor. I was not an overindulged whiny brat by any stretch of the imagination. I do have decent priorities, generally! However, when I was thrust into a neighborhood of peers who had so much more than me and seemed to BE so much more than me and who were often comparing (and yes one-upping) each other I got very sucked in… I felt inadequate and it did make me feel depressed. I recognized what was happening and “checked out” as much as I could form that group and formed my own that was much closer to me in income, outlook, etc. and was MUCH happier and back in my right state of mind so to speak … I look back and marvel how inadequate I once felt because I did not have the latest $800 stroller, was the only one who did not have chandelier and the professionally painted mural in the nursery and couldn’t afford the expensive Gymboree mommy and me classes everyone was going to with their 6 month old and shake my head… So, I think it is very easy to lose one’s perspective in that way! Yeah, totally petty. Totally not important to now or before then … but during that time… it can have an effect. My husband (raised much wealthier and more indulged than I) – not even remotely as affected as myself.

However, what is striking to me is that no one is talking about the very blatant reason this particular woman came so close to taking her life! She realized she is a lesbian… And, apparently, she correctly realized her parents and her church/culture/society maybe never accept her true self – her true identity. Her father said he was living to “hand her off to her husband some day” !!! I mean, yikes! Her father has still not accepted her. Living hiding such a thing because your parents will stop loving and accepting you, it’s gonna take a toll – a big one. I am not sure the real message here is about “achievement” as much as it pretends to be. Maybe it’s more about the cost of hiding who one really is, particularly when that real identity is lesbian…

Agreed.

Just because everyone's doing it, does not make it a worthwhile pastime.

I reject that whole view of things.

The fact that some adults are willing to amputate parts of their souls to fit in those little boxes is irrelevant. I am am not willing to be a cog in that machine. My kids shouldn't be grist for that mill. The fact your life sucks isn't justification for tormenting the next generation. Kids at SF Lowell or TJ or Boston Latin or Whitney or Stuyvesant shouldn't be working until 1:00am every night. Kids at PA or Gunn shouldn't be stepping in front of trains. Gifted education isn't tantamount to workaholism.

Yes, it's nearly an addiction... Congrats on your recovery!

The article was quite a tossed-salad of stories and angles, including acne, first low grade, possible change of major and shift of planned career, self-doubt fueled by social media...

LOL thanks! I simply did not have the means to keep up at all so it was either "recover" somehow or continue to feel crappy and inadequate... I am sure different things about different people make them more or less resilient to it but it can affect happiness ... and can affect a great deal some times...

Agreed. Exactly. Unrealistic expectations.

Wikipedia explains it here.

Agreed.

Appreciate the link, but was hoping someone could dumb it down for me. Id be surprised to learn males of the species are more inclined toward negative self-eval via social media, but surprises are surprising...

Most of the men/boys I encounter IRL seem somewhat less likely to use FB to project an image of perfection, and more likely to use it to debate on political threads...I realize that may sound like I'm stereotyping--it's just an informal observation.

I'm mostly asking to increase my own awareness, professionally and personally. I currently operate under the assumption that women/girls are more susceptible to harsh self comparison in re: social media.

I'm glad you reevaluated/recovered. New motherhood is a huge identity adjustment. Kinda hard to know where your priorities lie in wake of all the changes. We all want what's best for our kids, easy to be mesmerized by shiny symbols of successful parenting. And so much easier when you find your tribe.

I agree completely. Thanks for saying this so eloquently. Workaholism isn't the only option by a wide margin.