Gifted Issues Discussion homepage Forums Parenting and Advocacy Routine tasks turn into unending rituals

I hear a version of the following from every teacher/coach/therapist that has contact with DS4 (almost 5)
"Nice kid, really smart, does not really listen".

Routine tasks (like putting on velcro shoes) turn into these never ending rituals that drag on an on until as parents we get frustrated, or we just put the shoes on ourselves, or we draw a line in the sand and announce that DD2 will go with Mommy to do The Fun Outside Thing leaving DS4 stranded inside with Daddy (unless he puts on his shoes).

This has been going on since he was a toddler (he famously once tool 40 minutes to pick out his jammies because they were all so interesting I guess).

I don't know if this is ADHD, or maybe inconsistent parenting, or maybe he is just so smart that he sees us as these inconvenient troglodytes to be toyed with for his amusement.

I can't remember if you've tested already - if so was his processing speed and working memory a relative weakness?

(I have some thoughts but some of it might not apply based on that)

We did a WPPSI-IV at 3:5 or so. Working memory was in the mid 80s percentile. He hit the ceiling in the VCI and was in the mid 90s percentile for Visual/Spatial.

I take these scores with a grain of salt, but he has done well in a gifted program. We are currently doing speech therapy, and also (for the summer only) some occupational therapy.

I want to find a way to constructively support/scaffold him so he is challenged appropriately. I don't want to do everything for him, or have him get frustrated and overwhelmed if he is not supported.

I found a book that seemed to help with my daughter. I found it by accident at the library, but I'm really glad I did. It's called "Smart but Scattered" - http://amzn.com/1593854455 - and it's about developing executive function skills in kids.

The book helps identify the skills that are strengths and weaknesses in both you and your children. Just ID'ing those helped me understand the differences among my family (hubby, me, DS6.9 and DD10.9).

One of my strengths is one of my daughter's weaknesses and that creates many of the issues. The book also shows how a combo of weaknesses cause problems in daily life, and it provides strategies on how to foster growth in those weaker skills.

So this may or may not apply to your situation but I'll share and maybe there is something of use.

DS9 had a lot of similarities and we've had a lot of "he smart but..." conversations over the years. At 4/5 he was almost always the last kid out of the school and the slowest getting dressed (and we're in Canada so snowpants, jackets, mitts, boots, neck warmer and toques are needed for much of the school year which just adds to the fun). He drove us nuts and he drove teachers nuts.

When he was tiny daycare drop-offs were a nightmare and this continued into school. He developed complex rituals as a coping mechanism I believe. Transitions and the unknown cause stress for him so having a known ritual was comforting. It was a long sequence of different handshakes, fist bumps, hugs, kisses, certain phrases and if you missed one or didn't say the exact phrase right or did something out of order you had to start over. We were quite the sight in the school yard each morning.

For us another contributing factor (I believe) is that our DS has pretty low working memory (58%ile) and even lower processing speed (13%ile). These two things together combine for him so that when the teacher says "ok kids, the day is done, don't forget your homework, put your chairs and indoor shoes on top of your desk because they are cleaning the floors, go get your stuff on and line up at the door, oh and don't forget that tomorrow is crazy hair day" it just didn't work for him (although he is improving with age).

One of the biggest things that we changed at home was to simplify our instructions and give warnings to ease transitions (that last one we had figured out long ago on our own). He really needs time to switch gears and prepare for it. Then when it was time to go we'd do really simple, concise directions "DS snowpants", then "DS boots", etc. Breaking things down helped a lot for us. Eventually we started making them 2 steps, then 3, then 4... now we don't really think about it. If he is slower than usual then we resort back to the one step commands though.

FWIW DS had a lot of traits that resembled ADHD especially in school (that was what prompted us to test in the first place). The other piece of our DS's puzzle is an LD in written expression so in school some of his "not listening" was actually him just not being able to do the requested writing. The combination of LD/gifted is a hard one for teachers to process - most just don't get it.

We have tried to use natural consequences as much as possible. During school we just kept starting the whole process earlier and earlier so that there was enough time to accommodate his slowness. If he complained that he wanted more play time in the morning then we pointed out that we had to start early until we were faster. When he got faster then the natural reward was more playtime.

Not sure if any of that rings any bells or helps but I share your pain.

P.S. I loved the inconvenient troglodytes comment

cmguy - congrats on your amazing patience! We have this same problem and it drives me wild. I never have the patience to wait while DS7 picks out his clothes or puts away things or any of the other routine things.

DS's most consistent stall is the bathroom mirror, which will distract him for many minutes before he washes hands/brushes teeth, etc. I have no idea what he's doing when he stares into it. Sometimes he is watching himself make faces, but most often he is just transfixed, staring into some other place - and driving me bonkers. At one point I actually hung a towel over the mirror so he would just get on with it.

Anyway - keep up the good work on being patient instead of taking over and making things happen. I'm often concerned that my interventions are slowing down development of DS's executive function skills.

FWIW on the other hand - we do the logical consequences/you're going to miss out if you don't move it strategy, whenever it would be useful (e.g., "you're going to miss going to play basketball" (sadness) versus "you're going to be late to school" (hooray!!). And honestly, these consequences don't appear to help. They make him mad, sure. But they don't help him improve execution. I think there's value in him learning there ARE consequences, so he can internalize that he needs to build in time. But I've given up thinking the consequences are actually going to make him faster.

One reason I've kinda lost hope on EF completely going away as an issue is that uber-responsible DH who is an accomplished, brilliant, successful business owner has the EXACT SAME PROBLEM. It was an ah-ha moment for me the day I realized I always build time in around schedules that include DH. It's just the way DH's brain works, and you take the bad with the good (or the great IMHO!). I think DS will just need to do the same for his whole life.

To chime in on chay's point - his WISC scores were crazy with respect to processing speed. His PSI was exactly one half of his VCI. And boy do I see it in real life!!

Good luck with your absent-minded professor!

Sue

A point re: "Nice kid, really smart, does not really listen."

A brilliant person talking to me about DS once said, "Listening is about more than just receiving sound. He may hear, but that doesn't mean he can always listen."

I use this language when I'm talking to teachers about things that make it hard for DS to listen and execute: e.g., loud, chaotic settings. That is to say - every elementary classroom during every transition, every day.

LOL! Maybe the higher VCI and lower WM/PSI scores are the recipe for Entrepreneurs! That's how my DD's scores came back, and we joke that my DD is a mini-DH with regards to personality... and my DH is also a business owner/entrepreneur... and they have very similar EF skill strengths & weaknesses.

Wow - I can relate to the sentiment of 'being toyed with for amusement'! LOL My DS7 also dawdles when changing into PJs (or into day clothes) - even when he knows he's losing reading time, or something else. Sometimes he just wants me beside him when he changes - no idea why. DD at the same age was so much more independent (with clothes anyway).

Last school year DS7 was in the after-care program. The program was in the gym and the caregivers would have the kids keep their stuff in the changerooms. At pickup time, DS had to go into the changeroom to get his stuff so we could go. So, after convincing him to stop playing with friends because we needed to go, to would disappear into the changeroom - and we'd wait, and wait, and wait. Eventually one of the staff would go and see where he was - he'd be lying on a bench or the floor - just doing nothing. Did he need quiet time? Was he thinking? Was he overwhelmed with the task? I have no idea.

Eventually one of the staff set up a race between him and his best friend - he timed them. Lo and behold - he was coming out of the changeroom in seconds!
It's strange because he is usually not competitive, but sometimes a little competition seems to motivate. (At home though, any attempt to do something similar usually backfires.)

DS is also the last one to get ready in class - he does have a DCD diagnosis, so some of the slowness seems to be poor motor planning skills. But it's puzzling because when he wants to he can be quick.