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    Joined: Feb 2010
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    Having several children raises the chance that one will parent a "typical" child. My eldest son and I are bookish. My second son likes to read but likes just as much to play tennis, basketball, baseball, go swimming, or just run around. So that's what boys are like ...

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    I haven't exactly mourned because (a) my DS7 is so darned interesting and (b) from day 1, I realized he's just like his Dad, and I kinda love that guy!

    I do however have a variant of denial that is rooted in the belief that DS's behavior struggles are my fault as a parent. I CONSTANTLY question myself along these lines: If I was more strict and came down harder on DS, wouldn't his life be easier right now?

    Never mind that time and time again I've seen the utter futility of disciplining according to typical strategies. Here are some real examples of his responses at ages 4.5-5.5 to strategies that I was assured would make all the difference:

    1. sticker charts: "Mom, I need to [do thing I wish he'd stop] and a sticker isn't going to change that."
    2. time outs: "You can put me in time out but that WON'T make me sad."
    3. because I said so: "Mom, honestly, does it make any sense not to just explain it to me?"

    What has worked has been latching onto the crutch of his assessment results to remind me he is NOT a typical child. I know I shouldn't need it, but I did. That crutch (which we have never shared with anybody) helps me honor who he is, ignore the disapproving glares from people who don't/can't know what he is struggling with, and teach him in a way that will actually allow him to learn. It frees me to really revel in and enjoy this wild and wonderful little guy.

    But I still question myself every time he needs discipline. I wonder if that will ever go away.

    Anyway - you're not alone! I'm sure we all have our variants of mourning, self-doubt, etc.

    Edit to add: wow, Spaghetti, I love "welcome to the world of unpaved roads." brilliant.

    Sue

    Last edited by suevv; 07/02/15 10:31 AM.
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    Your post reminded me of an old essay written by a parent of a child with a disability. The parent compares having a kid with a disability to planning a trip to Italy and getting off the plane in Holland instead. The sentiment expressed has parallels for parents of gifted parents and any one else whose kid is not "the norm." You may not be taking the trip that you had planned but it doesn't mean you can enjoy where you ended up.

    http://www.our-kids.org/archives/Holland.html

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    I think it is more isolating being the parent of a toddler than that of an older child, it is more isolating being the mother than the father (because of the cultural expectations you are supposed to share) and it is more isolating in some communities than in others. If you live in a community where college prep track is the norm and y can reasonably expect a majority of children to be at least above 115 and a sizable minority (as opposed to 1 child on 50 or less) above 130, it is not *quite* as isolating to have your own giftie.

    If you live in a rural community where respectability in the community is conferred for living somewhere in at least the third generation and having been doing the exact same thing as your neighbours do forever, and even having a professional degree puts you outside expected norms, it is a *lot* harder. Now that DS is in private school with a mostly professional community of parents, I can see the difference - we may be on the fringes, but we are not outside. Huge difference. Huge.

    I hated my own isolation and hated my child's isolation at the same time as io enjoyed his conversation and art. I can *love* that my child has never needed a minute of prep for anything academic as I bemoan the fact that he has such a hard time fitting in.

    It does get easier. Having a hard time is not the same thing as being completely, congenitally unable to fit in, after all. Having a foot I both camps, I would *not* compare it to having a special needs child, though. The fears are just too different.

    Last edited by Tigerle; 07/03/15 02:46 AM.
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    Well, it's not really appropriate to compare it it a disability because one of the overarching goals of medicine is to eliminate disability.

    Whereas, you want to increase giftedness, hence the various periodic social engineering projects, such as positive eugenics.

    See China for details.

    So, there's that difference.

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    Originally Posted by Tigerle
    If you live in a rural community where respectability in the community is conferred for living somewhere in at least the third generation and having been doing the exact same thing as your neighbours do forever, and even having a professional degree puts you outside expected norms, it is a *lot* harder. Now that DS is in private school with a mostly professional community of parents, I can see the difference - we may be on the fringes, but we are not outside. Huge difference. Huge.

    I hated my own isolation and hated my child's isolation at the same time as io enjoyed his conversation and art. I can *love* that my child has never needed a minute of prep for anything academic as I bemoan the fact that he has such a hard time fitting in.

    This is a major contributing factor to my isolation. DH and I relocated to a new state 3 weeks before my son was born for family reasons. Whereas previously we had both always been attached to a university, we now live in the middle of a corn field. DH commutes but is no longer in academia and I am at home.

    In the school district we now live in graduating seniors get their name on a plaque if they make above a 22 on the ACT. Some years there are no kids who get a plaque. Everyone has lived here and farmed for generations.

    They almost shut the gifted program down because they didn't have more than 1 kid per grade qualify. They lowered qualifying scores across the board and lowered the IQ cutoff to 120 and they still get *maybe* 3 kids per grade.

    The only way I can meet people is through the mommy groups and they probably think I'm as weird as my kid! Ha!

    I have insisted to my husband that we move before DS enters kindergarten because I can't put him through this district. There is no way he would thrive.

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    This is exactly why I found these forums as well. I wish I could tell you that I no longer have denial, but I have long periods of this still and he's 4.5. That playdate scenario is something we STILL experience. I absolutely despise playdates. Playdates at the house are the worst-it's especially obvious how different he is when he is at home. He has artwork up that looks years ahead, calculations on paper everywhere. I never turn down a playdate offer, and always welcome kids to our home. I just secretly hate it because it's incredibly stressful for me. The parent usually realizes that he is different and our family is different due to his abilities and I can see them looking around and then ask questions that I really can't answer in front of the children and/or I don't want to answer to maintain my son's privacy.

    Once he was tested at 3.11, it helped some. My husband says he is not in denial at all and the grandparents now believe us. When I am especially feeling the lonliness of this experience, I come here and remember that I'm not alone, I'm not crazy, this is real and it is a unique life.

    My heart goes out to you. Too bad you don't live down the street. I have this ongoing fantasy that I'll meet another family with kids like this (I have a two year old showing signs of giftedness as well) and then I won't have to explain anything, we can just let the kids be themselves.

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    I could have written that exact same post, for the most part. DS is 15 months and we've been on 3 play dates the last couple of weeks that I would call nothing short of disastrous and isolating for me. DS is incredibly tall for his age and looks and acts like most 2 year old, so when I set up a play time with kids his own age it gets awkward quickly. The other kid is usually barely toddling along and here comes my DS running passed them to kick the ball back to me. After he makes the sign for food and says "food", I give him a snack pouch and he says "thank you" and signs it. He will then usually proceed to take his shoes off and get comfy, maybe look for a book. All the while, their kid has just pointed at something and maybe said one word. *facepalm* I don't even know what to say to the other mom. Ever. I've tried saying "kids all develop at different rates" and "he just started doing that"(which is a lie). I try so hard to downplay the differences, but they are starting to become so blatantly obvious now. I'm not so much worried about DS, he makes friends no matter what. I'm the one self-conscious because I don't want to rub it in, I just want my kid to enjoy playing with other kids his age. Maybe we'll find our "tribe". I live in a college town, so there are bound to be some other gifted kiddos around here.

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