Gifted Issues Discussion homepage Forums Learning Environments Would Appreciate Any Advice on Kinder Decision

K was very, very bad for us. The chaos/boredom couplet combined with a very old-school dictatorial teacher had DS miserable enough that we almost pulled him out of school all together. But here is the relevant data point for you - we could have! There is no legal requirement for a child to go to K in California.

I know this goes against the early-entry flip side of ideas on this site. But for an easily overwhelmed little boy with EF issues and anxiety, classrooms are just generally going to be very tough. So don't ever forget that whatever you decide, you can always pull the plug and re-boot next year! Frankly, we practically did that. DS had an astonishing number of "doctor appointments" second half of K year. Like twice a week. I had to check attendance requirements to make sure I didn't cause a problem due to absence. I don't recall the rules, but there was never an issue. So just remember that if you get into a rough patch, you can give your kid a break, or just step off! And FWIW - if he's overstimulated and nuts due to the crowd, I expect "nice" will be more important for him than the magnet school. There's always time for that later, and you probably do a bunch of STEAM with him at home anyway, right?

To the second part of your post - I do think it will get better and your DS will be ok (parents too!). First grade was light years better for DS. Some of that was the fact he simply had a better teacher. But to be honest, a lot of it was that he is beginning to grow in to more control over his excitability, impulses and anxiety. He has survival strategies. He's learning how to manage himself. In short, he is beginning to have EF.

There is much to be said for early entry and acceleration for kids that don't have to struggle with EF. But for kids like ours, the extra time to learn to catch themselves is just so valuable. DS honestly learned very little in academics this year (maybe nothing). He did "learn" to read, though this happened almost overnight and he went from not reading at all to reading just about anything. So it wasn't due to academic instruction at the school.

So - no academics. But really he is learning so much about how to manage away from the protective wings of Mom and Dad. He's going to be so much more ready when it comes time for him to actually tackle something academic in school. I've had to do some pretty heavy lifting to make sure the school supports my quirky little guy with proper discipline/teaching as opposed to improper punishment. But he's getting there. I'll bet your guy will, too.

Hope this rambling email helps. Happy to chat if that would help.

Sue

School selection -- I think Tigerle has it nailed re unlikely to find a perfect setting and flexibility being key. This is relevant to private schools in an important way. No matter what they say, in the end they are unlikely to be flexible enough in the particular issues our kids struggle with. When faced with extreme asynchrony/quirkiness/classroom disrupting behaviors, they will have to ask you to leave. Folks are paying big bucks to be there, and the school HAS to please their paying clients. I would want to have explicit, on point discussions and examples of extreme flexibility and tolerance before sending my son there. And for heavens sake - apply this especially to any school for gifted kids. They are highly focused on achievement. And this advice is straight from the admissions director at one of the best known gifted schools in the Bay Area. [This is not to say these won't be good schools for our kids in a few years. We still have them on our radar for middle school.]

Honestly - this was why we ended up at the local public school. I knew my son couldn't handle moving from school to school. I hear about PG kids who do that, looking for the right fit. But this would be devastating for DS. He needed a place that would fight through it with him. And no matter what - the public school has to keep working with you. Important caveat - I had good reason to believe that the principal had her head and heart in the right place.

So - we had a terrible K setting. But the principal worked with me to shepherd DS through it. And she mandated more appropriate discipline strategies that didn't work perfectly, but did help. And most critically - she FINALLY, truly believed that DS's behavior wasn't volitional, that he wanted so much to be "good" in school, that he really was trying hard. It took a few conversations with me and with DS, but she got it. That was the turning point. And most critically, it led to the optimal teacher assignment for first grade. Hopefully the same will be true in the future (I'm already losing sleep over start of second grade in a month ....). FWIW - we have never explicitly discussed his neuropsych assessment or IQ. But I'm fairly certain she knows he is far outside the box - even for our crazy Silicon Valley demographic.

And yes - I sometimes just give my little guy days off to help him get through the week. I try to have some colorable activity in case somebody asked him where he was. But sometimes it was nothing more than going over to the ocean for a particularly low tide, or visiting a friend's lab at the university for 30 minutes, or even just doing a science experiment at home. Once, I had a (really) huge block of ice and he just spent an afternoon smashing it. But I always sent email to the school saying "DS has a doctor's appointment and will not be in school on [insert date]." So the absences were excused.

And the email wasn't false if you read it carefully! He does have a doctor's appointment. And he does miss school on [date]. He just didn't miss school FOR the doctor appointment. If anybody ever asked, I planned to just say that the appointment got re-scheduled. But nobody ever asked.

And things are getting better now. Stay tuned for second grade! I hope we don't have any dramatic plot twists.

We're with you Hildy,
Sue

Why does it flash continuously?

Hildy, how old are your kids? It really depends on their age as what would be best. Let me know, I have some experience in this and be happy to help!

-Rach