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    Joined: Jun 2015
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    Has anyone found a book on this topic that they found useful? I have a 4 year old and a 3 year old (both boys) and I'm feeling overwhelmed. A life raft in the form of a book would be SO very welcome. Thanks!

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    Welcome! I have read (or scanned, as is my habit) several. One that was particularly useful is "Parenting Gifted Kids: Tips for Raising Happy and Successful Children" by James Delisle,Ph.D.

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    A book I found useful when my kids were much younger (and before we realized they were gifted) was "Raising Your Spirited Child." It isn't about gifted kids per se, but a lot of what I read applied, especially to my intense and sensitive DS.

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    This forum has given me considerably more help than any of the books that I have read TBH


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    A classic is A Parent's Guide to Gifted Children by Webb, Gore, Amend, DeVries.

    SENG (Supporting Emotional Needs of the Gifted) hosts parent group discussions on chapters of this book.

    Depending upon your particular journey, there are many more good books at Great Potential Press.

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    I found forums, blogs, and websites more helpful than most books. Interacting with other parents in the same boat helps so much-- my DS has ADHD and he's gifted. I love coming here and reading the twice exceptional forum.

    There is a website called Tools of the Mind-- sparse on information, but what is there, is quite helpful to teach self regulation/ purposeful behavior and scaffolding (extremely important in our family).


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    DW has been burning through books on this topic, and has never had one she'd strongly recommend until this one: Smart Parenting for Smart Kids

    DW is still working through it, but she had me read a few sections that seemed apt for our DD10. One of them talked about how parents should NOT be teaching their kids, or even so much as looking over their homework, when they're that age, because getting criticism from a teacher or coach is very different from getting it from a parent. From a parent, they interpret any negative feedback as, "You're not good enough, I don't love you," regardless of how kindly it's delivered, and how much positive feedback precedes it. From anyone else, it doesn't come across like that, because they're not so invested in getting approval from teachers as they are from their parents.

    It all sounded a little extreme to me, but there definitely seems to be something to it in our DD's case.

    So, yesterday DD and I were coming home from her gymnastics class, and she said she wished I could do some of it with her, and I replied, "Actually, I was thinking maybe one reason you stuck with gymnastics is because your mom and I have nothing to offer on it." I went on to give a short summary of the book's point as above, and described how it was when I'd help her with math, or DW and I would practice soccer with her, and she'd have meltdowns.

    DD10 fully agreed with the book on every point. She said that was exactly how it felt to her when we tried to teach her.

    So then I explained how hard it is as a parent who loves teaching to refrain, especially to the best kind of student one could ask for, and DD10 did assure me that I do teach her stuff. In giving examples, it became obvious that the times I'm an effective teacher for her are when we're just "chatting" about a variety of topics... science, history, philosophy, human nature, etc.

    Good talk. Good book.

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    Originally Posted by Dude
    One of them talked about how parents should NOT be teaching their kids, or even so much as looking over their homework, when they're that age, because getting criticism from a teacher or coach is very different from getting it from a parent. From a parent, they interpret any negative feedback as, "You're not good enough, I don't love you," regardless of how kindly it's delivered, and how much positive feedback precedes it. From anyone else, it doesn't come across like that, because they're not so invested in getting approval from teachers as they are from their parents.

    So I guess homeschooling would be out, then?

    I agree that the idea sounds extreme. It's also lumping all smart kids together into the same personality, so I think that YMMV here. I teach my daughter (just 11) and taught my eldest son at that age. Neither one of them reacts like they've been devastated by my saying, "That one's wrong."

    My daughter is even getting good at telling me, "Mom, the way you did that made things harder for me."

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    Val Offline
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    Originally Posted by Yogi's Mama
    Has anyone found a book on this topic that they found useful? I have a 4 year old and a 3 year old (both boys) and I'm feeling overwhelmed. A life raft in the form of a book would be SO very welcome. Thanks!

    I agree about Jim DeLisle's book.

    I've found that many parenting books promote the authors' agendas and can make you feel worse than you did when you started looking for help. So my advice is to be very careful and be skeptical about anything, especially if it promotes itself as having lots of answers.

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    Originally Posted by Val
    Originally Posted by Dude
    ... getting criticism from a teacher or coach is very different from getting it from a parent. ...

    So I guess homeschooling would be out, then?

    ...


    When I read how some people here homeschool their children, much of is sounds so great that I wish I could do it (if I didn't have to work). But... then I think of what happens whenever I try to teach my kids something - I mean actually teach a topic or a skill, rather than just discussing or answering questions. For _my_ children, it just doesn't work and usually ends up with a meltdown of some sort. I don't know if the reason is the same or not - but any feedback I give of their work - good, bad, honest opinion - is usually rejected. Any suggestion for improvement - rejected.

    Either I'm doing something very wrong, or there's something about the parent/child relationship that is preventing the teaching. So I came to the conclusion I need to out-source, even (or especially?) for things I have some expertise in.

    Thanks for the tip, Dude - going to look that one up!

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    I agree-- books may be helpful, but can under some circumstances, be less than helpful or even make you feel worse.

    I liked Ellen Winner's Gifted Children, but mostly because it served as a huge wake-up call that we weren't dealing with garden-variety gifted, but something much more unusual. In other words, the sorts of kids that are served by Davidson. In our family's case, this was important because this is what we were dealing with, and we were pretty deep in denial and fear, given that we live in an area with a lot of kids who are bright-but-not-gifted, push-parented, and garden variety gifted. There is an assumption that if you "want" more than that, you're being a special snowflake, because everything is ideal for such children in Pleasantville, thank you very much. We had worried that there might be some kind of-- well, pathology-- under it all, but nothing that we'd read really seemed to fit the profoundly functional little girl that we lived with. She was FINE when she could be who she really was, and was able to blend in for short periods of time among adults and other children-- as long as they didn't pay too much attention to the details (what she was reading), or do anything that was so interesting that she started blurting questions. (eek )

    We needed the shock, in other words. We also needed to realize that we might have to color outside the lines, even as fortunate as our surroundings might be. That is, the enrichment opportunities were there, but the way we would use them would probably be unconventional. So it turned out to be.

    It wasn't that it was parenting advice. It wasn't. But that wasn't what I needed. I needed permission for reality to be what it is for my family.


    Lisa Rivero's Homeschooling book (originally with the more apt title that probably made it less appealing outside of the niche, thus the retitling in the second and subsequent editions)-- this was a very very basic roadmap of what homeschooling can look like with such children. I was terrified to homeschool.

    Like Val, I seem to prefer resources that don't tell me "this is how everyone should do this. Here's a procedure--" but instead offer a personal narrative of "this is what worked/didn't for us, and here are my thoughts about why/not."

    That kind of narrative respects the fact that when you are dealing with children (really, people) who are HG+, one is by definition working with certain extremes, and with outliers. Singularities.

    That said, I'm not sure that there can ever be any one true source of all parenting wisdom for raising such a child. They are singularities by virtue of asynchronous development, and few of them have an identical profile throughout that developmental arc. It's best to respect the limitations imposed by the child's own development, and to also respect the idiosyncratic needs that are imposed as a result, too.

    My DD learned to tie her own shoes and ride a bicycle after she'd seen two Shakespearean plays-- and believe me, she understood every word-- and decided that she most emphatically preferred the MoMA to, um-- Disneyland. Should we have parented her as though she were a "bright" 6yo?

    Easier said than done, believe me. Trying to follow someone else's road map with a child like this is like fighting a force of nature. Their innate development WILL NOT be thwarted, and woe to anyone who tries.

    smile








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    Originally Posted by Can2K
    Either I'm doing something very wrong, or there's something about the parent/child relationship that is preventing the teaching.
    I would have said the same a year ago. I have a VERY strong-willed child who hates to be told what's what. The difference, I think, is that she's not in school all day being Taught. In those circumstances, home is supposed to be their refuge.

    Now she's spends about an hour a day being taught by me, and the rest of her time is fairly free of adult judgement. I don't tell her she's doing her hot-glue-gun projects wrong or making bows and arrows wrong or writing her play script wrong. She has so much more breathing room now.

    We still duke it out sometimes during schoolwork, but the generalized outrage at me teaching her has faded.

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    And on the original topic: I really like hearing people's real stories. The books I've found most helpful have been the ones full of long paragraphs quoting real parents about what they've done and experienced. So I too find blogs and discussion groups much more useful than books of advice.

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