Gifted Issues Discussion homepage Forums Parenting and Advocacy Kids & money

Okay, in the pursuit of teaching lessons about responsibility and contribution, I am wondering if I am being cheap. As a bit of background, my kids do not get an allowance but they do earn money for doing chores. For the most part, I buy them what they need and some of what they want. However, they have to spend their own money for whimsical extras, such as craft items du jour and videogame downloads, above and beyond what they get for their birthdays and holidays. In the past, when they have won money from competitions, they have always kept all of it. Most recently, DS and DD both won merit scholarships that partially paid for music camp. When I told them to apply for the scholarships, I offered to give them 20% of the scholarship amount as inducement since there was quite a bit of writing (essays to support their selection over other applicants) required. The reason why I am not giving them all the scholarship money is because I still have to pay a substantial amount of money for the camp, which makes it a different situation from previous competition winnings. Anyhow, from DD's perspective, she would like to keep the full amount, which I kind of see as not unreasonable.

Again, she is also the child who tried to lobby for money for grades. Some of her classmates get insane amounts of money for A's, B's and even C's so DD has been somewhat indignant that she gets nothing for always earning straight A's. On that issue I told her tough luck - it's too bad their parents aren't hers. However, she always gets a small end of term present that isn't tied to grades.

What are your stands on these issues?

Portia, I love it!

Quantum, could you please remind us of your DC's ages?

Portia, I just made my husband read your post, and we may be using your model soon. That is really good!

Portia wins post of the day!

DD10 gets a fixed, weekly allowance. It is not tied to chores. In addition, we do pay-for-play in specific areas where we want to see her work harder, because we've found that it's an effective counterweight to self-sabotage... working harder to earn the money, she sees positive results, and though the money is no longer needed as an incentive, we continue the program until some logical stopping point. Previously, we've done this on soccer and school grades. I think the next generation will be household chores.

If DD10 wants something, she's free to pay for it from her own money. She has learned to save and manage her money very well for her age.

Unfortunately, DD10 has figured out the power of saving AND getting her parents to buy her the things she wants. It doesn't work so well on me, but DW is a pushover.

So this might or might not work so well with some of your budding litigators/negotiators, but we do something like this (inspired by my mother's parenting):

No allowances or birthday/Christmas money. All your necessities are paid for (this includes certain extras that your parents think are necessities, like learning an instrument). Want items or experiences need to be justified. Whining in checkout lines is not rewarded. Requesting in checkout lines (for example) triggers a series of questions:

1. Are you really going to use this?
2. For how long? Will you still be using/enjoying it a day from now? A week? A month? A year?
3. What future opportunity(ies) are you willing to sacrifice for the sake of obtaining this now? What cost in time, money, or other finite resource is this worth to you?
4. Will obtaining this create undue inequity among your siblings? If so, do you have a proposed solution (that must, of course, meet all the other criteria as well)?

If you can answer all of these questions to parents' consensus satisfaction, and it fits reasonably into the family budget, then yes.

Although I must add that I do throw in occasional unrequested small treats, because nearly everyone enjoys a little surprise. And, of course, perishable items don't usually need to be justified a year out.

We do a hybrid of aeh's method and that of the OP's; this probably works out to be roughly like the pragmatic endpoint on Dude's system-- and I suspect that we have similar children in this respect.

DD has a healthy sense of the value of a dollar, and she is a great saver of money.

Similar, and we add questions about where it will be kept, "... a place for every thing, and everything in its place."

I'm pretty impressed by all of these systems. We don't do allowances (I would, but none of us can remember). I pay for necessities and activities. If they want something "big" they have to earn it through extra chores--I pay for occasional treats. My kids aren't much into stuff (except electronics) and would not be incentivized by money for grades (don't think I'd do that anyhow).

My daughter will not spend a DIME of her own money without thinking it over for so long she forgets. My son will save his until he has enough for a video game.

I'm sure it would be really good for them to have some of this structure.

I do not and will never pay for grades.

The kids get a small allowance that is tied to household responsibilities. If they want extra money, they can do extra chores (a list and amounts is on the fridge). Only one child has ever done this with any vigor, to get an app I refused to buy (plenty of free apps in the sea, and this one was utterly w/o merit in my mind). Nobody in our families ever gifts money--I am not sure why this is, but it may just be cultural--so they never have very much money. Some of their peers have $100+ at home in their banks at a time; ours are lucky to have $20. I don't know whether to be perturbed by this or not. They aren't real "materialist" kids and that isn't something I want to nurture anyway, so for now, I'm letting it be. Families on both sides gift very nice "things" at holidays instead, such as beautiful colored pencils, hardcover book sets, etc. We spend quite a bit at Xmas and on birthdays, but do not tend to buy "just because." I guess it's the Puritan in me.

I do anticipate DD wanting to spend majorly on clothes--soon. She has a strong and definite fashion sense. So, that should get interesting. Shs also wants a Kindle right now, and it's not gifting season, so that's a discussion.