Gifted Issues Discussion homepage Forums General Discussion Horrific sibling rivalry

Sorry, I know I shouldn't laugh. This too shall pass!

schadenfreude

Just wanted to chime in on one small issue. My mother used to tell me all the time when I was a small child that my older sister was special and had big feelings. Her tantrums and meltdowns were unbelievable at the time. I had the same big feelings, but learned from watching how her behavior pretty much destroyed every one around her. I had my own meltdowns and tantrums alone in my room so as not to burden anyone else. My parents were so out of energy from dealing with my sister that they just didn't notice.

I categorize meltdowns as when the person's brain essentially isn't present and they just can't take anymore vs tantrums having an element of manipulation.

Her behavior always resulted in attention, positive or negative, but it also resulted in my parents choosing or avoiding situations that may have led to her having a tantrum. As a parent now, I fully understand, but as a child whose older sibling didn't want to do some of the things I liked, at the time I felt like I was being shorted. I felt at the time she was getting all of my parents energy and that life and activity choices revolved around her.

All of this is to say, be sure that the needs of your younger DS are being met. My sister and I played beautifully together, but the sibling flare ups in our family were real, even though no one paid much attention to them.

The flare ups are likely due to your daughter's age and desire to feel more grown up. Please don't discount any frustration your son might have, particularly if he has to present a false front with his friends all day.

Thank you for some very wise words, SAHM. Having an exhausting, very high-needs first child, my mantra from the time of second pregnancy was "this one will not be short-changed, this one will not be short-changed" - but of course, she is, all the time. It's my constant battle with myself, and it needs regular reminders like yours of why I must keep at it.

It's easy to get in trouble when the sibling mix goes the other way too. I constantly see friends succumb to denying new, age-appropriate privileges and independence to their older child, because they wish to avoid the battle with the high-needs younger child who can't have it yet.

"But Mommy, it's not FAIR! Sibling X gets to...."

The whole "being fair does not mean treating you the same" thing can be so hard to live up to in real life. It's complicated, it's messy hard work, and there's a lot of short term pain for (hoped for!) long-term gain. You can see why treating everyone exactly the same in the name of equality and fairness is so seductive to schools...

"Principal, it's not FAIR! Kid X gets to..."

Sigh. Yes, I know what you mean, certainly. He puts up with a lot. One reason we make sure DD goes to sleepaway camp every year is so he can have a week at home with us where the focus is 100% on him.

I have sometimes wondered if he really "is" this way (much easier to parent) or if he figured out he just has to be this way for practical reasons.

I sometimes wonder how it all will be when she goes away to college and we have 4 years alone with him. It's hard to imagine now.

I think here we as parents are all doing the best we can. As long as we are doing our best to care for our children, that's all we can do. We will always second guess ourselves, because we care and want to improve.

As long as you love your kids, they are not getting shortchanged. If you care enough to be on this forum looking for ways to improve their lives, chances are they are really really lucky to have you. (Even if it doesn't always feel that way...)

Wanted to update on this. I had time to sit them both down for a family meeting this weekend. It was eye opening and powerful. They both talked about what the other sib was doing that upset them and what they themselves might be doing that would aggravate the other. Apparently, DS is triggering DD by using a superior tone and attitude at certain times (I seriously hadn't noticed this, but he totally copped to it) and they both are annoying the heck out of each other by inserting themselves into parental discipline of the other (THIS I know about!) The issue of DD not wanting to play and DS feeling alone came up almost right away, with tears flowing on both sides. Wow...it was intense. I can say it was a profound moment for everyone. They have been able to play together for longer than many children with their age gap, which is lovely. But all of us except, I think, DS, knew this day was coming. They talked about it honestly and I think the reality is something DS is going to continue to have a hard time with, but amazingly the rest of the day was very harmonious. I think that is the core of all of this. Wow.

Sounds like a great start! Did you all talk about what you wanted to change, exactly, and how you might do that? Can your DS start having friends over more often or otherwise feel less lonely?

Yes, they both talked about some habits they need to change. Today was good, too! DS should have a lot more friends next year, or I hope so, anyway.

We do 20 minutes and they still struggle! It really does help, though.

I hope he finds his tribe soon.