Gifted Issues Discussion homepage Forums General Discussion Five year old giving away his possessions

My five year old son has started to give things to kids at school and I'm trying to figure out what is going on, if this is common, and if I should intervene. My son is in preschool and has some social skills issues. He started to attend a social skills class last year because he wasn't connecting with the kids in his class and has some problems initiating play with groups. He's doing much better now but he still doesn't have a best friend in his class. My son hasn't acted sad about it but he is very aware that he is different from his classmates and that nobody really gets him or is like him. He gets along with most of the boys in his class but he doesn't have a best friend. He does like two boys who are quiet, gentle and bright (he's also very gentle). Both of the boys are nice to him but have other best friends and don't really ask him for play dates or anything.

I recently learned that my son has been giving tools (his most beloved possession) to these two boys (the boys' parents emailed to make sure it was okay to keep the gifts). He has a lot of tools because he's an obsessive collector and people give them to him or he buys them with his allowance. He has mostly given away tools that he has duplicates of. I'm fine with the fact that he's giving things away but I'm a bit concerned about his motivation for doing so. Today I learned that he gave one of the boys a dollar so he could buy himself some candy. My son is always finding money on the ground and is aware of every penny in his bank so I was surprised that he would give away money after working so hard to gather/save it.

I've asked my son why he's giving things to these two boys and he said he wanted to make them happy and that it feels good to give things to people. He insists the kids didn't ask for anything but he was very happy at their excited reaction. The kids he is gifting the tools to are sweet and I really don't think they are asking him for things but I do worry that my son is trying to buy friendship. One of the boys brought some really cool magnets for my son today so he was thrilled to receive a gift in return but I've warned him that he shouldn't ask for gifts.

My son is very empathic and generous (even with his little brother) but I'm puzzled by this behavior. Is this common with kids this age? Should I worry about his motives? I'm scratching my head and hoping moms with older kids might help shed some light.

Sounds like it's time to invite these two quiet sweet guys over for a play date with your DD. Either separately or together. I don't know if boys are different than girls, but maybe they can all be BFFs.

My DD is also very giving like that. She's a very good friend to her friends (thoughtful, kind, generous) and is sometimes disappointed. She's developed an awareness of the repercussions of this behavior (sometimes loans aren't repaid, sometimes she doesn't get the kind of friendship back that she expects).

dd5 is always giving stuff away - and getting stuff in return. I think it's a stage they go through, "I l;ike you so I want you to have something that I think you'll like"

I'd just let him carry on but keep an eye on it all the same.

There is a kid in my younger son's class who does this. The other kids have been told to not take it and tell the teacher. They are not allowed to take toys to school so it is usually things like novelty rubbers (erasers where you are). I would invite the kids over and stop him taking stuff to school.

I don't think this is all that uncommon at his age - our kids' elementary school didn't allow the students to bring toys/etc to school because of issues with kids giving away things at recess that the parents didn't want given away

I'd also add - friendships among boys at that age are really pretty laid-back (at least among the boys I've known), and playdates usually happened more as a matter of either convenience among parents or happened because parents made sure they happened. Since it sounds like your ds has friends that he likes, I'd start asking a few of the boys over for playdates

Best wishes,

polarbear