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Joined: Apr 2010
Posts: 2,498
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Joined: Apr 2010
Posts: 2,498 |
I hope. He REALLY wants to stay there and I think there has been a constellation of issues that have made the whole year difficult--family, insurance changes, doctors, meds, school--just all of it. I don't think it's the curriculum that's the problem--I think he's failed to assimilate.
Last night I noticed a bunch of his band friends interacting with him and it seemed like they really like him. He was always pretty popular with elementary kids, and he's told me all year his friends like him--I just wasn't sure he was right. That helped, somewhat.
Reading that OT report made me feel like I am in a parallel universe. All the adults in my child's real life think he is adorable. To me, that says "stay and try to fix"-- at least for now. You are at the beginning-- the neuropsych will help considerably, I bet. The agonizing slowness with which these problems are solved used to make me batty. I would recommend forcing yourself to check on it every day ("is there anything I should or need to do to move the school situation forward today?") and if there is not-- walk away from it for the day and think about other things. You can make yourself more bonkers than even the bad teacher can. And you need to be the sane one. As you are. He sounds like a darling kid to me. You and he will figure it out together. DeeDee
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Joined: Sep 2011
Posts: 3,363
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Joined: Sep 2011
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Seriously, at what point do you just cut bait? My friend (who has 2e daughter) talked to our other friend (who is SPED process coordinator who thinks I should just get him out of that school. I agree with DeeDee's post above, and would stay where you are now as I think there is more work you can do there. At the same time, I'd definitely investigate wha your other school options are. The one caveat that I'd add though - is - what knowledge does your SPED coordinator friend have that we don't? Does she know something that would give her reason to believe the school just isn't going to budge or isn't a good fit or isn't going to work with you further? She said the most important thing is that the teachers haven't meshed with him and it's too stressful for him to be there. Is it all the teachers or just the one? Will he have the same teachers next year? The principal did indicate he'd work with you on the fit next year, I think (?). FWIW, we didn't cut bait in early elementary but did cut bait for middle school. The brief summary of our ds' 2e journey: Great K/1 experience, teacher differentiated, was 1st-e enough that he was able to compensate and fly under the radar and no one (teaher or parents) had a clue he had a disability. There were some signs that in hindsight pointed straight to it, but we didn't see it. 2nd grade was a nightmare with a teacher who seemed to dislike ds immensely, always in trouble in class for not producing work, teacher convinced he had ADHD, ds meanwhile became so anxious he had panic attacks at home. We finally sought a private eval due to the school issues being so overwhelming, he was diagnosed and the neuropsych gave us recommendations for accommodations/remediation/path forward etc. The neuropsych also recommended that we remove him from his classroom and school immediately due to the situation with his teacher. We loved his then-school (for other reasons) and didn't listen to the neuropsych's recommendation because it meant going private and I had some long-held reservations about private school. DS also had one really good friend, and since he had a tough time making friends, I didn't want to take him away from that friend. DS also didn't want to switch schools. We did switch him to a different teacher and that helped - but I still had to spend night and day advocating for ds, explaining his disability, fighting to get an IEP, staying ever-vigilant and advocating 24/7 to be sure his teachers actually followed the accommodations on the IEP... and at the end of the day, by the time he was in 5th grade ds was beyond frustrated. He was mature enough by then to be very award that he was different from the other kids and he was also aware that he had an IEP and was supposed to be receiving help for his challenge and the school wasn't helping him. So at the end of 5th, ds told us he was done and not going back. We went back to square one, looked into our options, and ultimately sent him to the school the neuropsych had originally recommended and not only was ds sooooo so much happier - my life was so much simpler when I didn't have to fight for ds all the time! I finally had time and energy to put into some of the normal things parents of nt kids put their time and energy into, and it made a world of difference for our entire family. Sooo... the answer to "when do you cut bait" is different for everyone, but I think the key is not to look at it as a cut bait situation, but a situation where you have to weigh - where and how do I want to be spending my time and energy, and where will my child be more likely to be happy and successful in a learning environment? Best wishes, polarbear
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Joined: Apr 2013
Posts: 5,245 Likes: 1
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Joined: Apr 2013
Posts: 5,245 Likes: 1 |
Seriously, at what point do you just cut bait? In general, when you find a better option. If/when you do leave a school it is often beneficial, to whatever degree possible, to leave on a positive note, going on record as thanking the school team for their efforts (possibly especially listing any successes). It is a small world; You and/or your son could easily cross paths with individuals from this school again. Along those lines, also be mindful that posts on the forum may be read by other teachers/administrators.
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Joined: May 2013
Posts: 2,157
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It's hard to know when to take a kid out of a school and try something else, because there are no crystal balls. So much depends on the teacher and if you are lucky enough to get a good one. I am not shy anymore about telling principals that my child has X issues and needs Y in a teacher. But sometimes none of the teachers in a particular grade are going to be a good fit (or the principal has an inaccurate view of the teacher, thinking they are better than they really are). Of course, by middle school the child usually has more than one teacher and there is a higher probability of encountering at least one incompetent fool. Then the administration makes a big difference, and how much they understand your child and the issue, and want to help.
I think that once you notice a child spiraling downhill, it's time to seriously consider other options. For instance, the child is showing anxiety, thinks negatively about themselves, is starting to hate certain subjects or think they are bad at those subjects, etc. If advocacy efforts don't work, then that leaves little choice. I have been criticized for school switching, but the criticisms come from people with perfectly ordinary children who have no concept of what we, or our kids, face. I think it's almost always better to switch (or homeschool) than to keep a child in an environment that's toxic. Keep in mind that he may claim to be happy (because switching schools is scary and going to the unknown), but you need to look beyond that at his actual behaviors and what's underneath. If there are no better options, then you are left with no choice but to advocate the best that you can.
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Joined: Apr 2013
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I think that once you notice a child spiraling downhill... it's almost always better to switch (or homeschool) than to keep a child in an environment that's toxic. Agreed. I'll re-affirm this and advice from other posters, that you may wish to begin researching what other options are available, as this information will aid in your decision-making. The Davidson Database has articles on education options and school selection, to help guide parents through this process.
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Joined: Apr 2015
Posts: 647
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Joined: Apr 2015
Posts: 647 |
Okay. So much good advice. Here's what I've decided to do (I think).
Contact 504 Coordinator, tell her my concerns about existing plan and its implementation.
Wait for neuropsych results.
Stay on top of DS and schoolwork. The teachers don't have to like him.
Continue with very explicit communication with DS re: behaviors he needs to exhibit.
Continue with counseling for anxiety/depression.
Finish school, detox over summer.
It's such a complex situation. My daughter enters the program in the fall. She is a totally different child--driven, organized-- and should not encounter the same issues.
There are a few other options for DS, school-wise. A big issue is that the other "choice programs" do not offer transportation so the logistics would be a nightmare. My thinking is that this is not really a school-specific issue but a transition to middle school issue and he would probably have the same experience anywhere.
I think I may hire a college student from the education department to act as after-school manager, next year. Can you imagine my advertisement? "Need help with organization, must not be threatened by stubborn child who talks like a professor and behaves like a preschooler."
Ugh.
Last edited by eco21268; 04/29/15 01:33 AM.
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Joined: Apr 2015
Posts: 647
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Joined: Apr 2015
Posts: 647 |
I think that once you notice a child spiraling downhill, it's time to seriously consider other options. For instance, the child is showing anxiety, thinks negatively about themselves, is starting to hate certain subjects or think they are bad at those subjects, etc. If advocacy efforts don't work, then that leaves little choice. I have been criticized for school switching, but the criticisms come from people with perfectly ordinary children who have no concept of what we, or our kids, face. I think it's almost always better to switch (or homeschool) than to keep a child in an environment that's toxic. Keep in mind that he may claim to be happy (because switching schools is scary and going to the unknown), but you need to look beyond that at his actual behaviors and what's underneath. If there are no better options, then you are left with no choice but to advocate the best that you can. The only silver lining in all of this is that, for the most part, my son's self-concept is intact. He is showing signs of stress but there is something about his personality (probably related to his special brand of 2E) that insulates him from internalizing things--at least to a degree. I'm grateful for that--even though I have a feeling it is disability related.
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Joined: Dec 2010
Posts: 658
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I think you've got a solid plan. I would add to the list "reaffirm to my child that I'm working to improve the situation for next year." Even if these things appear to roll off his back, he does need to learn that there are adults he can trust and who are thinking about his needs.
I've posted ads nearly word for word to yours for such college students. I've gotten some really excellent students this way. Kind, nerves of steel, creative, and flexible.
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Joined: Apr 2010
Posts: 2,498
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Posts: 2,498 |
The only silver lining in all of this is that, for the most part, my son's self-concept is intact. He is showing signs of stress but there is something about his personality (probably related to his special brand of 2E) that insulates him from internalizing things--at least to a degree. I'm grateful for that--even though I have a feeling it is disability related. Our DS12 is like that too. We take our blessings mixed. But I think this little bit of insulation is a good thing in middle school, on the whole. I agree with what Geo said. And I love our afterschool college help. They do amazing stuff (teach kids to roller skate; stay calm when I might not; take kid to gym and learn etiquette of working out and locker room)...
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Joined: Apr 2015
Posts: 647
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Joined: Apr 2015
Posts: 647 |
I think you've got a solid plan. I would add to the list "reaffirm to my child that I'm working to improve the situation for next year." Even if these things appear to roll off his back, he does need to learn that there are adults he can trust and who are thinking about his needs.
I've posted ads nearly word for word to yours for such college students. I've gotten some really excellent students this way. Kind, nerves of steel, creative, and flexible. Just lately, I've been acutely aware of reminding DS I've got his back, I love him, and I will take care of him no matter what happens with school. This may sound just a bit overwrought, but this situation has been traumatic for ME. I'm not sure about him. I think it's partly because I've been down this road once before with my older son--different circumstances but finding myself needing to seek help immediately and feeling like his entire future is at stake. I wonder how many parents of special needs kids actually have PTSD? I have used our university's employment services several times in the past and found outstanding sitters. This year--the plan was for DS to go home alone (because it is only an hour before I'm there), but we changed that at semester when it was clear he was checked out, academically. So now he goes to Grandma's and she supervises homework. Unfortunately, Grandma really has no patience for the issues (they *are* difficult--he can sit and stare at something for 30 minutes before initiating). I think someone with a little more energy would be helpful. Our DS12 is like that too. We take our blessings mixed. But I think this little bit of insulation is a good thing in middle school, on the whole. I will take any blessing I can get right now!  Ironically, the whole idea behind this program is to insulate these highly gifted children from social stressors by placing them in a safe environment so they can be intellectually nurtured with their peers. The more I read about autism and NLD, etc., the more I think that's what I'm going to hear next week. On the one hand, that is scary and a huge paradigm shift. On the other, it will give me a better working model than the current ADHD dx which only fits to a certain point. Serenity prayer time.
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