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    Originally Posted by syoblrig
    I've read over all the excellent suggestions here. But I'm wondering if you've discussed his behavior with his doctor? It seems well out of the norm for a 10-year-old and I'm wondering if there could be a medical reason?


    Well, we will try to discuss with his doctor, if he is available and willing to speak with us (both conditions being hard to obtain simultaneously) ... Moreover, I am always afraid of the French way of psychology thoughts (Freud, the link with the mother, Oedipus complex and other craps)... We'll see.

    regarding the behavior, he is out-of-the-norm since he is born ... He is a teenager in rebellion since he is 6 eek. May be he'll behave like an adult next year grin


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    Originally Posted by raoulpetite
    Originally Posted by syoblrig
    I've read over all the excellent suggestions here. But I'm wondering if you've discussed his behavior with his doctor? It seems well out of the norm for a 10-year-old and I'm wondering if there could be a medical reason?


    Well, we will try to discuss with his doctor, if he is available and willing to speak with us (both conditions being hard to obtain simultaneously) ... Moreover, I am always afraid of the French way of psychology thoughts (Freud, the link with the mother, Oedipus complex and other craps)... We'll see.

    regarding the behavior, he is out-of-the-norm since he is born ... He is a teenager in rebellion since he is 6 eek. May be he'll behave like an adult next year grin
    I think syo means a non-psychiatric medical reason.


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    Originally Posted by raoulpetite
    Well once again, a lot of very interesting thoughts on that forum ...
    First, quite a long time ago, grinity on that forum told me about "the transforming the difficult child workbook" which I bought and tried to follow but at that time we were so much in despair ragarding his school abilities that I focused in trying to solve them ... This is now partly done.
    So, I grabbed back this book from its shelve and start reading it again. It more or less decribe what many of you propose me. First, reading that book makes me feel like a "bad" father but I stepped over this. I will try to follow the advice from this book and see.

    But, why did he turn us that nuts, why is he so negative ? It is an enigma to me.
    By the way, I told DW to be also positive with him to encourage him. She refused ... I do not blame her. It so hard. Sometimes (like this morning) I just want to quit all this.

    Cammon you are right: the more we are upset, the more he is defiant doing exactly the things to get the more nuts as possible. Often, he said that he will not do anything for a yelling dumb (I guess he talks about myself then :))

    Hello my Dear Friends,
    Good for you Raoulpetite, for stepping over your bad feelings and being willing to try something new! Very Brave and Courageous.

    As for 'why does he do it?' - it is because he gets emotional connection with you in a intense enough way when he 'drives you crazy.' He needs this emotional connection the way he needs air and food and water, because the world is a very scary place to a child who is gifted and sees more of the world then he is emotionally ready to handle.

    So please keep trying. Recognize yourself for the greatness of trying something new and uncomfortable. We gifted people are famous for only liking to do what we do well, so give yourself extra points for doing something you are a beginner at. Also use your words of praise on your wife for all the many, many efforts she makes for your family.

    A little hint about compliments. In the beginging, it maybe too much for you, your wife and your son to say 'That's great.' In the beginning I recommend to just narrate what you see. Them knowing that you have their attention will fill their souls with warmth.

    Try during a time that things are not so very bad.
    If my child says, 'I hate you.' I say - I love that you feel safe enough with me to tell my your thoughts.
    If my wife or husband says, 'This can't possibly work' I say - I know, it seems impossible, and it maybe is a big waste of time, but I can tell that you are watching what I am doing, and I thank you for noticing me even when you don't agree. It shows how much you love me.

    Seriously, who is going to walk away from that?

    Here's a little secrete, after a while of giving compliments, or even noticings, your son will be starting to believe that he can get your attention without going to such a bother. Then you will put in the 'Very Boring - No' part. Remember to say 'No' at the first sign of misbehavior, because it's a lot easier to not get super-angry if he is only doing a small wrong thing. Then turn around and do the noticing. During the 'Yesterday morning' story, he DID actually stop being loud for a few minutes, so during those few moments, give him a ton of attention, one to one. It's very very difficult to do, but do it as if your life depended on it. It's worth it.

    Love and More Love,
    Grinity


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    I just wanted to say that it does get better. My son had frequent metldowns when he was 9, then it started to get better.
    Once he is improving, the relatiosnhip with his dad and me started to change for better as well. Hang in there.

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    Originally Posted by raoulpetite
    The other day, he thought he broke his sister's keyboard ... He entered then in a despaired behavior crying, yelling he is mentally insane. All he wanted was sleeping, to forget what he did. I was the first to try to see what happened. He refused to tell me what happened, I just cannot help him from crying, yelling. I tried to take him in my arms just to let him go down. It did not work. He wanted his mother... He just calmed down when after talking with his mother who finally know what happened, she told me what happened and I told her that nothing was indeed broken (although he could think it was).


    Originally Posted by raoulpetite
    Anotherday, I insisted on having an answer. I asked him what is the point, I told him that he gets everyone sad, that he's also doing harm to himself and it is not a constructive attitude. He got to the point to cry and scream several times that he is a big bastard ("con" in French). He seems then unstoppable. I just took him in my arms to confort him. I just wanted him to understand not make him cry ...


    I'm just really struck by the signs of remorse he shows. In my experience, kids who chose to have tantrums to manipulate others do not show remorse for them. (My parents fostered a teenager with psychopathic tendencies - he often had calculated tantrums which stopped instantly if my parents did what he wanted, and he never acted remorseful about them.) In contrast, kids who really can't control themselves sometimes try to pretend they don't feel remorse, but deep down their guilt over their behaviour is harming their self-esteem, so many of these kids will turn around and say horrible things about themselves.

    So I think his guilt and insulting himself over his misbehaviour is a pretty clear sign that he isn't choosing to do this - or at least not 'freely choosing'. (Sometimes a meltdown is the best choice available to a child with poor coping skills.)

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    What medication is he on? The reason I ask is because we were having very strange behavior from DD9 with ADHD after her medication wore off. She was going through rebound and became "manic", emotional, and some of the ADHD behaviors escalated and were worse than if she hadn't been medicated at all. In the past when we have tried to stop the medication she goes into this truly scary state and we think "obviously she has to be medicated if that's how bad she is without the medication", but she was in that truly scary state because of rebound. When we finally took her off for good, she was impaired for over a week and then finally settled down. If you think it could be that-- that the behaviors escalate when the meds wear off, I would talk to the prescribing doc. See if there might be a better medication or a way to add onto it to get more coverage.

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