Gifted Issues Discussion homepage Forums Parenting and Advocacy How to deal with frustration ?

Hello ! it has been couple years since my last post here .Back then i was contemplating about pulling him out from public school or not. Public school didn't do much to our son despite the requests we tried . Many stressful days .

Since i pulled my son out from there couple years ago ,it's been better . I'd say occasionally not so good days but mostly are decent good days , not as stressful as public school .

So what brought me here ? I need some help , i need some opinions . And maybe reading from your experiences how to deal with anger and frustration .

My son is 10 years old , just turned 10 couple of months ago . Lately it seems like he gets frustrated easily ( he gets frustrated anyway if he doesn't get it right quick ) , but it happens more and more now . Simple simple thing will get him fiery and gets mad . For example , he's having a hard time memorizing this Indian emperor during history lesson yesterday and he threw a fit and gets so mad over it .
Another example , when i said something wrong , he would criticize me like crazy , not in a nice way either , a lot of time it's with attitude . The tone sets the meaning ! He is a grammar police in the house .

Or during math , he's working 2 almost 3 level ahead his age , and i understand it is not getting any easier , but the tears is almost in daily basis , if he doesn't get it right , or if he can't understand it , he gets so mad , so frustrated to the point he started crying . Crying over math !! Then he would scream and cry and throw a fist in the air it's like he really hates it that doesn't get it right .

I admit , he is a perfectionist , for example , drawing anatomy of a heart , including all the names , and he made a tiny mistake , if it were me , i just cross it and write the correct name . But instead he got mad about it because it will be so messy and lots of cross marks , etc . Almost cried about it as well . He crumpled it up but opened it back up and with heavy heart accepted it that he could just cross it and put the correct name , after all it was just 1 mistake .

Sometimes i have to keep reminding myself that , maybe this is normal ? Because i am not gifted , i was not gifted child , if i made a mistake well then i'll cross it and put the correct name . If i can't understand math , or made a mistake , well then i'd have them explaining to me again until it get it . I didn't find the need to cry and mad just because i didn't get it right away .

How do you deal with this day to day anger , the subjects he's learning isn't any easier , it's getting harder and harder . I know i was very goal oriented since i wanted things to finish certain way , under certain time , etc . But i am trying to slow things down now , i am trying to be more flexible , we even take breaks after 2 days of school .

Or .. is it because the hormones ?? I really have no clue , he's my only one and some friends said it's the hormones . It's very up and down , but i know what frustrates him the most usually is about school subjects .

Sorry it's long , any opinions is appreciated ! Thank you !

May I recommend the horribly titled:

"The Manipulative Child: How to Regain Control and Raise Resilient, Resourceful, and Independent Kids"
by Ernest W. Swihart Jr.

Note, 'manipulative' here isn't used in the 'conscious/deliberate bad behavior' way, but in the psychological 'attempting to change your environment in order to avoid something or obtain something.'

It's been recommended on this list before, and while it's not specifically about gifted children, their propensity for perfectionism and fear of failure makes it especially relevant. It also made us feel like we'd definitely made some wrong turns with our own DD.

DS is only 7, but we have a lot of this sort of frustration/rage. As best I can figure, it comes from a failure of the work product to conform to the kid's visualization of what he was creating - whether it's a physical product or a perfect answer.

I just try to point out over and over that it's OK, and even good. If you aren't making mistakes, you aren't learning. Sometimes he can hear me, but usually not until the flash point fades. I have no idea if it's helping - but he does parrot this back at me when I get frustrated by a mistake that I make!

If the trigger is generally academic challenge, it is possible that your son may enjoy learning from other resources, or another approach.

HALT is an acronym for common triggers for negative behavior or tantrums: Hungry, Angry, Lonely, Tired. Other threads have mentioned the effects of diet on moods.

If your son states things in a hurtful way, possibly the resources regarding Perspective Taking, Theory of Mind, Social Thinking would help him to be cognizant of the feelings of others.

You may have read this elsewhere on the forums...

Perfectionistic tendencies may be a sign of developing a fixed mindset rather than a growth mindset. One aspect or application is that gifted kids may stop taking appropriate risks in order to always be "right" or always be "smart" or never be "wrong", and this may work against them. The concept is nicely summarized in these youtube videos:
Ashley Merryman & Po Bronson: The Myth of Praise (link- )
Teaching a Growth Mindset (link- )

Parents may wish to read the book Mindset by Carol Dweck for tips on promoting a growth mindset.

A book which seems to understand perfectionism very well and which many find supportive is What To Do When Good Enough Isn't Good Enough. Another book you might like is Perfectionism: What's Bad About Being Too Good. While insightful, these are written gently for kids, in a style that is fun and engaging. With any of these books it may be wise for a parent to pre-read and decide if it seems to be a helpful tool to use in guiding their child.

Procrastination can be closely related to perfectionism.

A child considering "worst case scenario" and finding various work-arounds to keep moving forward may in some cases help reduce anxiety and add an element of self-confidence, even a sense of looking forward to taking on the challenge.

Two more books which come to mind:
- The Explosive Child
- Living with Intensity

I think it is the intensity trait of the gifted or highly gifted person. It does sound normal and familiar to me. Also, there is a topic in the subject of giftedness about asynchronous development. Reading all about that topic is very helpful. It is so great that you really want to listen to and understand your child. That kind of unconditional love is comforting. I was just reading about how a young Bill Gates, Jr. had a grandmother who would be around for him for company when he would take a break from his voracious reading. I want to keep my response short in accordance with guidelines, but what you have noticed is right on point with the list of gifted characteristics, which I think you can find at the Hoagies website.

I saw this and I could have written it, it reminds me so much of my son, he's almost 7, and I homeschool him also.

Just about every single time he has trouble (or even has imagined trouble) with something new, usually math or piano, I can guarantee a temper tantrum.

When he throws a mega temper tantrum, I send him to time out, end of story. He didn't go on his own at first, but he now knows what is coming when his anger escalates. 6 minutes, and then it's like some crazy magic his mood improves, and he does what he's told to do.

Some other things I noticed that help...

If I sit with him while working through the problems, even if I really don't say anything, he seems to be a lot calmer and happier when I'm just there, listening to him.

We have a regular schedule everyday, he knows what he needs to do everyday, by the end of the day. Otherwise he loses time on the weekend, to catch up with what he missed during the week... and he loves his no homework days so he strives to get it done.

He is so, so, so much worse if I throw him off schedule and go on vacation or randomly decide to take days off. Maybe he thinks life should be carefree like that all the time. Because he flips out after breaks, we don't take much time off. I give him easy days, so I can have a bit of a break, but it's much easier for both of us if he does school on designated school days.

I try to be an example to him, remind him that no one is perfect, not even me.

I also instead of congratulating him on how smart he is (which is hard because he is soooo smart), smart is not necessarily a trait that is going to get him places in life, so I try to congratulate him for working hard and go overboard with extra compliments when he takes initiative to go ahead and figure it out on his own.

Hope this helps