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    shifrbv Offline OP
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    As a follow-up had the meeting with DD's teacher. She and another senior teacher were there. The senior teacher took the lead on the meeting (which I found unusual) and talked with us about DD's MAP results.

    We talked about DD not really receiving any help. Her teacher refused to take ownership of it not really talking about enrichment.

    Anyway, DD's teacher did nothing as a result of the meeting. She sent an e-mail stating she would keep us updated. Nothing happened. The senior teacher set up some online accounts for math problem-solving but they aren't really useful because they are not at the level we need and using one of the worst sites I've ever seen. But it wasn't even her job. Plus it's more after school and they left it at that.

    Because she agreed to set up some online accounts, DH decided he likes the senior teacher and asked for her to be DD's teacher next year to which she agreed.

    I am not happy at all with this school and would like to seek alternatives as this school doesn't allow for some of the options mentioned in this thread. DH believes it's important to stick with this school and see it through. He believes having a record is more important than the actual education DD will receive. He has stated that I can afterschool them which I am extremely resentful of.

    It is tearing our marriage apart and causing alot of stress. There are frequent arguments and DH has taken to attacking me and telling me that I am the cause of all the problems. I should just let the "professionals" do their jobs and stop criticizing because I'm not a licensed teacher and have no experience.

    I asked him what happens when the scores come in lower than the program acceptance score? Won't it look bizarre to come out of a "high ability" program with a much lower score than when you started? He doesn't care because he believes the senior teacher will be our salvation.

    The MAP test starts the Monday after the kids return from Spring Break. DH has proposed I spend the entire time teaching DD and her younger sister so they can pass. Of course, he's not helping out. He's got other things to do.

    Before someone asks, now that DH made it look like he's extremely pleased with the fact that the senior teacher "helped us", it's difficult to involve the principal without offending her. I feel we're in a really bad spot and it's difficult to go up the ladder because DH wants to be with this senior teacher next year. He doesn't want to get off on the wrong foot.








    Last edited by shifrbv; 03/03/15 08:30 AM.
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    Bummer - just as a personal note, your dc will cope ( if not thrive ) in a poor educational fit. Fix your marriage...

    Edited to say - sorry please don't be offended by my blunt advice I'm not in your family so I don't know - I just think our kids need love and stability as a basic, everything else is a bonus

    Last edited by Mahagogo5; 03/03/15 11:46 PM.
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    ndw Offline
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    I read your post shifrbv and really felt for you. It is a very stressful situation and it seems to be spiraling. I am trying to think what I would do if I were in your position. Mahagogo5 is right in that your stress and the strain on the marriage are very important to address for everyone's sake, and I am sure you know that, but what do you do.

    It is very common, in my experience, that one parent can be more involved and therefore informed about a situation involving the children, be it advocating for Giftedness or disability or supporting sport or music. It just happens for so many reasons. It can be that the other parent, without the same appreciation for all the nuances in a situation looks for a quick fix not really understanding what that means. It doesn't necessarily mean they don't care as much but they just don't get everything.

    Can you accept for the moment that you are the one with the greater knowledge of your DD's educational situation at this point? If so then take a deep breath and think about what you really want or need to achieve in the next couple of months.

    The MAP test sounds like a key priority. If we focus on that, it already sounds like you have the beginnings of a plan. The extra work with Khan Academy and IXL will work and can't hurt. Hopefully your DD will be increasingly independent over time with working on the computer programs and maybe needs less help? If she does need lots of input from you then just set a limit on how much time you can reasonably afford to work on "after school" type activities. Remember any little bit helps so if you can do 15 mins without feeling like it's onerous. No it's not "fair" that it falls to you but it's not about fair really, it's about a need that you are able to fulfill right now and maybe DH isn't. Try not to let resentment, but I get why you feel that way, stop you from keeping your eyes on the goal which is helping DD.

    To avoid further strain at home could you accept that the school is what it is for a few months? Is that going to derail anything major? If it isn't then let that lie while focussing on the MAP. It doesn't stop you quietly exploring alternative options. DH may not be ready to discuss them or consider them right now but maybe in a while depending upon what happens with the current school. Perhaps if the senior teacher doesn't prove to be the "answer" he was hoping for.

    When we are in the midst of stressful and emotionally charged situation everything can be so overwhelming. I am thinking of you and hoping you can find a way to manage. If anything I have said is not helpful then please ignore.

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    Originally Posted by ndw
    I read your post shifrbv and really felt for you. It is a very stressful situation and it seems to be spiraling. I am trying to think what I would do if I were in your position. Mahagogo5 is right in that your stress and the strain on the marriage are very important to address for everyone's sake, and I am sure you know that, but what do you do.

    It is very common, in my experience, that one parent can be more involved and therefore informed about a situation involving the children, be it advocating for Giftedness or disability or supporting sport or music. It just happens for so many reasons. It can be that the other parent, without the same appreciation for all the nuances in a situation looks for a quick fix not really understanding what that means. It doesn't necessarily mean they don't care as much but they just don't get everything.

    Can you accept for the moment that you are the one with the greater knowledge of your DD's educational situation at this point? If so then take a deep breath and think about what you really want or need to achieve in the next couple of months.

    The MAP test sounds like a key priority. If we focus on that, it already sounds like you have the beginnings of a plan. The extra work with Khan Academy and IXL will work and can't hurt. Hopefully your DD will be increasingly independent over time with working on the computer programs and maybe needs less help? If she does need lots of input from you then just set a limit on how much time you can reasonably afford to work on "after school" type activities. Remember any little bit helps so if you can do 15 mins without feeling like it's onerous. No it's not "fair" that it falls to you but it's not about fair really, it's about a need that you are able to fulfill right now and maybe DH isn't. Try not to let resentment, but I get why you feel that way, stop you from keeping your eyes on the goal which is helping DD.

    To avoid further strain at home could you accept that the school is what it is for a few months? Is that going to derail anything major? If it isn't then let that lie while focussing on the MAP. It doesn't stop you quietly exploring alternative options. DH may not be ready to discuss them or consider them right now but maybe in a while depending upon what happens with the current school. Perhaps if the senior teacher doesn't prove to be the "answer" he was hoping for.

    When we are in the midst of stressful and emotionally charged situation everything can be so overwhelming. I am thinking of you and hoping you can find a way to manage. If anything I have said is not helpful then please ignore.

    Thankyou for saying this far more thoughtfully than I did

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    ndw Offline
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    Its the same sentiment, Mahagogo5, I knew what you were saying. I am just hoping shifrbv can feel all our care. It can be such a lonely place. I know many of us have been there. My mantra lately has been "keep eyes on the prize" and the prize for my family is health and happiness where possible. Stress can really make it hard to find the goal let alone the way forward.

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    I know it is really hard when intellectually gifted students are young to watch how the school cannot meet their needs. Hopefully, you can call your GIEP team together and add what your student needs, sooner rather than later. There are so many people on staff in one school and throughout a district and even a county, that there may be someone other than that one teacher who could or even would love to work with your student. Perhaps even someone studying teaching and / or giftedness in your area might be available.

    As far as the difference of opinion between spouses, the good news is you are not alone and here is my opinion of why. Very smart people like to partner with very smart people. They have very smart children. Of course you are both going to have strong opinions and those opinions might clash. Both parents care so much about the child and the child's education, combined with gifted persons' predisposition to being intense (in a good way), then you can really feel temporarily at a checkmate.

    I would talk to everyone involved in the process from superintendent to teacher's aid and find the solution. You will feel better knowing you did everything you could.

    Here's one point I contemplate. Society benefits when gifted people 'do their thing' in their chosen professions, but when we bring that same passion to advocacy for our child, they just don't see it necessarily in a positive light.

    I can tell from the response posts that everyone feels your pain and hopes that you hang in there and know that you are not alone. It helps me to remember how great it felt to break out from the pack and be free with electives and choices. That time will come. It's just that still today the overall education perspective is to hold these kids back until they are older. You are not alone.

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    Originally Posted by ndw
    Its the same sentiment, Mahagogo5, I knew what you were saying. I am just hoping shifrbv can feel all our care. It can be such a lonely place. I know many of us have been there. My mantra lately has been "keep eyes on the prize" and the prize for my family is health and happiness where possible. Stress can really make it hard to find the goal let alone the way forward.


    I love this entire post.

    smile

    "The Prize" is not being in the "right" high school, having perfect transcripts, or going to Very Elite University.

    SO wise.

    My DD also suffered for many years with completely AWOL math instruction-- and she loves math, and she's VERY good at it. However, the consequences of having been ignored and left to fumble her own way through it (even with the mitigation that we've been able to throw at this problem) has resulted in her feeling completely out of her league among her highly groomed collegiate peers, mostly engineering students who are machines with accuracy (and a lot of whom are running at material for a second or even third time, tyvm) whereas she is, well-- she understands things from the concept OUT, and knows the mathematics far better than they even as she is learning it for the first time, but doesn't always earn the marks that they do. This is an unbelievable stressor for her because being "100% girl" is so much part of her identity.

    The system as it is rewards perfect compliance with high-but-not-TOO-high expectations, and punishes truly intrinsic motivation at most turns.

    Deviate from that path and you're in the rough in no time at all.

    frown

    Yes-- eyes on the REAL prize. Please.


    Schrödinger's cat walks into a bar. And doesn't.
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    ndw Offline
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    Thank you HK. I can assure you I am chanting with gusto of late!

    My DD is also good at and loves maths. Her teacher is not far enough ahead of her to teach in a way that is very helpful to DD. She needs someone who can answer ALL the questions and the teacher is often struggling. We are so very very fortunate to have found a math tutor who is able to answer the questions, totally gets DD and is able to keep her engaged and interested. He is also a whiz at better techniques and shortcuts that help DD as she is slow in exams. She goes to tutoring because it is fun not because she needs remediation (I guess that makes me a real nerd she said). I don't care about perfect results and neither does DD but it is harder to learn if you are feeling as though you are running to keep up with the pack. Takes some of the fun out of the process.

    Is there anyone around like that tutor for your DD? Maybe someone who can get her ahead of the curve and remove the stress and let her get back to learning for fun, not necessarily to improve her grades.....just so she can feel its enjoyable.

    We just spent an entire parent teacher night explaining to teachers that as much as our DD is good in school and doing well we all need to work to ensure she enjoys school. At the moment her physical issues have been significant and she is tired, not a function of her grade skip which is great, but a function of a growth spurt on top of a connective tissue disorder causing all her joints to be subluxing and dislocating. We are putting bedtime above study time right now. I was gratified that most of her teachers understood that. One was horrified that he had given her extra extension homework but I was at pains to point out that enjoyed the extension material (and unbeknownst to any of us, had already done it) but it will be prioritised behind a good night's sleep. I don't want her to be coddled, just understood.

    The prize for all of us is a life we can enjoy.....I will keep chanting.

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    Yes, our DD has forged a really great working bond with a friend she met in her math classes this year, and also with a tutor that she has really connected with. He is a super math-buddy!

    Thankfully, after having paid attention to y'all here for so many years (BIG shout-out here to Colinsmum!!) we knew to look for someone who was comfortable with the conceptual and theoretical underpinnings of everything through 400 level undergraduate math coursework, because of the kinds of questions that DD tends to ask in her quest for understanding. It's been lovely, and DD wants to keep working with him even after the term ends.

    She's really rediscovered her love of math.

    I was surprised because usually she doesn't like to write much either (suspect that our DD's have a lot in common there, ndw) but she is passionate about working math with others. It just 'clicks' now that she's breached that barrier of not feeling confident in her ability to master something that she hadn't encountered before.

    smile

    Yup-- eyes on the (real) prize.


    Schrödinger's cat walks into a bar. And doesn't.
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    ndw Offline
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    It's great your DD has someone to "play with" in math. DD really enjoys learning math with others too. One of the reasons she likes her tutor is that they have fun conversations about math. He is a double PhD so he definitely has the deep understanding kids like ours need. They won't follow someone who they aren't completely certain knows the path in the darkness way better than them!

    Don't you love it when they finally get that mastering the unknown can be fun not daunting. That's definitely a prize above any grade.

    I am wondering how shifrbv is getting on. Sorry if we hijacked the post a little but we hope you are hanging in there.

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