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We've been going through a rough patch with DD as well... and I know why, but that doesn't make it easier. She was always so intense when she was younger too and while it got slowly better, it was so hard to see that at the time.

So this is just a hug and sympathy and YES it's so hard when you find yourself thinking "if I'd have really known before hand, I may never have signed up for this." It's the ultimate taboo in our society that a mother might ever feel like "really, this is not what I wanted and may be more than I can handle." But it happens and it's OK... because the rest of the time you think "this kid is so awesome and I'm so happy he/she is in our family."

The best advice I EVER got about parenting was from my midwife. She told me "with kids, everything changes -- and that means that when things are great, enjoy them because everything changes... and when things are rough, it's OK because everything changes."

I got that same advice from someone in my own life! I love it, too.

It's funny that you mention snuggling with a book for comfort as a soothing antidote to stress, because that's exactly what DS3 requested after a major upset today. (Along with nursing.)

The nightly read-and-snuggle can still work for a 12-year-old. But probably not the nursing part.

+1 on all of it. (Mine are 10 and 8)

My sympathies. One thing that always works for me is to divert my DS's attention and distract him when the intensity gets too much for me. I am pretty creative in distracting and can totally throw my DS offtrack to the extent that his mind latches on to a different topic. I resort to this when I get to the point where I become short tempered and tell myself that I do not want to lose my temper with my child. I also drop what we are doing and read a book to my DS when I need to get a break from DS. That calms him down considerably.
I also try to say positive things more often to DS. And try to curb my own negativity as I become more and more aware these days that I am his source of support and encouragement and I need to stay that way. I also feel that I did not sign up for this when I became a parent - it is a hard feeling to deal with and does not sound maternal at all - I verbalized it to someone in my life and they told me that I need to change my outlook and think that if I did not do this job as my DS's parent, then no one else would. That thought provides me a lot of comfort on the days when I feel frustrated.
Try to spend more time on self care - exercise, drinking a lot of water, listening to music, meditation, gardening etc. These things help tremendously in improving our outlook. Good luck.

Thank you all so much for your support and hugs. It really does help. I had a good cry last night while writing my post, and another one while reading all of your responses. Thanks for understanding.

DS has been challenging since he was a baby, and there have definitely been a few easier periods, but often it is very challenging. Right now is a very challenging time for DS as not only is he starting at a new school, but he was accelerated a grade. So he is trying to make new friends at the same time as coming to terms with some academic challenge. He struggles with his handwriting, so he is starting to work with the OT at the new school, and this is a source of frustration for him too. His emotional regulation and executive functioning are below age level, and now he is up with older kids. I think the grade skip was the right decision, but it does require a lot of support and understanding.

I went to bed with the resolve to control the one thing I can best control, my own attitude and emotional regulation. I am going to keep reminding myself what he is going through, and be firm but empathetic, and do a better job of staying calm myself. He was already up when I got up this morning and we had a really nice time together before I took him to school.

DeeDee, you asked some great questions. DS had another assessment done at 4.5 and 5.5 by two different educational psychologists, both of whom said they do not think DS is on the spectrum. I still see some characteristics, but then between possible ASD, ADHD, giftedness, SPD, and who knows what else, it is hard to figure out exactly what is going on! Currently he has no diagnosis other than being highly gifted.

The school he went to last year would not allow us to send in a shadow. I got the impression they thought we were pathologising DS, and that we were exaggerating both his areas of ability and areas of weakness. We continued with a social skills/emotional regulation session with one other child and a psychologist once a week. We stopped that halfway through the year when the psychologist moved away.

We sent a letter to his new school before the year started to let them know he was struggling with handwriting, and his teacher organised a meeting at the end of the first week, which was fantastic. This is his second full week, and there has been some behaviour problems. I spoke with the Edu. Psych who did his report last year, and she recommended we get the school counsellor or psych involved and have a behaviour plan written up. So I have communicated that desire to the school today, and hopefully that will get going soon. I think they have an educational psych on site a few days a week. I feel it is very important to address behaviour straight away.

The positive pre-bed talk sounds like a fantastic idea. I am going to try it tonight.

Our experience is that it's sometimes hard for professionals to see autism in a child who is gifted, not least because if the child's verbal skills are strong the autism presents in a non-standard way.

Regardless of dx/non-dx, ABA or other behavioral strategies are going to be your best bet for getting a handle on behavior. Working on this in early elementary clears obstacles and lets the gifts shine better in late elementary/middle.

Hang in there.