Gifted Issues Discussion homepage Forums Parenting and Advocacy how do you handle asynchronous kids?

DS 9 is intellectually capable of 9 th grade work but the gifted curriculum only goes as high as 1 grade level ahead. He's currently in a 4th grade gifted class. But hand writing and motor abilities are those of a 2nd grader and emotionally he's a 9 year old boy. So what do you do?

Scream out of a sense of primal angst?


Ahem.

That was probably not helpful, huh?

Come here where others feel my particular flavor of pain, that's what I do.

I also have taken the tactic of walking a seemingly razor-thin margin of 'least-worst' and 'tolerable-- at least sometimes' for solutions to this particular conundrum. We try to hot-house the weakest skills (or at least those which are active impediments to access for the proper level in other domains of strength), in order to gradually nudge the placement into a better place with time.

There is no place for kids like this-- at least not for most people, who live in locations where there really isn't anything suitable for them. That's the bald truth. So all solutions are going to be imperfect.


The short answer is that every solution to this problem is going to be idiosyncratic, because tuning a solution has to take into account the entire child-- as you note, emotional maturity as well as intellectual and physical. DD15 reads as "old" socially and emotionally, so for her, acceleration has been a no-brainer. On the other hand, she's about age-appropriate in terms of executive function (or was, at 13, anyway), and physical development is perhaps a bit behind age, but unevenly so.

It requires being extremely tone-deaf to well-intended advice that doesn't take your WHOLE child into account. I definitely consider the source of such advice or criticism and think carefully about what information they have that I don't-- or vice versa.

What HK said.

DS is just younger than yours. With full support (after some advocacy) from his private school, he's accelerated two grades in his strongest subject. He's doing fine (if perhaps not reaching his theoretical potential). The trick has been placement with teachers who get that he's younger, but who appreciate that the kid really is ready to learn at that grade level (or beyond, but this is working for now) and realize he's not going to write perfectly. My guess is that most of their other students don't, either.

We have found that socially, he does far better when his mind is OCCUPIED (above understanding in place that he's young, and at times, slightly, ahem, energetic). Trouble happens when he has time or the inclination to entertain himself. Trouble also happens just because he's eight.

This is still not easy. We are, after never wanting to be "those parents" admitting that homeschooling him has a certain appeal.

What HK said - and occasionally alcohol has helped as well

I want to pull my hair out. Home schooling isn't an option unfortunately but we are open to private schools just can't seem to find anything in Arizona.

Cola, not every day is as frustrating and exhausting as today might seem. Some days will be smooth and some days it all seems impossible. I think, from reading your posts, that at the moment it is all really hard. Parenting any child is an individual experience but kids like ours are more challenging, partly because it is so hard to get other people to understand our fears and frustrations. Thank goodness here is an outlet and you will find support and advice which you can use or ignore depending on whether it helps your situation.

I personally don't think Asynchrony justs affects kids but can be an explanation for issues encountered throughout life so finding ways to cope is important.

Writing a list prioritizing what is causing the most angst right now can help. Take the most important issues and focus on those. Next think about whether these are issues that you can fix or not. Sometimes there isn't a current fix, we might need more information, more help or it may be external to our circle of influence.

Pick one thing you can influence and do one thing to make it better. It does help because it gives you back a sense of control. That is what keeps slipping away from us when problems become overwhelming. It doesn't even have to be a big thing.

Honestly, the last week has been full of challenge and frustration...leaking water pipes, a faulty phone line, problems at work, etc. The phone technician came today promptly. He was kind, caring, courteous, communicative and has worked really hard to fix both an immediate and a longstanding problem that we have had fobbed off before. It may take a month to fix the longstanding problem but the phone man made my day because he has tried hard and been helpful. Makes the week seem so much brighter.

Pick just one thing to start.....it will give you strength to keep going. Hugs.

"He was kind, caring, courteous, communicative and has worked really hard to fix both an immediate and a longstanding problem that we have had fobbed off before."

Hey Cola -

Many of us have been/are in your shoes. It's so hard, and so lonely. As result when somebody like ndw's phone man actually tries to help, I seriously am reduced to tears. The phone man thinks I am kooky. I think so, too! But I'm just so grateful for help - any help, that it just guts me!

I've talked about this a lot lately. But I'll just repeat: on the really hard days, remind yourself that, very likely, it's not that your child "won't." Probably, your child "can't." That doesn't mean the child doesn't need to learn how. But it re-casts your mental position. It gives you the strength to realize that your child is trying, and will be able to do ... these typical things ... more or less ... some day. But mostly it frees you from anger at your child and yourself for the fact that right now the child isn't meeting certain norms. It's not a matter of "won't" or something you are doing wrong as a parent. It's a matter of "can't."

One more thing - "can't" is probably really "can't YET." That's where our role as parents lies.

And don't ever lose sight of the soaring "CAN" things your kiddo has. Sometimes it's just - wow. Like today, when I picked up DS7 and he had just finished teaching a fourth grade kid what "attribute" meant, and how understanding a person's "attributes" helps you understand what is easy or hard for that person. And the big kid was just nodding at my son with big eyes and said "thanks, man" when DS left. [And - thank you to the great teacher who let me in on what had transpired!].

Know you are not alone,
Sue

Oh- and yeah - sometimes a good bottle of wine. Splurgy-like. Have you tried a nice Sancerre?

I may need a bottle of rum after these past couple weeks lol. Its hard being able to talk to someone who understands. Family and friends think I have it so easy having a smart kid so they just give me shit if I try to vent. My parents and hubby are all I really have but honestly we are kind of clueless lol. We know he's smart...and we know he's struggling...but we don't know how to fix it and its killing us emotionally.

Sue is so right....the phone man made me want to cry. When the week has comprised of banging your head against a door for days, it's unimaginable when someone not only opens it, but takes the load you are carrying by trying to help. It does happen when you least expect it. Hang in there Cola!

She was also so very right about remembering the things our kids CAN do. In between dealing with the phone line and the plumber my DD emailed me her English homework....due tomorrow...with a plea for help. It needs help and I was feeling frustrated about what she hasn't done. Sue reminded me...she is asking for help so I can't be cross she has left it so late, although we will work on that, but I will work with what she has done and show her where to go next. And I will remember that earlier in the week, two of the 17 y.o kids in her maths class came to my 13 y.o for help with an algebra problem. And she obliged.

Asynchrony has its up and downs but it does get better and you aren't totally alone. Chocolate is good too.....