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    Joined: Aug 2012
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    Cola Offline OP
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    DS 9 is intellectually capable of 9 th grade work but the gifted curriculum only goes as high as 1 grade level ahead. He's currently in a 4th grade gifted class. But hand writing and motor abilities are those of a 2nd grader and emotionally he's a 9 year old boy. So what do you do?

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    Scream out of a sense of primal angst?


    Ahem.

    That was probably not helpful, huh?

    Come here where others feel my particular flavor of pain, that's what I do.

    I also have taken the tactic of walking a seemingly razor-thin margin of 'least-worst' and 'tolerable-- at least sometimes' for solutions to this particular conundrum. We try to hot-house the weakest skills (or at least those which are active impediments to access for the proper level in other domains of strength), in order to gradually nudge the placement into a better place with time.

    There is no place for kids like this-- at least not for most people, who live in locations where there really isn't anything suitable for them. That's the bald truth. So all solutions are going to be imperfect.


    The short answer is that every solution to this problem is going to be idiosyncratic, because tuning a solution has to take into account the entire child-- as you note, emotional maturity as well as intellectual and physical. DD15 reads as "old" socially and emotionally, so for her, acceleration has been a no-brainer. On the other hand, she's about age-appropriate in terms of executive function (or was, at 13, anyway), and physical development is perhaps a bit behind age, but unevenly so.

    It requires being extremely tone-deaf to well-intended advice that doesn't take your WHOLE child into account. I definitely consider the source of such advice or criticism and think carefully about what information they have that I don't-- or vice versa.




    Schrödinger's cat walks into a bar. And doesn't.
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    What HK said.

    DS is just younger than yours. With full support (after some advocacy) from his private school, he's accelerated two grades in his strongest subject. He's doing fine (if perhaps not reaching his theoretical potential). The trick has been placement with teachers who get that he's younger, but who appreciate that the kid really is ready to learn at that grade level (or beyond, but this is working for now) and realize he's not going to write perfectly. My guess is that most of their other students don't, either.

    We have found that socially, he does far better when his mind is OCCUPIED (above understanding in place that he's young, and at times, slightly, ahem, energetic). Trouble happens when he has time or the inclination to entertain himself. Trouble also happens just because he's eight.

    This is still not easy. We are, after never wanting to be "those parents" admitting that homeschooling him has a certain appeal.

    Last edited by ConnectingDots; 02/10/15 03:44 PM.
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    What HK said - and occasionally alcohol has helped as well wink

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    Cola Offline OP
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    I want to pull my hair out. Home schooling isn't an option unfortunately but we are open to private schools just can't seem to find anything in Arizona.

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    ndw Offline
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    Cola, not every day is as frustrating and exhausting as today might seem. Some days will be smooth and some days it all seems impossible. I think, from reading your posts, that at the moment it is all really hard. Parenting any child is an individual experience but kids like ours are more challenging, partly because it is so hard to get other people to understand our fears and frustrations. Thank goodness here is an outlet and you will find support and advice which you can use or ignore depending on whether it helps your situation.

    I personally don't think Asynchrony justs affects kids but can be an explanation for issues encountered throughout life so finding ways to cope is important.

    Writing a list prioritizing what is causing the most angst right now can help. Take the most important issues and focus on those. Next think about whether these are issues that you can fix or not. Sometimes there isn't a current fix, we might need more information, more help or it may be external to our circle of influence.

    Pick one thing you can influence and do one thing to make it better. It does help because it gives you back a sense of control. That is what keeps slipping away from us when problems become overwhelming. It doesn't even have to be a big thing.

    Honestly, the last week has been full of challenge and frustration...leaking water pipes, a faulty phone line, problems at work, etc. The phone technician came today promptly. He was kind, caring, courteous, communicative and has worked really hard to fix both an immediate and a longstanding problem that we have had fobbed off before. It may take a month to fix the longstanding problem but the phone man made my day because he has tried hard and been helpful. Makes the week seem so much brighter.

    Pick just one thing to start.....it will give you strength to keep going. Hugs.

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    "He was kind, caring, courteous, communicative and has worked really hard to fix both an immediate and a longstanding problem that we have had fobbed off before."

    Hey Cola -

    Many of us have been/are in your shoes. It's so hard, and so lonely. As result when somebody like ndw's phone man actually tries to help, I seriously am reduced to tears. The phone man thinks I am kooky. I think so, too! But I'm just so grateful for help - any help, that it just guts me!

    I've talked about this a lot lately. But I'll just repeat: on the really hard days, remind yourself that, very likely, it's not that your child "won't." Probably, your child "can't." That doesn't mean the child doesn't need to learn how. But it re-casts your mental position. It gives you the strength to realize that your child is trying, and will be able to do ... these typical things ... more or less ... some day. But mostly it frees you from anger at your child and yourself for the fact that right now the child isn't meeting certain norms. It's not a matter of "won't" or something you are doing wrong as a parent. It's a matter of "can't."

    One more thing - "can't" is probably really "can't YET." That's where our role as parents lies.

    And don't ever lose sight of the soaring "CAN" things your kiddo has. Sometimes it's just - wow. Like today, when I picked up DS7 and he had just finished teaching a fourth grade kid what "attribute" meant, and how understanding a person's "attributes" helps you understand what is easy or hard for that person. And the big kid was just nodding at my son with big eyes and said "thanks, man" when DS left. [And - thank you to the great teacher who let me in on what had transpired!].

    Know you are not alone,
    Sue

    Last edited by suevv; 02/10/15 08:33 PM.
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    Oh- and yeah - sometimes a good bottle of wine. Splurgy-like. Have you tried a nice Sancerre?

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    Cola Offline OP
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    I may need a bottle of rum after these past couple weeks lol. Its hard being able to talk to someone who understands. Family and friends think I have it so easy having a smart kid so they just give me shit if I try to vent. My parents and hubby are all I really have but honestly we are kind of clueless lol. We know he's smart...and we know he's struggling...but we don't know how to fix it and its killing us emotionally.

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    ndw Offline
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    Sue is so right....the phone man made me want to cry. When the week has comprised of banging your head against a door for days, it's unimaginable when someone not only opens it, but takes the load you are carrying by trying to help. It does happen when you least expect it. Hang in there Cola!

    She was also so very right about remembering the things our kids CAN do. In between dealing with the phone line and the plumber my DD emailed me her English homework....due tomorrow...with a plea for help. It needs help and I was feeling frustrated about what she hasn't done. Sue reminded me...she is asking for help so I can't be cross she has left it so late, although we will work on that, but I will work with what she has done and show her where to go next. And I will remember that earlier in the week, two of the 17 y.o kids in her maths class came to my 13 y.o for help with an algebra problem. And she obliged.

    Asynchrony has its up and downs but it does get better and you aren't totally alone. Chocolate is good too.....

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    Asynchrony won't last forever.

    I remind myself of that. Often. This IS a temporary problem for my daughter, and it makes her alone in the world in a way that few of her peers are alone. That realization gives me compassion for her when I'd like to jump up and down and throw a Rumpelstiltskin-sized tantrum myself.





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    I don't know HK. I am not sure Asynchrony does go away but it isn't the same problem through life. That feeling of aloneness is solved by finding peers and that changes as our social circle changes. When we find our tribe the feeling of being asynchronous goes away but I guess because I move a lot, I experience the same feeling of being out of step until I find new peers and it's not always easy. Understanding why I find it hard is helpful as an adult so it makes it easier to cope and understand that weird feeling.

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    Although our kids are roughly the same age and have similar issues we are a bit further down the road than you so I can give you a few ideas of things that have helped us.

    1. Support the strengths outside of school. 1 grade level ahead isn't going to even scratch the surface of what your DS probably needs in some areas. My DD's strengths are in comprehension areas (and she has been diagnosed with just about every LD there is) so we have done a ton of high level audio books outside of school, starting before kindergarten. The summer between 1st and 2nd grade a neuropsych included in his report that she HAS to have high level audio books. She needs them like she needs air. (Well almost...) So based on that we had 2 daily enrichment/anxiety breaks written into her IEP for 2nd grade where she got to listen to books of her choosing. When she transferred to an out of district placement she was placed in the 8th grade reading comprehension group as a 3rd grader. She still found the pace to be "painfully slow" but enjoyed it. The teachers couldn't really wrap their heads around this little kid needing such high level material so it's a work in progress. But get him that enrichment however you need to do it. (A friend with a 2E kid who is PG in math has had him working with a tutor for a couple of years to get in what he needs outside of school. As a 4th grader he has been attending honors algebra at the middle school but by next year he will probably be needing 12th grade level math. This kind of thing has to be individualized - no 2 kids will be alike.)

    2. Support the areas of challenge by assuring he has access to all the services and accommodations he needs. I saw your post about the teacher's behavior during your IEP meeting. A number of us here have had a hard time getting consistent implementation of the IEP by classroom teachers who don't get it. I think probably all or at least most have heard our kids called "lazy" in those situations. I recommend watching that teacher like a hawk. Hopefully the supporters from your meeting will continue as allies. Don't look for trouble where it may not exist but be ready to react immediately if he doesn't get the support he needs. I chose to hold my district accountable to provide whatever services DD needs but other parents choose to hire their own therapy team outside of school. There are pros and cons to each approach...

    3. Emotionally and socially my DD has benefitted from 2 things - a) having close friends who have known her for years and get that both the strengths and the challenges are intrinsic to who she is as a person and b) participating in a musical theater group that provides regular, consistent access to neurotypical peers of a broad age range. Her current show has a cast ranging in age from 6 to 17. During the summers she does shows with casts that range from 4 to adult. This means she has gotten comfortable being around people of all ages and abilities so her asynchrony doesn't just apply to a backdrop of same age peers. She may sit and play Barbies with a group of little girls, talk about character development with a group of teenagers or discuss her experiences with an adult who also grew up with LD's but didn't get the kind of support DD is receiving.

    4. We got very lucky and found an amazing psych who is both 2E herself and the parent of a 2E child. She has been an incredible resource both helping DD accept herself and working with the schools to get them to understand her rather unusual circumstances.

    5. Use this board to help you navigate the process. There will be times you want to scream or cry or punch someone in the face. There will also be times that you are bursting with excitement or pride over things no one in real life could possibly understand. My 9 year old can finally tie her shoes or wore her first pair of regular pants (with a snap,and a zipper). Parents here with dysgraphic kids will get it and share your excitement. That same kid question how King Lear could possibly be considered a tragic hero? Parents here will say "We had that very same conversation the summer my DC was 10..."

    6. Cut yourself some slack. You will spend a crazy amount of time figuring out what he needs and how best to get it for him. Give yourself room to breathe as you work through it all. You will probably hit some walls as you advocate but you will also have some significant triumphs. Don't forget to let yourself enjoy the good times.

    Hope this helps.

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    Chocolate? Wish I could give THE ANSWER but there isn't one.

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    you are not alone. DD is only 4 and I still get well what we found worked is blah blah blah. I actually told a lady I wanted to smack her yesterday after she was complaining about her kids sleeping/toileting habits. I can't believe I was so horrible to such a nice lady. Just another sign I guess that we cop it from all directions and if you don't learn to deal with it you can be a right witch. She really did look shocked.

    HK thank you so much for saying that you hothouse lacking attributes, I have been feeling so guilty about doing this but I know that to get the education she will need DD needs to show some consistency in a few areas.

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    Originally Posted by chay
    What HK said - and occasionally alcohol has helped as well wink

    I second the nomination.


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    Cola Offline OP
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    Thank you everyone. Its sad but I'm so happy to know I'm not alone lol. I just want what is best for him and anytime someone has something negative to say about him my mama bear mode comes out and I want to throat punch them lol.

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    Can I just say that you are all the most wonderful, supportive, helpful people?!!! I needed to read this today too. Thank you.


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    Cola Offline OP
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    Michelle are you and I in the same boat?

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    You are definitely not alone and this board is an amazing resource.

    One of the biggest things I've had to learn is patience. Two years ago we got DS's results and I think in the back of my mind I thought we'd be able to solve everything right away once we knew what we were trying to solve. It has been two years and we're still not there. I come here and read about kids and parents further along the path and have come to realize that each new phase has its own challenges and rewards. I have learned and continue to learn so much from them and it is a huge relief to know that we're not the only ones going through this.

    Even though we aren't there yet, we're a lot closer than we were two years ago. I've come to realize this is a marathon, not a sprint. There are days where all you can do is keep moving forward in baby steps. There are times when it seems like we're going backwards but even then we are learning what doesn't work so we're moving closer to figuring out what does. Then there are the days when your kid blows your mind with some insane insight, observation, accomplishment or discussion. Or the days when they just do what any 8 year old would do and it briefly makes the rest of the chaos fade away.

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