Gifted Issues Discussion homepage Forums Twice Exceptional Behavior issues and boredom

My DS7 is in second grade after one skip. We had the meeting to get his 504 plan set up last week, so if anyone happens to have specific suggestions for accommodations we should request, I would appreciate it. He has difficulty with fine motor skills (so writing, etc). They suggested we get an evaluation of his processing as we only have the WISC-IV processing information (which was average but well below other scores). That is somewhat vague, though.

The big thing I need to figure out is whether to keep him at school or not because he just is not able to handle it well when he is either bored by work or doesn't think he can do it well. He is one of the top students in the class according to the teacher, but he told me (when I showed him his report card) that he is no good at anything and all the other kids do better. He is allowed to use the computer if he finishes his work early, but increasingly doesn't even want to try even though he can do it well.

He has a difficult time with math because they want him to show the steps and he loves to do it in his head. This has been a huge sticking point (he was sent to the office for being distracting during testing and the principal asked him difficult math problems, which he answered with no problem but then completely refused to work out even though he would explain verbally the non-school-approved tricks he used to solve them in his head).

We have been considering homeschooling but there are several problems. The main one is that he has always had difficulty with social skills and with some executive functioning skills and my hope has been that he could improve those at school. I know it's possible to do rich social activities as a homeschooler, but there are reasons that would be very difficult.

The school also tells me they think he will have a lot of difficulty in third grade because there is so much writing.

So I'd be interested in feedback on whether others would homeschool or if there are other things we could try to help him do better at school (with better behavior and without feeling like he isn't capable).

Have you considered single subject acceleration on top of the skip? Or would the teachers do differentiation in the form of a pull out for just math? I can't imagine mine at that age in a regular classroom for math. It just wouldn't have worked. But the pullout (with the right teacher) worked great.

My experience is that for kids with lagging social skills, school does not help, and may make things worse. At our (former) school, there was relatively little time for socializing during the school day. And if your kid is perceived as different, he may be shunned on the schoolyard (ask me how I know!), and not invited to playdates for after-school socializing. So why bother trying to play with the other kids (and practice social skills) if they're just going to ignore you (at best). With this also comes the "there must be something wrong with me" thoughts, which don't help. (Of course, if your son already has a good group of friends, this may not apply.)

Plus, if there is a strong desire to be with other kids, there are other ways (Scouts, 4H, after school clubs, etc), in addition to getting together with other homeschoolers.

Me, I would homeschool. In fact, we did. DS is much happier, has more friends, and has more confidence in his abilities (academic and social). I would not say we have a heavy social calendar (there are a couple of days each week when we don't see other kids), but since the kids we do see actually like DS and DD, the interactions are more meaningful.

We pulled DS and DD out of school for academic reasons, not social ones. In fact, because of many of the same problems you stated (boredom, not willing to put in effort, feeling incompetent, all resulting in bad behavior). The improved social life is a happy fallout of homeschooling, and in some ways was a surprise.

One of the benefits of homeschooling in terms of social skills is that you have more control over the kind of peer interactions your son has. A child with developing social skills may not have the resilience to manage the "law of the jungle"-type peer interactions that tend to predominate in large, loosely-supervised settings like recess. In a homeschool setting, you can design peer social situations for success, so that he has an opportunity to practice skills he might be working on in therapy or at home, but in sheltered live situations, where he can be reinforced by experiencing meaningful success. You are also often in the vicinity, to coach him with a consistent set of cues.

One of the flags in your DS's case is that adults in the situation, and objective measures, indicate that he is successful academically, and much improved behaviorally, but he is not perceiving this about himself. Whether schooled at home or elsewhere, he needs to be in an environment with generous--but authentic--positive feedback about his successes. At the moment, he is heavily predisposed to interpret environmental feedback as negative, therefore his settings need to be quite intentional about helping him identify his strengths. Because a standard classroom is designed for bringing everyone up to an even level of development, even after the grade skip, he is probably receiving more feedback from the setting about the areas in which he lags or is nearer the median (for which the teacher may occasionally assist him), than in which he excels (for which the teacher does not need to assist him, and thus possibly gives him negligible overt attention). Remember also that any negative feedback from his previous settings likely left a mark that will need to be specifically countered; it won't just disappear because the current circumstances are relatively better. Oh, and some teachers actually praise weaker students more than stronger students (usually unconsciously), because they are trying to encourage them to do better/try harder.

We've been homeschooling ours for a few years now, but did have experiences with institutional schools. The one who finds the social impact of homeschooling to be least positive is actually the most socially skilled one, who, I think, would prefer a larger stage...

I'm sorry for not replying more quickly; we have had a hectic week and I read the responses but didn't have a chance to reply.

It does look like we are going to have to work on homeschooling options. My daughter is also running into more school issues again. I just hope we can figure out good social options.

DS does now have a 504 plan to allow writing assistance for exams if needed. I am hoping we can add something about being able to move on if he demonstrates mastery to reduce boredom.

Thank you again. I really appreciate the help and the ideas to consider.

Good news is that there is a lot of support and information available. Gifted Homeschoolers Forum (GHF) is one of many great resources.

I agree-- the "but, but-- social skills" stigma about homeschooling is probably more mythology than reality, from what I've seen and experienced.

It does provide you with a way to hand-tune what your child NEEDS in order to learn and grow in positive (and not maladaptive) ways, though. With a child that has a wide margin of asynchrony or a particular disabling condition in the mix, that can become the controlling factor in developing social skills.

That said, in those cases, being able to take a non-normative path to learning social skills can be a much, much better thing in the long run. Internalizing that you are less worthwhile than other human beings by virtue of differences from them is not the same thing as "developing good social skills."

Working on weaknesses and growing into adult social skills as appropriate-- and as your child's individual readiness allows-- well, that arc may look very different from typical age-mates at any particular snapshot in time. But the thing is, you're not trying to shape your child to be able to 'get on well with other 4th graders,' are you? You're attempting to eventually, at the end of some arc that ends during middle or late adolescence, to get him/her to be a socially competent and emotionally well-regulated young adult.

That said-- ask yourself how what you're hearing from your child contributes (or undermines) growth toward that larger goal.

We kept ours (2E, similar issues, now 12) in school and then negotiated like crazy to make school fit.

They worked on social skills (not just "socializing" but also class participation, appropriate give and take with peers, working through issues with teachers, etc.). They worked on fine motor and showing work (still a work in progress). He still has executive function goals and supports in his IEP. They multiply accelerated him to the point where it kind of works academically; no formal education will ever be appropriate to the pace at which he learns.

Basically, we demanded an appropriate education and hung in there for the follow-through and inevitable constant tuning.

His social skills are notably better in the multiply-accelerated environments than in the same-age environments. For some kids, it works.

I can also say that given how hard we were working to remediate the social skills issues outside of school, I could not have also dealt with homeschooling. Having some space in the day for me to exist apart from the legion issues we faced with DS was really important to my sane survival.

You've received great advice already - the one thing I'd add is that it is most likely worth looking into why there was a dip in the WISC processing speed scores, think through why the school is saying your ds may be challenged with the increased demands in writing in 3rd grade, think through the EF issues you've seen, talk to your ds about what it is he thinks he isn't doing well at, and look for connections.

Did the school do any kind of OT assessment for fine motor skills? Does he have anything in his 504 plan to help with fine motor, or to provide alternative forms of answering questions etc?

It's just a gut feeling but fwiw, the reluctance to write down math problems could be related to the fine motor issues, which could be what's causing the dip in processing speed scores on the WISC, all of which might be tied into why your ds feels he's not good at things, all of which might be pointing to something you need to understand better and address no matter which school he's in (current school or homeschool).

Did the school offer further evals when they "suggested we get an evaluation of his processing", or were they suggesting you approach that further evaluation privately? If they recommended something could you let us know what they recommended?

Best wishes,

polarbear

I need to be clear that I know homeschoolers can have wonderful social opportunities and that school isn't necessary for socialization. It's just that our particular situation makes socialization very difficult.

DS is in OT because he has difficulty with fine motor skills. We do it privately because the school won't test him (I know this is inaccurate, but they say he can't qualify for an IEP because he does so well academically). They have offered to have someone write his answers for him on tests. They didn't give any specific suggestions for further evaluations; we would have to do that on our own.