Gifted Issues Discussion homepage Forums General Discussion Extreme shyness vs. selective mutism

I have a daughter, now 5, that I have always considered "painfully shy". I was shopping on Amazon for some Christmas books - perhaps about a character who is shy- and overcomes it.... And I kept getting book recommendations for "selective mutism". I had never heard the term before. I went to Wikipedia- and it really sounds a lot like my kid. She almost does not speak at all in her kindergarten and when she does- she can barely get her voice above a whisper. Her teacher told me that she is almost afraid to call on her because my daughter will turn red, break out in hives and start to tear up. She is not quiet at home. She prefers a quiet environment for sure- but when she is comfortable, she can be a little chatterbox. How do you determine the line between extreme shyness and selectively mute.... Also, at what point do you seek professional help? I assumed she would outgrow it with age.

To me, the concern is that your daughter breaks out in hives and starts to tear up if called on... it has become something that is affecting her to the point of physical symptoms.

I think the line is blurry. Have you checked with a expert on this? You may want to consult a kid psychologist.

My son is also very shy. He sometimes will not speak for the first couple of months in a school year, particularly when he was in preschool. But he eventually will start talking when he starts to know the teacher better. He is also in K this year. The transition took less time this year.

I would probably check with an expert. I've never considered the label 'selective mutism' but it might describe my son particularly when he was 11-13. At 15 he is now coming out of his shell, but I did get him into a social skills class in junior high and he does see a psychologist now. He would tell me, why should I speak I have nothing to say.

Basically my son often wouldn't talk he didn't know a person well even if they were directly talking with him. This included kids his own age and adults. When I would ask he would tell me he had nothing to say. I had to actively work with him about the fact that people consider it RUDE if you don't respond when they are talking to you. And work on what is socially acceptable. He will do this in a class particularly if he doesn't know the teacher well. Last year he had a substitute teacher send him to the office because they thought he might be sick because he wouldn't respond. I've had him evaluated to see if he is on the Autistic Spectrum & that doesn't quite fit him, but the difference is it's not that he can't respond but that he chooses not to.

Good Luck.

Selective mutism currently is considered a variant of social anxiety; it appears to respond best to treatments for anxiety. I also would consider the hives and tearing up to be indicators that this is more than shyness.

There has also been some success with forms of video self-modeling therapy, the basic principle of which is to video the child speaking when comfortable (preferably in the target setting for future speech), and then have the child view themselves speaking. One can also edit video, to pair footage of someone asking the child a question with footage of them answering the question (not really at the same time, but edited to appear so).

Well I am sure social anxiety plays into my DS's problems as well. He does have a dx of anxiety disorder. He has gotten better partly because lately he WANTS to get better and thus is working on these skills with his psychologist and typically will try things she suggests while ignoring it if I suggest the same thing. (;-) typical teenager) Also for my DS oddly he is OK with a formal oral report and has more problems talking when working in a small groups or answering a question when put on the spot.

For a 6 year old, I would seek help with someone who has experience with anxiety problems. It's possible that school or school district might have social skills classes or groups that could help her.

Well, as you know, selective mutism is still poorly understood. Video self-modeling is effective for some children. Obviously not so much if a child is uncomfortable being videorecorded! When it works, the idea is that there are settings where speaking is comfortable, so take that language and use video production to change the perception of speaking in a new setting.

Of course, reducing anxiety is still the first goal.

Boy - this is a tough one. I think I might check in with her teachers to see if there has been any trajectory towards improvement. Sometimes I think I am seeing improvement - only to see her very shy again on a different day, in a different situation.

She has an older sister who is really great with her -so when they are in a new situation - her older sister will often take her by the hand and help her until my younger daughter feels comfortable. Generally speaking, I think she is OK with kids -slow to warm up - but able to play well and make friends as long as the situation is not too loud or chaotic....she does not really interact too much with adults though. At birthday parties though - with no older sister around to help out - she will cling to my skirt and not leave my side... even with kids that she knows well.

One of the more surprising things that happened this year was that she started having accidents at school. She has been potty trained since she was 2. I guess at preschool they would just line them up twice per day and bring them to the bathroom, so she never had to ask before... at a new school, kindergarten, with new teachers- she was too shy to ask to go. She would hold it all day, or have an accident. I spoke with her teacher, and now they ask her if she needs to go - but for me that was the point when I started to think that the shyness was not just a cute little kid thing anymore.

I think I would be averse to medication unless other interventions failed... I am not sure how I can help her from home though. I am fairly sure she would not talk to a therapist - I could talk to one to find out what to talk with her about - but I am not sure that is the same thing.

I will say she is happy at school. It is not like she is so shy that she does not want to go - so that is good. Her teachers are loving - I don't think they would ever say something like "no recess unless you start talking".

I tried to have her set a goal to raise her hand once per day at school. For a while I would ask her if she did - sometimes she did - at least at first - but then it seems like she stopped - so I stopped asking, because I did not want to push it too hard.

I wish I had a magic wand. Wondering what has worked for other kids.

Don't we all sometimes wish we had magic wands that would just fix these kinds of things.

My son see's a psychologist not a psychiatrist and is not medicated. We have considered it but for other reasons but are trying other approaches first. We had good results from a social skills class, and sessions with the school districts social worker. I also put both my kids in acting classes, but a class that was more 'process than product' focused. The focus was on teaching acting skills through games without requiring a big performance. It occurs to me that something like a puppet theater could be a fun and helpful way to practice social situations.

One thing I've gotten grief lately is that started "talking for" my child when a 'strange' adult would ask him questions. I would give my son a chance to talk but then try and model correct behavior/language. I would respond as a parent. I was honestly trying to do this to keep people from saying questions like 'why doesn't he talk', and I didn't want to 'punish' or make the issue obvious in front of others. And to show him what normal discourse others expect. But it did get to be a bit of a habit, and now that he is 15 I try and hold my tongue when others address him.

I have a friend whose son has been diagnosed with selective mutism. It is definitely not shyness, and "selective" is a misnomer, he cannot talk in class, period- it is not selective which implies a choice. He is a chatterbox at home however.

If your daughter has this much anxiety with speaking, whether or not she actually has SM or some other kind of anxiety issue, she needs help- I definitely recommend talking to a developmental psychiatrist.