Gifted Issues Discussion homepage Forums Parenting and Advocacy Getting bullied because of gifts....

Our DD has been getting passively aggressively bullied by another student at her gifted school. The student often has meltdowns because she is not as "smart" as my DD, or my DD has information she doesn't, or my DD made something she can't make, or my DD can sing better....the list goes on and on. On one hand it might appear that she simply idolizes my child, but it is expressed in an extremely negative, aggressive way and is quite upsetting to my child.

I am wondering if this has happened to anyone else and what advice you might have from your experience. The school is aware of the situation and is trying to remedy the situation. My concern is how I help my daughter in the interim. She is SO sensitive and has so much empathy, so on one hand she gets angry and wants the problem (child) to just go away, on the other hand she feels sorry for the other child and wants to "help" her.

It's really messing up her psyche. We have told her, and her teachers have told her that the first thing she needs to do is take care of herself, but she naturally wants to help others. Any ideas of what we can do to help her?

How old are the girls? Has it become physical or merely a "misery loves company" kind of situation?

This sounds like a child whose identity is based upon being "best", therefore is highly competitive and highly insecure.

Jealousy?

This could mean anything, from teaching the child that she has intrinsic self-worth and encouraging good sportsmanship win-or-lose, to attempting to contrive a situation in which this child triumphs over yours. Unfortunately, just as some parents unwittingly fuel sibling rivalry, some learning environments create unhealthy and counterproductive rivalry. Children often resent being a foil for others, rather than being recognized for their own unique strengths.

While some of this may depend upon the specific behaviors of the other child (and helping your child understand better behavior choices to make if/when she is in a similar situation) much of what may be helpful to your child may be reinforcing the same lessons which any child benefits from... ensuring she knows she has intrinsic worth and encouraging good sportsmanship win-or-lose. Competition can be brutal, especially for a non-competitive child. Stories of Olympic silver medalists and others who almost made it to the top and went on to other successes may help build resilience and perseverance to draw on later in life.

Being Me is a book about understanding, building, and maintain confidence. It is by Magination Press, American Psychological Association. It is not specifically about gifted kids, but does a nice job explaining personal confidence and social confidence in a way kids can understand. Parents may wish to read the book first, to see whether it is applicable in their own child's circumstances. Reading also helps a parent prepare to have meaningful conversations with the child on different aspects of the topic of confidence.

That said, a common trait in gifted children, often listed amongst identifying characteristics, which is alternately described as "advanced moral reasoning", "well developed sense of justice", "moral sensitivity", "advanced ability to think about such abstract ideas as justice and fairness", "empathy", "compassion". Links to lists of gifted characteristics include several articles on the Davidson Database here and here, SENG (Silverman), SENG (Lovecky). If your child exhibits extreme empathy and understanding, the other child may believe her own aggressive approach to your daughter is OK, if your daughter does not enforce healthy boundaries.

One of the girls is 11 the other 10. It is not physical. It usually manifests itself with the child having a true screaming tantrum, tears, et, with words to the effect that why is my child so much better, different, smarter,...whatever...fill in the blank. The child often states she is dumb. She will also get into my daughter's face and demand to know where she got answers or information from....,so not physical, but she does invade her personal space. It is really distressing to watch.

I am not sure if there really is a jealousy factor or if the child is just trying to bring attention to herself. Personally I think the child is manipulating the situation. She often talks over others and has a hard time waiting her turn. I understand some of this can be attributed to gifted traits, but it is beyond anything I have experience with.

I am worried that my daughter is trying to "mask' her intelligence and personality just so this child won't have a melt down. So instead of being competitive my child will go down the opposite route and try to appease the other child. She holds this all in and is making herself sick about it. It's bullying, plan and simple, even if it doesn't look like it in the traditional sense. I would know what to do about traditional bullying, but this case is above my pay grade.

Whatever the cause this is really unfair to your kid and I think it needs to stop. Can the school move the disruptive kid to a different classroom so there is not so much interaction?

Can you ask for your daughter to be moved to another classroom? If that is not possible, to another desk in the class so that she is physically separated from this other child by quite a distance, which I think the school should be able to do immediately. When my son was in a similar situation in K, I asked the teacher to move him to a desk where he could sit alone (the rest of the K kids sat at a large table together) and it helped my son get some peace during seat work - he was being hounded even during class work time because he was so "different" from others.
Another thing you could try would be to encourage your child to spend more time with other kids at recess, lunch etc - I know that it is impossible when the other child keeps following your child relentlessly. But, the other child loses their center stage when your daughter involves a few other children into their conversation and takes the focus off the child who compares herself to your child all the time. And, it helps to role-play with your chid how to go about it. It would involve specifics like - "Are there any friends in class that you would like to play with? What are their names? Why don't you try to either play or have a short conversation with Sue or Amy at lunch time today and see if they are interested in playing soccer with you? You can try asking Cara what book she is reading these days. etc."

We eventually moved our son to a school where he found a few peers to play with and to communicate with and where his abilities did not stand out so much.

Female relationships at that age start to become complicated. At least the other girl has been somewhat honest about what might be going on here. It sounds primarily like jealousy, which the other girl needs to learn to handle in a more appropriate manner. I have seen this sort of thing manifest as simple nasty behavior without any apparent cause (even with a possible attempt to get others involved in a perceived fake "slight"), rather than more direct confrontation about the true source of the upset - which may simply be that the other girl is feeling insecure or badly about herself. I am guessing that from your daughter's reaction that this individual may even have been considered somewhat of a "friend" at one time? What I would hate to see would be your daughter feeling the need to hide her gifts just to appease this child. Easier said than done, though. While reasonable modesty is a smart way to go, it should not extend to performing less well than she is able to. Best of luck - your daughter may be in for shades of this behavior for years to come.

Girls often engage in a form of bullying called "relational aggression". Learning to establish healthy boundaries is important. This can be part of resilience. American Psychological Association (APA) has information on many aspects of bullying. APA also offers many children's books on topics such as school related issues, self-esteem, relationships: Magination Press

Books such as Odd Girl Out and Queen Bees and Wannabees have been helping parents and girls understand relational aggression for several years. There is even a book on recognizing and dealing with Queen Bee Moms and Kingpin Dads.

My DD5 is much younger than yours, however DD is a "helper" and we've been in a situation that is similar though not exactly the same.

DD has a classmate who has fixated on her. This girl often bullies DD and becomes angry and manipulative when DD doesn't agree to play with or participate in activities the girl dictates. This has led to tantruming and the girl screaming I don't like you, you are not my friend.

DD is extremely sensitive and is very hurt by these comments. She wants to appease this girl (who has other issues at play) and feels sympathetic towards this student because DD does not want to upset her. DD also wants to avoid being verbally abused.

I've explained to DD that it is not your responsibility to fix this problem even though you care about your friend. However, if DD has any insight or information about what is going on the best thing to do is to come to me or the teacher and tell us and that information can be used to help her friend. The best thing she can do for the friend at this point is leave her alone. Of course I did this at the appropriate level for a five year old.

In our case, DDs teachers have done a good job of separating DD and the girl during class time. I've also made them very aware of the guilt/conflicted feelings DD has. Do the teachers have any plans to keep your DD and the girl separated? Do they have any strategies in place in case the girl has a tantrum about your DD? Have they given your DD any strategies to "take care" of herself when these situations happen?

I get what you're going through because I have an empathetic helper as well. I keep emphasising that sometimes taking a step back and letting someone else step in to help is the best thing you can do for yourself and the other person.

Good Luck!

I would tend to agree with what others have posted. Moving her seat in the classroom or moving classrooms, is probably warranted in this instance. It sounds like this child is having difficulty dealing with her emotions and is at times unstable. Someone with that kind of emotional instability could easily escalate their behavior into a physical confrontation. Having tantrums and emotional meltdowns at her age is symptomatic of someone maladjusted and probably in need of psychiatric care or counseling. Those are things that neither you, nor your daughter can provide for this girl. If your daughter removes herself as a "supply" of constant compliance and deference to this girl's wishes, then she will eventually move on to find someone else to make her feel important or "special". I would also follow up with your daughter's teacher to make sure that she is communicating some of these issues to the girl's parents.