Gifted Issues Discussion homepage Forums Parenting and Advocacy "I don't like school."

I'm coming back to this post because DS' feelings about school haven't changed.

Deciding to sit in and watch him go through his day, I went to his school and observed for two entire days. I took notes hoping to see a pattern emerge that would give us a hint as to the problem. Nothing has surfaced. My and my husband's opinion about the teacher haven't changed; we think she's doing well. The work seems appropriate for him, and the environment is also satisfactory. The kids are all well-behaved and no bullying is going on that I could detect.

The one thing I did notice during my time there is he seems to be somewhat isolating himself on the playground. He doesn't seem inclined to automatically play what everyone else wants to. Instead, he is okay with going off and doing his own thing. If some other child joins him, he's happy to have them, but otherwise doesn't appear to make much effort to invite interaction. I was dismayed to see him acting like this and asked the teacher if he does it all the time. She said his best friend was out sick and that may account for it. I think DS is a more one-on-one type of kid if that makes sense. He's not a sporty type and most other boys and some girls are, so perhaps that is also playing into his choice of activity during recesses.
Ironically, recess is his favorite part of the day outside of math.

DS recently said to me, "No one is helping me with not liking school." I think he's feeling unheard because we've been unable to make things different. Nothing has changed at school or home since I first posted, btw.

Thinking we needed to bring this up to the teacher in more depth, my husband spoke with her about this again last night after PTC and she seemed concerned. Her prior reaction was one of surprise, but no conversation was really able to happen at that time since it was during school. In the course of conversation, she offered to try to tease out of DS what is bothering him. I hope she can. My husband and I are stuck on what to do.

Meanwhile, I've purchased a journal for him in the hope he will sort out exactly what is bothering him through the comfort of writing down his feelings and thoughts. Other than that, I'm out of ideas.

Did you discuss this specifically with your DS when he said that no one was helping him (ask him about the work)? Maybe, he is just satisfied with the work content and not really enthused about it because he is capable of much more? Could that be the issue?

As for the recess - it is fine to go off alone and play by himself if he wants to because he may be trying to decompress and may need that alone time away from the noise and movement and busyness of the other kids.

Based on your earlier posts, I am wondering if it is possible that the "I don't like school" comments are an attempt to get you or your husband to homeschool him?

You might try questions such as "what would make school a place you'd like? How would you change it to fit you better? What would a great school day be like for you?"

If he's an introvert and doesn't seem unhappy about the playground situation, that's probably not the issue. (There's an example almost identical to the one you describe in Susan Cain's book, "Quiet.")

Earlier (upthread) you mentioned having discussed school with your ds and he said that the issue was the pace of instruction:


Has anything changed at school since that discussion? Has he been further challenged or is he still at the same place?



This could simply be the behavior of a child who prefers to hang with his best friend and the friend is out sick... or it could be a child who is unhappy. Social isolation on the playground was happening to my ds at the same age - and it didn't look troubling to any of his teachers, he had a best friend, and he did play with kids when they approached him - but he was also spending a lot of time alone or relatively isolated on the playground. Once we switched him to a school where his educational needs were better met, he was all of a sudden back in the thick of things socially, which is really where his personality lies - the hanging with one or two friends and not joining in with the group at his previous school wasn't because he didn't like sports or wasn't a group type of personality, it was because he was spending the day frustrated and upset with school.


What have you tried to do to make a change? Although we've battled against brick walls many times in our kids' school careers, one thing that we've done is to share with our kids what we as parents have done to help make the situation different/better. It doesn't always work, and that's tough, and that's a part of life - but we've come through with our kids learning something really important - we (parents) believe in them and we stick up for them. Our kids see that we can't change the world every time, but they see that we always have their back. It's also helped them learn how to advocate for themselves.


The teacher is going to be paying attention; listen to what she has to say and see if it makes sense. Try talking to your ds again.


The journal is a great idea, but I'd try to also consider that he might not actually *know* what's bothering him about school, and he may need to depend on you to help figure it out.

I hope you're able to get to the bottom of it and find a way to change whatever is up -

Best wishes,

polarbear

Some random thoughts... but one thing you mentioned earlier was that his reading level was lower due to writing skills - and you mentioned earlier too that the issue seemed to be tedium. It is probably not related but the more interesting materials are going to be in the higher levels.

Also, does he tend to be one of those kids where even if most of the day was good, if there was one bad moment, it dominates his feelings about school that day?

Last random thought - although the kids are well behaved, do you think he feels there a disconnect between him and the other kids - or like he feels like he is a misfit even though he can interact appropriately with the other kids? We saw major issues with DS even at age 3.5, where every time we watched him in daycare, he seemed to have a blast playing with the other kids, but he would come home and complain how he hated daycare - when we moved him to a gifted class at 4 (another school), all of a sudden, he loved his new friends and the environment. He found a group of kids he could relate to, and talk to - and yet if we watched him with his age peers (at his daycare), you would never know he was feeling like a misfit because he knew how to blend in with his age peers.

You've received great advice above. I'll just add that reading books about similar situations can provide bibliotherapy, helping a child see their situation within the pages of a book they are reading. Kids may find circumstances which parallel their own life and develop the specialized vocabulary to describe nuanced feelings.

Gifted Kids' Survival Guide for gifted kids under age 10 is one idea.

Hoagies Gifted Education Page has a great reading list.

Some of my best friends are books is a helpful guide.

I am also wondering about the pace of instruction, since that was an issue earlier. Did that change? Has he grown apathetic about it all? My son got apathetic and began to disengage very quickly- within just a few months.

So many good questions that are helping to make this whole thing come into focus for me! I'm going to answer the ones I think will make the situation more clear for everyone. I'm open to ideas to ask the teacher about to make the working part of his day more tolerable.


I did ask for specifics, in fact. He is having a hard time with exactly what is bothering him, but I sorted out that the spelling words are too easy (I knew this) and having to write them three times each on Mondays is, in his words, "wasting my time". I intend to ask he be tested out of third grade level words at least, and moved into the fourth. Hopefully, those are difficult enough that he will be challenged. Also since he only needs three or four tries at a word to learn how it's spelled, I'm going to ask he only have to write the word once to "learn" it or possibly ditch the writing part altogether and have him spell the word to the teacher privately.


His teacher asked my husband if we had discussed homeschooling with him, actually. He said we had and she suggested he was possibly saying he doesn't like school because he may have some thought that homeschooling would be more like his weekends. In other words, lots of fun time and no work like the school is asking him to do. DH assured her that I was very structured and he was under no illusion that he'd be playing his day away. I had made sure DS knew the good and bad of a choice to homeschool him. One major downside for him is no recess with the kids. I told him he would likely not see them again if we homeschooled. He also knows he'd miss out on the fun things the school does like Missoula Children's Theater and field trips, potluck lunches and last day picnic/carnival.


I read this suggestion and tried it out on him. He said if the entire day was only math and snack and lunch and recess! Of course, he knows that's not possible so when I pressed him, he came back to spelling and his phonics worksheets being a waste of his time. The questions you suggested really helped clarify for me something needs done about those two subjects-even though the school won't allow a full skip to fourth grade reading. Thanks for the book recommendation. I'll look it up.


Bingo! This is him. He's a glass-half-empty type (gets it from me). Because he seems to consistently come back to "I don't like school" comments regardless of if he says the day went well, I know this issue is more than his natural outlook on things.



He went through a bout of this in Kindergarten. I recall him crying that the kids didn't understand him. Now that he's in a school that has a mixed grade class environment (he's in the 1st-3rd room), I haven't heard him say that again. He's also interacting with the 4th-8th graders during the day, and enjoys conversations with them. In fact, I was at the school to speak with the principal (who also teaches the 7th-8th grade) and a couple of the girls commented on how smart DS was and how he was soo cute. He's well-liked, so I'm not thinking this is the problem. I think he's possibly less inclined to be a "joiner" in things unless he really wants to play.


I'm adding these to my list! Thanks, indigo.


I can't say how much it helps my husband and me to have this board's parents to consult. We have joined a local group for gifted kids, but haven't found it to be very helpful, since it's mostly focused upon politics within our state regarding gifted education, and there's few opportunities for personal interaction.

While gifted kids often thrive in a mixed-age classroom, this tends to be especially true when they are at the young end of the age ranges. Being at the older end of the age ranges may provide no intellectual peers... this may rectify itself next year when he is the younger end of the 4th-8th grade group. However waiting until next year may be a l-o-n-g time to a child... plenty of time to become disengaged and under-achieving. It is great that you are looking at ways to help him through the remainder of this school year, with sufficient challenge and support.

Slightly different take to this. But once it looks like you have done due diligence and made sure that there bullying going on, the teacher is a good fit, and the material is mostly appropriate. Perhaps instead you should work with him on his mental perspective towards school rather than looking deeper for something else 'wrong'. I am sure the material or assignments are not perfect and parts of it are boring. That is life. I tell my kids that school isn't necessarily fun. No one is going to make all aspects of school thrilling and exciting all of the time. It's your job as a kid to go to school and learn. And that when you get to be an adult most jobs include tasks that individuals don't enjoy and find boring.
My question would be why does he feel that others should 'fix' all his problems and why does he equate that with not feeling heard? I know he is still a kid but your son is old enough to take ownership of his dislike of school and to learn that mom & dad can't fix everything. Particularly when it comes to feelings. Sometimes in a situation all we as parents can do is listen, and acknowledge a child's feelings.

I'm really having a hard time explaining what I mean. But basically I don't expect it's my job to make sure my children are always happy. My son only tolerated school in junior high. People would ask if he liked school and my stock answer was that he enjoyed "math & band" and honestly if he hadn't liked those two subjects I don't know if I could have gotten him to school.