Gifted Issues Discussion homepage Forums General Discussion Is DS really that different?

Testing early helped dispel all the doubts in my mind about whether my son was all that different or not. It also made (still does) all the educational and enrichment choices very hard to the point of being disruptive to my older lifestyle. I changed schools 3 times for DS before age 6, drive a lot to commute to his current school (still looking for a long term solution) and spend countless hours and a lot of money schooling and afterschooling him and hiring tutors/coaches for enrichment activities.

It is lonely and isolating and we as parents cannot "blend in" with the friends and other parents around us.

My DH had serious doubts as to whether my child was gifted because DS was the only child he knew very well and it was impossible for him to think of a child with poor handwriting and a lot of playfulness as a very smart kid despite the testing results. To DH, if our child could achieve some things, then possibly all other kids of that age with similar family backgrounds could do the same things as well. He even thought that both psychologists we tested with could have misunderstood DS and overestimated his abilities! But, things are changing for us on that front since DS turned 6 - every teacher, tutor, coach that works with DS remarks on the speed with which he progresses and assimilates new subject content, how he intuits new concepts before being taught and how he has a remarkable intellect. DH is now sitting on the fence regarding our child's giftedness

My advise is to teach your child what he needs, no matter what age he is. And to make a long term plan for your child and follow it and not worry about what others think or say. You can be intentionally vague if you don't want to give details. I never use the term "gifted" in public, instead say that DS needs more attention than what he was getting at the older school - which is the truth. I am equally vague within the family too - DS is too playful for anyone to think that he is highly gifted and we say that he is good at some things and not so good at other things - again, that is the truth.

Thanks for all your responses. It is always nice to hear from other people experiencing similar things, and I found everyone's comments very helpful, both the stories related and the advice given.

I remember there was a specific incident with mom friends when DD was around 12 months. I won't go into details but the silence was deafening. I learned then to not say anything about DD's development. It was so confusing for me since I was convinced back then that DD was delayed compared to her cousin.

As far as interests go, DD4 is a nerdy 8 year old boy and I'm around a lot of 8 year old boys so DD seems "normal" to me, just not for her age. That's how I explain DD to other parents if they ask me why she can read, do math, etc. I never use the word gifted.

BTW, I find having a musically talented child to be as challenging as having a child who is academically advanced. Some parents are extremely competitive about musical progress and it can be a scary world out there.

Yes, there really is a difference and it will be apparent again and it will carry through in adulthood.

You did an excellent job of describing what you are experiencing. I know exactly what you are talking about.

I like to think of this period when the gifted child is able to blend in to a better extent almost like nature's camouflage. Gifted childhood can be difficult when the child is always standing out positively or negatively. It feels like a 'break' for the entire family when it does not have to be so obvious all of the time.

I actually feel like you can enjoy not having to be so noticeable and just go about your life enjoying the gifts, exploring them, developing them, sharing them if you choose and accomplishing goals.

It is so awkward to have to discuss and state or explain the 'high-IQ' experience, but don't discount the differences, humans wouldn't be monitoring IQ if there was no validity to it. High-IQ people notice it more probably by the very definition of intelligence - intel / data about what is happening in the world around us. You're sensitive and you don't want to be unkind. There are enough documented expressions of gifted people not understanding non-gifted people and vice versa.

Thanks for your post. I appreciated your ability to articulate so well. Best regards.

I completely understand. There are times when I'm acutely aware that DD5 is different from her peers and then there are times when we doubt ourselves. I often wonder whether she's ahead of expectations simply because we, as a family, have academic hobbies / interests and read a lot for fun in general.

I know she is not being challenged in K - her teacher has told me as much. However, I'm right with you on the she's, "only in K, how much can they really do with [her] this year." The problem is my kid is bent on hothousing herself e.g. wanting to spend the entire afternoon doing math or announcing that she's planning to get to level z in her school reading program. I definitely see not being challenged in school causing issues for us down the road. She already expects everything to be incredibly easy for her and when she actually gets something wrong (this always happens at home) she can't handle it emotionally. She's not used to being challenged when it comes to learning.

All of this is terribly isolating. I don't discuss how she's doing in school with anyone. There is another mother at school who does quite a bit of after schooling with her daughter and she recently asked me what math curriculum I'm using with DD. I'm not using a curriculum at this point. We just discuss things as they come up. I even find it difficult to talk about with family. We had a party for DH's birthday and DD had written him a card. One of my in-laws saw the card and I saw her eyes go wide.

I do a lot of down playing and have never used the word gifted to describe her outside of me and DH. If DD were changing schools I don't even think I would mention the academic reasoning, I would just say she needs more support and leave it at that. People can assume whatever they want from that. They are not entitled to know my DDs academic status just as I am not entitled to know the intricate details of their children's school careers.

I totally commiserate with you Dubsyd. Hopefully some of these doubts/concerns will disappear when your DS changes schools and you encounter more parents who are dealing with similar circumstances.

Mana - I didn't mean to trivialise difficulties that I am sure arise with musically gifted children. I am sure there are plenty of challenges. But I remember a student in my primary class leaving our class to go to a specialised music school, and we never questioned why that decision was made. It was clear to us that our school could not meet her specific needs. I am sure you get parents being competitive with sports too. But generally, it seems more socially acceptable to discuss strengths in music and sports.

Thanks for engaging in this discussion with me. I am feeling very positive about our potential school move, and the new school's response to my son thus far has me accepting his differences as real again. We have not received an official offer of a place for him yet though, so fingers crossed.

Digits crossed for you. I hope you hear soon so you can relax and enjoy.

Dubsyd, I didn't take your comments that way at all.

I was mostly vending since I don't feel free to discuss about DD's progress openly with anyone. If I repeated what her teachers say, it'd come across as either being really boastful or delusional...or both.

I think a big part of the problem is that for the K admission process has started so everyone is a bit jumpy. I can't wait for it to be over. We won't find out our results until May so we have many many months of waiting and wanting and more wanting....


Sending you positive thoughts to you and your DS.

Glad you didn't take it that way Mana. I don't envy you your loooong wait. Hopefully it all goes well for you! Sending some positive thoughts back your way too.

I just wanted to update you all to say we have had an offer of a place for DS at the school we applied to. I know it will be a big transition for him, and he will miss his friends, but in the long run, it just feels like it is going to be so much better of a fit.

Congratulations! Change is always stressful but often more in the anticipation, than the actual event. I hope that is the case for you.