Gifted Issues Discussion homepage Forums Parenting and Advocacy Six year old with existential angst

Hi

I've been mostly lurking so far, but reading everyone's posts has been so helpful.

Short intro: My DS (6.5, grade 1) was tested at the beginning of the year and has qualified for our local gifted program. We've declined this for now and are trying him our in the French Immersion school his older sister is at (and loves). His area of strength seems to be languages, and so far it seems to be going well...

Anyway, so this happened...

I was driving him to his karate class yesterday and he casually said to me "Mommy I wish I didn't exist".

Trying to stay calm (and drive without getting into an accident) I say "Oh yes, why is that?"

"I hate everything about myself and wish I didn't exist".


When I tried to get him to be more specific he went into his usual "everything" reply when he doesn't want to answer my questions (as in, "what do you like about this book?"; answer "everything"), and I didn't get anywhere.

He did come up with one thing when I asked him to name something he liked about himself. And I told him that his whole family loves him and thinks he's really great.


The thing is, he wasn't upset, just was so matter-of-fact about it. Then he went to karate had a good time and seemed normal the rest of the evening.


My DD has said something similar once, but then she was obviously upset and we knew the reason.

Has anything like this happened with your kids? What do you say/do??

DD6 goes through occasional phases like this. I don't have any good advice to offer, just that I've been there and it is very unnerving.

I seem to remember a similar thread recently. This is not uncommon. We have BTDT. After a lot of digging we found one episode was triggered by a fear of dying. DD was thinking if she hadn't been born and didn't exist then she wouldn't be afraid of having to leave, to die. It has happened at other times and she is old enough that we can talk about the search for meaning in life. James Webb has good things to say in his article at SENG.

http://www.sengifted.org/archives/articles/existential-depression-in-gifted-individual

I also have this book by Webb

http://www.greatpotentialpress.com/searching-for-meaning

The Webb article and book are both important resources.

Meanwhile, there are rather light-hearted children's books which may help open a discussion about liking one's self, without the child feeling s/he is under scrutiny. I Like Myself!, What I Like About Me, I Like Me, Marvelous Me, Inside and Out.

Thanks for the suggestions and links! I'll take a look.

A quick update - I had the same conversation with him a couple more times since then without getting anywhere. Last week I mentioned it to my daughter's counselor - she said that it's normal for kids that age to have "big emotions" and not know how to express them. Sometimes the emotions are so big that they just say the biggest thing they can think of (e.g. "I want to die"). It's not what they really mean, but they can't express it another way. He may not be able to say what is triggering the big feeling, which is why my "what" questions don't get anywhere.

It kind of rang true for me, so I'm going to try a couple of her suggestions for continuing the conversation, and see where we get. For example, she suggested being curious about how he was feeling "Wow that sounds like a big feeling! Are you feeling really (sad, scared, angry, etc...)?"

He generally seems happy, not depressed. It's just so confusing sometimes, and I feel like I never know the right thing to say...

I agree with Indigo that the Webb book is great. Not to be alarmist, but I think it is always important to take any child's comments about not wanting to live seriously, as you have. If it persists, it might be important to take him to a therapist. Even though six-year-olds cannot always articulate what they are feeling, a skilled child therapist can use play therapy to determine whether there is something more to what is going on. Good luck.

Gail/ www.giftedchallenges.com

Thanks. I think I will call the therapist and see if I can get an appointment for him. His behaviour is so confusing, it's hard to sort out.

On the one hand, there may be some serious feelings happening - for example, he asked me what it would be like not to see. Not just closing your eyes but if you couldn't see at all (as if you were dead). We discussed a little bit and I asked him if he was just curious and he said no, and changed the subject. Also, he told us that another kid at school had said something similar (about hating her life and wanting to die). This seems to be on his mind.

On the other hand, he's figured out how to use this kind of talk to push our buttons. E.g. He was playing his video game. Time was up (pre-agreed) for that activity so I had him turn it off. He kind of smirked at me and said "I hate myself and I want to die". I asked him if he was just mad at me for making him stop playing and he said he didn't want to talk about it and changed the subject. He does similar things to DH.

But mostly he seems happy and normal - running around, playing with his toys, joking with us...

It sounds like there is something he doesn't like about himself and he's struggling to accept himself because of it? (from your first account of him saying this)

It sounds like your therapist is suggesting Active Listening - i.e. you try to catch the message your son is sending you rather than the actual words. You then validate what they are feeling - sometimes all they need is to feel heard, understood, and that it's ok to have the feelings they do. Usually they will guide you if you haven't caught the message right (like his saying he doesn't want to talk about it), or saying "no, I'm not (scared/angry)" etc.

It does sound like he's also using this to push your buttons as he can see his words concern you, but I think a session with the therapist is probably a good idea ITO working out how deep this goes.