Gifted Issues Discussion homepage Forums Age or Ability Specific Forums Elementary School When they pretend like they can't

Does your kid do this? My DD (8) and DS (almost 5) are so different. DD never hides her abilities. It would never occur to her to do so. I vaguely recall she had a brief phase in which she would say "I can't" about reading, but it really meant "I can't read absolutely every word I ever see". She started reading CVC words around age 3 and was reading chapter books (Magic Tree House was a favorite) by age 5.

DS is a VERY different child. He didn't care to learn to read until one day around a year ago, when he said he would LIKE to read now please, so we got some BOB books and proceeded to "study" them. He has continuously maintained ever since that he "can't read" and without application of great bribery, typically will not read aloud from a book. But, this morning his new teachers at his new Montessori preschool (3-6 room), where he's been for 9 half-days, tell me they had to visit the library to get some Step 2 readers for him, because everything they already had was too easy. But they can't ever look like they're testing him in any way about any skill, because then he will TOTALLY refuse to do anything.

How do you/did you handle this? I've been waiting it out, but it kinda drives me nuts. Commiseration and/or advice welcomed.

But they can't ever look like they're testing him in any way about any skill, because then he will TOTALLY refuse to do anything.

Honestly, I chalk this one up to an artifact related to asynchrony, and peculiar to a particular type of HG child-- the one with a high need for autonomy and a wide oppositional streak, probably also with a distinct mischievous streak. At least that sums it up in my DD, along with her perfectionistic tendencies. In other words, she demonstrates:

1) nothing that isn't at "mastery" level-- learning is private and internal, evidently, where it occurs at all; and
2) nothing upon DEMAND; skills are demonstrated intrinsically or not at all.

Point 1 has required a LOT of remediation, and point 2 is something you'll just have to wait out, I'm afraid. It required DD being 8-10yo before she could do what others asked her to "show" this way-- she found it more entertaining to win the power struggle until then.

You do have my sympathies, however.

This was my DD for many years when she was young. For example, she spoke VERY early and well, but the day I put her on the phone with my mom and said something like "show off for grandma" she stopped speaking for close to a year and only started again when she was capable of perfect complex sentences. She'd mutter under her breath, but nothing else until she was ready.

Ugh, yes. If DS perceives so much as a hint of testing, he switches into full-on subversive mode. I've never seen a child with such a calculated deadpan. To him, the pleasure from having someone on far exceeds the pleasure of parental (or grandparental) approbation. At least he's intrinsically motivated!!

For example, DH had never seen DS read until this past weekend, and DS has been reading for over a year!

Modelling, Socratic dialog, tangential discussions, guide but never emit, appreciate but never gush or evaluate. Be prepared to heavily screen for authoritarian teachers in the future.

For DS, building his own critique has helped make him more confident in evaluating incoming criticism as another factor to consider rather than as a force to reckon with. It's probably easier for him being an extravert, vs. myself as an introvert.

I've got the same going on right now with DD4. She can do all sorts of things but pretends like she can't. She particularly likes to play this game at gymnastics. She is very capable there and has been accelerated. The typical routine is as follows: the teacher shows her the next thing to do. DD masters it on the first try. But usually the teacher will ask her to do it maybe 2 more times. On the subsequent tries she does an AWFUL fail with great drama. "I can't dooooo that." The teacher gets a little frustrated. I advised the teacher to try to look away a bit when it's time for DD to do her thing again. (She does the same thing with reading and all sorts of things.)

DD has been mischievous from birth. So I am not surprised that she does this. She likes getting the adults all engaged. I just try to keep the emotional volume low and not react too much. And I also do what Zen Scanner suggested, particularly "guide but never emit, appreciate but never gush". DD will shred any authoritarian teacher to pieces in seconds. She is a sweet, beautiful, cuddly little shark. Thank goodness her preschool teachers are as talented as they are.

I'm grinning at this description:

She is a sweet, beautiful, cuddly little shark.

YES.

I never, EVER underestimate DD's potential for this kind of thing. Ever. My responses to DD's outbursts (which are admittedly a bit rare now that she's a teen) often strike others as callous or even a bit... chilly... but-- I've learned.

A highly Socratic method was for many years the ONLY mode of learning and evaluation that was feasible with DD. If you made the demonstration of the skill an assumption, or a condition of participation, well-- it took care of itself. If you made it the main event, fuhgeddaboudit. You had just embarked on the express train to Hades, with stops only at "you can't make me" and "I'll show YOU."


I also learned to trust my gut. If I saw something once-- I had to evaluate based on very limited data. So could my DD actually write like a 9th grader? Well, most of the time, I'd have been hard pressed to say so. On the other hand, I did see her do this once when she lost a file and needed to turn something in the following day-- she banged out a 3 page paper with full citations in just a couple of hours. So I had to be content with the fact that she COULD do it-- but only when she chose to.

DD8 is a perfectionist and I'd've expected this from her. But when it comes to academic stuff, she'll try something once, flail about crying about she can't, and then do it perfectly the next day.

Whereas DS4 is usually a wild child, reckless, mischievous, do-it-on-a-whim sort of child for everything that ISN'T academic. Climb right up the tallest thing on a playground? In a flash. Jump in the pool even thought he knows he can't swim? Done that--2 weeks ago. Bike off a 3-foot retaining wall? check. He said his first words around 8mo, just like DD, but didn't develop great vocabulary or clarity early, and he still gets word tenses screwed up. (Not that I would dare correct him, not after dealing with The World's Biggest Perfectionist Talker for years.)

He DOES like to play the quizmaster, though. He'll ask me all kinds of questions to which he actually knows the answer, or at least most of the answer. Like he's just testing me. "Why doesn't the car fall off the road into space, Mommy?" "Why do you think, DS?" "Oh, because of gravity."x1000.

My mother took me and my brother to our IQ test for the gifted program at the same time (we had just switched schools). I went first, and took quite a long time to get finished, so my brother had to sit around in the waiting room for a long time. Finally it was his turn, and Mom settled in to wait with me. But he came out in like half the time! So she headed home with us. On the way, my brother piped up, "Mommy, I tricked that lady!" She asked how. "She kept asking me silly questions. But if I answered wrong, she stopped and asked me about something else!"

He still squeaked into the gifted program, thank goodness. But he was a lot smarter than his IQ test scores would suggest.

When DD was 7 she took a photography class through a gifted summer program. She had a wonderful time and brought home a bunch of wonderful photographs. We were so proud, we decided to frame them for her as a surprise. What a mistake! Too much enthusiasm on our parts and she decided she wasn't that into photography anyway.