Gifted Issues Discussion homepage Forums General Discussion You know you're parenting a gifted child when...

And that's fair if there's a legitimate reason for following a predetermined course of action, like wearing seat belts or not massively impeding classmates' ability to learn. But there is a strong undercurrent in North American culture of either spoiling children and giving them anything they want or expecting mindless conformity, with no middle ground. Why not teach kids to be good citizens and empower them with the ability to self-advocate on reasonable terms?

It's also a question of determining the guiding principles of justice in your home. For us, we follow a Pareto efficiency approach--we want a negotiation to be a Pareto improvement, resulting in everyone collectively at least as well off as before the negotiation, with no person worse off. Otherwise, the negotiation doesn't happen. DH and I actively use parental veto when needed because we're parents and have better judgment than DS on account of experience and perspective, and that's teaching DS that he has to be reasonable.
We definitely still end up with some red faced, teary "waaaaah"s, but that's part of the learning process.

A lot of adults dislike this for reasons that reflect poorly on the adult, so there's nothing you can do there.

Then again, it's also important for the child to learn when to stop.

The third choice that my DD was pushing for without actually saying it involved giving a spot already taken by a much older child to DD. DD knew if she made big enough of a scene, the older child who is a real sweet heart would have felt pressured to yield to her but her teacher wasn't having it. Yes, I realize I have an extremely manipulative child.

DD now gets to "park" her concerns/objections until a designated time and discuss them for a limited amount of time 1:1 with her teacher. It seems to be working for now and I like that DD is learning to calmly state her position after a cool down period. I should try this at home too.

We've tried to explain to DD about how relationships work at home and school but you know, she doesn't exactly accept that things need to remain the same.

Mana, you've got a great teacher. That strategy sounds really workable.

I absolutely agree. However, said adults can make it very hard for children in the meantime.

Some people are very careful about where their kids go and what environments they are in. This is not us. I am not one to heavily vet my children's experiences beforehand. I don't hang around, I am not a "class parent" type, and I don't involve myself too much with my kids' classes and experiences. (I find a lot of teachers prefer this anyway.) They go to like 10 different summer camps and most of the time I know not much about those adults at all when I leave my children there in the morning. Therefore, my children encounter a wide range of adult authority figures and need to be able to comply with them and not make them angry. While DD has improved, she is still not a very adult-lovable child due to her intense desire to negotiate and question. In some ways, I love this about her, but in other ways, I think we went a bit astray early on. I don't know that we 100% did her a favor by allowing all this back and forth. Everybody else's MMV, but I think it's one of these things that sometimes becomes more clear as children get older....

Oh you guys...seriously...I'm almost in tears I'm so happy to know other people's children argue with them effectively!

I try to teach the older ones how to tell from tone when an authority figure has had enough but the little one? I just have her tell people she's precocious. At lease most teacher/adult people see that as a cute/positive thing and I'm hoping that saves her because otherwise I'm going to butt heads with teachers again and I'm praying those days are behind us.

My own addition? I knew I was parenting a gifted child when she asked, "Why does the teacher get mad at me for looking out the window but won't let me read a book?" (She was finished with her in class work twenty minutes earlier than the scheduled end time.)

I don't know, sweetie, I don't know....

When your 3 yo regularly gives very good advice for you that also sneakily servers her own purposes. Ie. She suggests your favorite meal from a restaurant that is right next to the pet store where she can later ask you to get her dog a doggy treat "since we are already here."

....when your 5 year old, out of the blue, states (with no instruction), "You know that 12 squared equals 144"

It's another round of, "He scored low only because the answers he was giving were WAY too complicated for the WPPSI and I can't tell him to just give the obvious answer and move on. And then toward the end he got bored and gave the shortest answer he could think of, appended with 'and that's all.'"

Aufilia, check your PMs.