Gifted Issues Discussion homepage Forums Age or Ability Specific Forums Elementary School Starting to worry about age difference

My children are young for grade, and fairly extreme 2Es.

DS7 is very young for grade, with classmates 2+ years older in some cases. He is very obviously young (chronologically, size, maturity, attention span) and yet wants to talk about topics that friends don't like/understand yet. "On average" he is properly placed-- but there is no "on average," just things that work and things that don't.

How we handle it is to problem-solve issues as they arise. There is not much point fretting over the possibility that things won't fit well later. There is only solving problems that can be solved when they arise.

I will also say that my standards have changed. My kids are not cut out to be "in crowd" people, and neither were DH and I, and yet we are reasonably happy and sociable adults. A lot of parents here micromanage their kids' social lives to make them popular or socially successful. We try to make sure our kids have rewarding experiences with other kids, but we are not trying to put them in the center of the school's social life.

We have seen that in middle school, the kids tend to group themselves more by shared interests (no longer by mom friendships or neighborhoods). This helps a lot. We just have to get through elementary first, which is a much more lockstep experience.

As others have observed (HK, DD), it comes down to accepting that there will be no perfect placement (the value of a perfectly synchronous placement is another discussion altogether). It's just a question of which asynchrony you can tolerate the best.

The dominant culture has a high value for chronological-age ghettos, which is rather at odds with the real world of adult work & (one hopes) community.

And let's not forget that those at the top of the social ladder in adolescence generally have reached their peak; it is difficult to maintain that kind of social status outside of the closed system of high school, and they have not acquired skills for dealing with a drop in status.

Learning how to understand other people and oneself, to be a compassionate friend, and to be both principled and forgiving in relationships are all much more important than fitting in. And will lead to true friendships over the long term.

My DS6 is big for his age. He is also the youngest in several activities at which he has been in for a few years. He hangs out with kids older than him routinely. I never saw a problem with that - because my DS is so social, I love to see him interacting with kids of all ages and see that the other kids like and include him in everything. In one enrichment activity, there is a 13 year old boy who has been DS's friend for 3 years now and keeps an eye out for him if he needs help.
The interesting thing is that recently, DS has started taking other 4-5 year olds who are new to his clubs/groups under his wing and helping them out.
So, to the OP, give it a few years and maybe your DD will have a younger friend who she is helping out at school too.

Totally agree. My kids have plenty of opportunities for social problem-solving. It is not always smooth, but I'm hoping their effort to understand peers (in general, age and otherwise) will pay off...

DS6 (gr2) is 25th centile for height and due to skipping one year has boys 6 months to 18 months older in his class. He is one of the shortest but no-one cares. He is friends with both the older and younger boys and enjoys going up to gr 3 for some subjects. Last year he thought we may have missed a birthday over the years and told everyone he was a year older than he was. This year he has worked out that being younger is not a bad thing and happily gives his true age (not that he is asked much at school anymore). The kids don't care, its the adults that might!

DS9 is two years ahead in a mixed-aged classroom, so most of his friends are 10-12 years old. He's tall, so he doesn't stand out as much as he might otherwise, but there's a big physical difference between a 9-year-old and a 12-year-old regardless. Fortunately, DS is mature enough and quick enough that most kids quickly forget his age and accept him as-is. Personally, I felt weird enough about inviting 12 year old kids to DS's 9th birthday party that I left the age off of the invitation and the cake, but every one of the older kids came, and they clearly enjoyed DS's company. So, it's working for us so far.

DS8 is in the 97th percentile for height and weight, and has always been the biggest kid in his classes. He loves to make friends with kids both older and younger than him.

He was being bullied by a little boy his age who did not come up to his shoulder last year. So...it's more about your own confidence, how you carry yourself, and what you will tolerate from other people than it is about your size or your age, IMNSHO.

There was a major story last year in which a pro football player was the victim of bullying. He is over 300 pounds and pushes other beefy people around for a living. So you're right, it's not just about size.

In the case of the sports story, the main perpetrator was another offensive lineman himself, who was joined in his behavior by other teammates, and who enjoyed special status as a member of the team leadership council, so there still remained a significant difference of power between the victim and the perps.

Bullying is often encouraged by a perceived difference in power between victim and perp, and being larger means there's a physical difference of power, so size still matters.

MsFriz: it's funny you say that about the birthday cake. DD(4) is more than happy to share exactly how many more months until she turns 5 but it always makes me a bit insecure. We have to have her birthday party early this year because I'm due with #3 in Nov and her birthday is December. So I'm having it mid-October and am so tempted to not put her age on anything.
Due to her class being Montessori she only has 8 kids in her "group" within the mixed age class of 23, meaning only 4 girls that are third year (kindergarten) so the girls get close.

The moms asked me at the end of the year party how old she was (thinking all of the girls were the same age and "how fun" that they are so close in age). It was June & I said DD will be 5 "soon" ha! I find I say that so often, even this summer.

Our DD started K last fall at 3.5. Several of her classmates were already 6 when school started, or shortly thereafter, so there was a big age disparity. But, according to her teachers' reports throughout the year, and our own observations, it was never an issue with the kids. She fit in well with the group as a whole, and bonded very closely with another little girl more than two years older than she is. So it hasn't become a social issue for her (yet, who knows what later ages/years may bring).

That being said, it was not all smooth sailing. The parents were the problem. There was a group of parents up in arms over her placement, and it took a long time to bring them around. Like GHS, I felt like I needed to refrain from drawing attention to her chronological age whenever possible. So disappointing.