Gifted Issues Discussion homepage Forums General Discussion Need Advice about son at Duke TIP camp

Thank you all for great advice and feedback. He made it two weeks (out of 3).

Today he went home for a home visit with my husband (I am out of town), and broke down. He seemed to adjust for the two weeks, but was quite distraught today. I am returning tomorrow early from my trip and he will not return to camp.

In hindsight, this was a very expensive experiment. Going from home school to 3 weeks away just wasn't a good fit. The Duke people really tried to accommodate, and I think if we had chosen his course better, it might have been different. I really thought he would love being away from us!

I am concerned his independence will be "set-back" but he is quite comfortable doing most other stuff without us, it was the lack of coming home that seemed to bother him.

In most cultures, children/adult children don't leave the home until they get married, even after college! In South America, Europe, Asia, and most parts of the world this is true. We mock this in our culture, even though we are the anomaly. Next summer he will be getting a job!

Thanks for the update. Sorry to hear it didn't work out for him. I agree that it was probably tough going from never being away at all to without parents to 3 weeks for the first time. Sorry to hear it was so rough for him, sounds like it just wasn't a good fit.

As to kids leaving home I think it totally depends on the kid. Both my kids love getting away from home and it does them a lot of good learning to be independent from mom. (My son can't wait to start camp in two weeks.) My daughter choose to go to college on the other side of the U.S. but she does spend her summers at home and I expect she will move back with us for at least a while after graduating. And while many culture don't push for kids to move far away or leave home, there are just as many that expect kids to be completely on thie own by 18. What works for one kid/family doesn't work for them all. Honestly, I think this is partially an economic issue.

Thank you for telling us how it went. I am sitting here feeling very very proud of your son even though I don't know you or him. It isn't brave to go away if it is what you enjoy and you want to do. It is incredibly brave to go away when it is well outside your comfort zone. He made it, not for a day or two but for two weeks! That is fantastic. It is an achievement on every level. And it will make it easier to go away again, even for much shorter periods, because he knows it is ok to come home if he wants to. Well done to all of you. It is not easy to watch our kids stretching themselves. Take a deep breath. Give him a cuddle and pat yourselves on the back.

Not leaving home until you get married doesn't mean never going away for a week or three though.

Been thinking of this post and wanted another way to explain things. I am sure it's very disappointing for all of you that this particular camp didn't work, and frustrating because of the price. I like to think of these things as a learning experience and move on. You don't need to go to extremes and assume that because this situation didn't work that he will want to live with you till he is married.

My analogy for what it's worth. I am teaching my kids to cook a meal. (Having them choose what to cook, cooking the entire meal.) I consider this an important life skill. Say my son chooses to cook something that is expensive & complex and it gets ruined. The food is burnt, and completely inedible. And we have to eat PB&J or go out to eat. We are all justifiably hungry and frustrated, and disappointed that night. The ingredients were expensive and we were looking forward to the meal. Multiple possible things went wrong, maybe I didn't supervise enough, he wasn't ready for something so complex. Do I look at this situation laugh, decide it's a learning experience, re-evaluate how will will change things the next time he cooks and encourage him to keep trying. Or do I decide my son will never learn to cook. And justify it because boys don't need to cook anyway, they don't in many places around the wold it's only our culture that thinks boys should cook.

I'm not saying that a job next year might be the right thing for your son, and no I probably wouldn't sent him back to this camp. I am just trying to say, learn from this mistake and support your son. I find we often learn more from things that went wrong, than the things that go right. Kids/teens grow non-linearly and while this wasn't the right thing at the right time. Pulling him out and having him trust you that when things get bad you have his back is important. In another year or two he will probably be a much more mature teenager. Maybe find some less expensive, shorter way he can be away from home for a period of time when he is ready. Maybe a trip to a relative on his own, or a weekend camping trip with friends.

Well, I most certainly do see the two weeks as a success, not a failure! We have consulted our family psychologist who has know him since he was 5 and was the first to identify him as PG. And, he will follow up with him and figure out the best way to frame this for his own growth.

It is hard when you have the mind of a college student/graduate student in the body of young teen! We do the best we can.

He spent a week at my sisters house with his cousins this past winter break, flew by himself, and did great! Also, he petitioned heavily to attend boarding school this coming year! We visited 3 schools and he was accepted to all 3. We actually have been putting off a decision because my husband is changing jobs, and, we wanted to see how this experience went : )

I didn't mean to imply that "that is it," he is home until he is married! Just that the ideal (or the norm) of independence isn't cutting the cord at 18 and that is that.

I do appreciate this forum! I also appreciate my intelligent, intense, quirky, unique, son! Got home last night, cutting my travels by 4 days, and we all had a great night, and it is nice to fall back into our rhythm. I love our family.