Gifted Issues Discussion homepage Forums Parenting and Advocacy Frustration with communication

As a young child, DS was able to express very complex thoughts for his age.

In kindergarten, when called on to answer a question during a field trip, he eloquently explained the complete lifecycle of monarch butterflies. When he finished, the parents in the room were so impressed that they gasped and applauded his answer.

In first grade, he began struggling to find the words to express his deepest thoughts. To compensate, he often used metaphors or mathematics. For example, when trying to explain the difference he perceived with his peers, he spoke of people as puzzle pieces of different shapes, explained to me that not every piece could fit into every space and asked me to help him decide what kind of puzzle piece he was.

He's now 8 and has great difficultly articulating his thoughts. He came up to me this morning and said, "Dad! Why do... Why does... Arrrrghhhh! Why isn't there ever a word for what I want to say!?!!" He was so frustrated that he refused to talk to me for several minutes.

Has anyone experienced this? Do you have any ideas on ways I can help him?

Experienced, yes.

We just muddled through it. DD11 would beat herself up over the inability to communicate and so we had to constantly reassure her that it was ok, and give her extra time. She is very visual and slow to process/put concepts to words in general.

One pitfall to watch out for: she spent several years angry at me for not reading her mind. Apparently I had been able to follow what she couldn't quite articulate up through age 7-8, so when her thoughts got deeper and more original and I couldn't follow them anymore without adequate language, she thought I was being deliberately obtuse. Now she just seems to feel isolated. A year ago she had given up on communicating much of import; now she's trying a little again, but without much hope. (This only seems to affect things she cares deeply about; everyday information and play are unaffected, but emotions and math and birdwatching all can be. I think she cares more about communicating precisely in those areas.)

No great advice here, but I can identify with your DS. I actually remember similar feelings of frustration throughout most of my childhood. I have one particularly distinct memory (from around 4 years old) of being very frustrated with my father for not understanding what I was trying to tell him. My preschool reasoning went something like this - My dad is the smartest guy I know. Because he is smart, he should be able to understand me. If he does not understand me, he must not be trying hard enough.

Interestingly I recall not being frustrated with people who I did not classify as "smart". So maybe the frustration is actually a complement?

It didn't take me long to see that my own inability to present information was a major factor. As an adult, I still struggle with explaining my thoughts at times. There was a book I loved when I was young called Piggle that presented communication dilemmas in a "Who's on First?" manner. I really identified with it. Maybe your child would enjoy it?

@ljoy: Your story sounds similar. DS8 gets frustrated with me for not understanding him. It's strange, because he has no problem explaining how to turn a hollow cube inside out using the fourth dimension. However, if it's something more basic, then the frustration rapidly sets in. Perhaps it's another manifestation of emotional intensity and perfectionism.

@KathrynH: I too have difficulty as an adult. The level of difficulty is related to the confidence my listener has in my intelligence. I perform best when speaking to people who think I'm intelligent (regardless of their own intelligence) and I perform worst when attempting to communicate with people who can't see it or don't value it.

More precisely, I communicate well with people who are willing to put some effort into understanding what I say and I communicate less well with people who don't want to learn from me and expect everything I say to fit neatly into the framework they already use to understand the world.

Because of this, I put tremendous energy into understanding other peoples' perspectives and deconstructing their world views. This allows me to transform my ideas into a form they can more easily digest.

So how does that help with DS8? I'll have to give it some thought. The skills may (or may not) come in time, but perhaps I can help by exposing him to more vocabulary, more structured exercises and more role models.

I would attempt to draw him out and get him to describe the thing he's trying to label. Maybe there is a name for it, and you can help him with that. Maybe there isn't, and he can make up a name for it himself.

Either way, you'd also be helping him develop more flexibility in his language, and that's an important skill. It's not helpful, for instance, to only use the proper terminology if your audience doesn't know what those terms mean, so you have to be able to adapt. I've also found it helpful in expressing myself in foreign languages in which I'm far less than fluent.

Could be a simple conflict between appropriate scale of the communication contrasted with the complexity of the thought. Elegance is not an easy, early skill.

There are also memory and motor planning executive function stuff that can be really challenging to balance.

Could also be a feedback loop sort of issue within the stuttering arc; any anxiety the pause itself causes takes away from the processing needed to find/form the right word.

@Dude: I like the idea. Maybe we can play a game with describing abstract concepts that have no existing terminology. For example, draw a picture of a bizarre animal or other object that doesn't exist and attempt to describe it.

@Zen: It's interesting that you inferred stuttering from my post. DS8 doesn't stutter letters or words (e.g., "t.. t.. t.. top"), but he does occasionally stutter phrases. For example, "Where is ... where is ... where is the bologna?" My impression is that it's caused by him not being able to recall the words he wants to use in real-time, perhaps because he's self-analyzing or otherwise preoccupied as he talks.

Many people would use "..uh.." in these places, but he tends to restart his sentence. He does have a minor speech issue when talking rapidly (/r/ as /w/). Starting Monday, we'll be seeing a speech therapist to help with this. Perhaps it will build his confidence and help with the other issues.