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    #187154 04/04/14 12:59 PM
    Joined: Mar 2014
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    My very social, easy going, happy DS6 just confessed to me on a car ride home from an event this week that he is very lonely in Kindergarten. We are on Spring Break so I'm wondering if he's been processing this all week. It sort of broke my heart.

    He's very engaged in his class and has classroom "friends", but I think he is starting to feel separate and different. He had one almost peer. Another boy who almost reads where he is at (5-6th grade), but he told me they "broke up" because all this boy talks about is video games and fighting ninjas. He has no interest in that kind of play and would rather talk about science, play music or put on a play.

    He's in 1/2 day Spanish immersion which we thought would be more challenging for him, but that's a whole other long story. Due to private testing we are switching schools and back to English for 1st grade before he can enter the separate gifted classroom in 2nd grade. We are meeting with the school next week to discuss clustering and differentiation for the next year. We are also hoping the move will open him up to more friendship opportunities with like minded kids who love to learn as much as he does! This is a very new adventure for all of us!

    We are also trying to do more events with the local gifted community hoping he will find more kids to engage with, and he has loved these events! But it's not the same as every day at school with friends.

    If anyone has an idea of how to discuss this with him so he feels better I would appreciate it. He's an only child and as much as he loves his big puppy it's not quite the same as a sibling or best friend. Thanks for any feedback!

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    I'm hoping someone else can help you with this. I've experienced it myself and with my dc's, but I don't have good advice, I think. We have waffled, ineffectually, between two approaches. One is to try to get dc to connect with others on their level. The conversation goes like this (dc at age 9 but basically it was the same conversation all the way through):

    DC: But I can't talk to people at school. They aren't interested in anything interesting. No one else is [reading OLIVER TWIST or SOCIOLOGY FOR DUMMIES or wondering about bird evolution].

    ME: Can't you talk to them about what they are interested in?

    DC: But I don't care about [baseball, pop music, etc.]

    ME: Sometimes we just have to get along. Sometimes we just make conversation.

    DC: But it makes me tired. And they won't be my real friends if I'm just pretending.

    ME: [silence]

    The other approach is just to realize that life can be kind of lonely in this sense and just deal with it. That's kind of a big thought, though, for a kid. We have found a few camps and programs with great kids that dc can connect with at a high level through shared interests. But, as you say, that's not the same as having school-day connections.

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    We have this problem with my second grader. Though he is interested in what the other kids like he takes it beyond that level. Instead of just talking about some simple ninja game he wants to talk about the history of it or relate it in real world situation when the other kids are happy to just 'be a ninja'. My son always wants to make the game more involved but kids don't want to listen to him explaining out some complicated scheme. (I chose ninja as an example but it the topics are endless).


    Because of this he has on many occasions told me that so and so is no longer friends. My son is SO kind he doesn't understand the complexities of mean kids.

    Joined: Dec 2009
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    We never completely solved this problem for my D who just turned 19 through the normal school route, especially in lower and middle school. Statistically they just aren't going to find kids like themselves in their classroom, or even maybe in their school. Some things that helped over the years:
    - Encouraging her to try activities that might draw other gifted kids. Chess club, science or math club, book club at the library.
    - Once she got old enough for there to be more school activities, she got involved in Quiz Bowl, Debate, and Robotics - all "smart kid" activities. There are some Robotics activities (Lego league?) for younger kids, so you might look into that.
    - In high school she started to meet some more kids in the honors/AP classes, and by the end of high school had a nice core group of mostly gifted friends.
    - I made her do a sport (just something for exercise, I didn't care what) through high school. She picked fencing, and that is also a magnet for smart kids -- she made a couple of friends there.
    - Take tests through the local talent searches (TIPS, CTY, MATS); you will get mailings and information on activities that might be a fit. That is where we heard about Davidson THINK, which was a godsend for my daughter when she attended. THOSE were her people. She also got invited to participate in an online gifted kid forum where she found friends like herself in the virtual world (great thing in middle school).
    - I participated in a lot of activities with her. We collected insects and monitored a bluebird trail together for years. We took vacations where we visited particle accelerators, science museums and about every other kind of museum you could imagine, went tidepooling, visited aquariums, raptor centers, etc. I just figured if she couldn't find friends her own age, I was interested in a lot of the things she was -- so we would make it work until we could expand her pool of contacts and her universe enough so she could find more people on her own.
    - Eventually she went to college, and she picked the most academically challenging colleges she could find. And is now a very happy freshman now with a lot of friends who are much like her.

    So it wasn't quick or easy, and we tried a lot of stuff over the years.

    Joined: Apr 2012
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    My DD6 is going through something similar now in 1st grade. She sometimes plays with her classmates, but her best time in school was back in the fall when she hooked up with a few 3rd grade girls and collected worms in the playground. It's clear she hasn't really connected with any of the kids in her class. I've asked the teacher about it, and she says that DD just talks on a different level from the other kids, and they don't seem to get her a lot of the time.

    Have you talked to the teacher to find out what kinds of interactions your son has with his classmates? Does he try to engage them but is rebuffed? Does he tend to go off and ignore everyone? Is the fact that he's in an immersion program a possible issue?

    Our solution is...we haven't found one yet that doesn't involve pulling her out of school.

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    We have seen our daughter's heart get broken over the last few years, before we knew that she was gifted and we didn't understand what was going on. In K and 1st she chose one child to befriend and then was devastated when they told her that they didn't like her anymore. She even went to them later and asked what was happening, and the little girls could not answer besides "I don't want to be with you." The teachers told us that she would often play by herself on the playground. It was so painful to see our little one so hurt. She made the decision then (she told me this) that it was easier to be by herself.
    We have done social skills groups, and she is currently in Girl Scouts, chess, and Sat. culture class and dance. She seems to have better conversations with older girls, but will actively play with girls her own age.
    I am hoping that since she is crazy for photography and film editing that she will find kindred spirits in a summer photo camp.
    So, no big ideas - still waiting here for "good" friends by finding the right fit in a common interest group.

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    We have had similar issues with DS6. We are hoping a classroom change next year will help. He'll be in a 6-12 year old mixed class.

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    oh boy my dd 4 (just about) is starting to go through this now and I'm freaking out because I was that girl at school with no friends. I just dropped her off at a birthday party and the host didn't even recognise her (her mother invited dd) it was a bit of a shock but dd didn't seem too concerned. I guess I'll talk to her about it later. Her kindy teachers say that she's happy alone but is getting to know some of the quieter kids and appears to be making friends. I'm quite scared because just like OP she has always been super social and confident - it just seems now that the developmental differences are getting too great for 4 year olds to be diplomatic about. I don't know many kids that age that like to be mother henned by a younger kid who can talk circles round them. argh. investigated one day gifted pre school for her for the social scene but worried that she won't be gifted "enough" to fit in there either...

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    No advice, but can relate. Ds7 is in 1st grade. He has had no friends the last two years. We were completely aghast, because he was named "norm" from Cheers at church preschool- very social, confident, and happy.

    We've struggled with what to do. The school has been unsupportive. Since he talks to kids, the teacher thinks he's fine. He's not. He plays alone 4-5 days/ week.

    We are sending him to a hg private school next year. Hoping this will be an improvement.

    Good luck. Wish I could offer more help! Validate feelings. Keep us posted!

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    I have had similar issues with DS15. He has had his ups and downs with finding friends. My son made a good friend in 2nd but he moved across country in 5th grade. As as a H.S. freshman is only just now making new friends after alienating other kids in junior high. Junior high was the age I heard this refrain the most. What the other kids talked about, and the computer games they played were all stupid and boring. I wish I could give you a ton of good suggestions, but other than the standard ones already mentioned by earlier posts it's an area I feel I've failed my DS. The one thing I did do right was to push him into playing a band instrument, he loves H.S. Marching Band.

    One thing I did find out, trying to sign DS up to a million activities backfired. It's easy to over schedule kids these days. My son really is introverted and gets really irritable if he doesn't have some downtime everyday.

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