Gifted Issues Discussion homepage Forums Parenting and Advocacy How do you discipline a PG 6 year old???

HK, your DD, sounds like one of mine. a swat on the diaper (2yrs) was the only thing she responded to at all. If you put her in timeout with nothing around her, she would play itsy bitsy spider and thoroughly entertain herself. I started just counting to 2 because I started at 5 and she without fail waited for 4. so I changed strategies. Now all I have to do is hold one finger up and whatever it is is over. She is 8 and a very good child with a lot of spunk but geared toward the right things. she will follow rules but will tell anyone if she thinks a rule is silly. She is, I think, a good balance of respectful yet definitely not a conformist. I pick my battles but if it is a battle that I deem worthy, I am consistent and I am the parent. Respecting others are truthfulness are the top priorities.

Reminds me of another thing we did when DS was 3 to 4 and could get pretty wound up, particularly in the car or public places. We used a point system where if it ever reached five points meant he'd miss out on something. We'd give plusses and minuses throughout a trip. The mystery result and the scoring meant: A. We rarely had to enforce it (and when we did, I'd just say: "guess you'll never know") B. We didn't have to have any awkward or disruptive disciplining in the car or public places C. Zen

Yup-- I'm big on "discipline is a bit like a box of chocolates" with our DD. We definitely don't TELL her what a consequence WOULD be for the asking. She never quite knows what might be coming-- just that it will relate to some kind of natural consequence... and be unpleasant in (probably) direct proportion to the lesson which needs learning.

Probably.

Oh, and that mom and dad are pretty much endlessly creative and HG+ ourselves. Best not to forget that bit.

My DH actually did Zen training for years. We have been together for many years and I feel a lot of his Zen-ness has rubbed off on me (with zero Zen or any kind of meditative training).

You've gotten lots of great responses from others. You are right, parenting a PG child is very different. But they are all still children who WANT and DON'T WANT things. It is up to the parent to figure out what those things are and use them to either reinforce or extinguish behaviors in a child. As long as you are consistent in providing the consequence - and that is key - you can get a pretty good handle on things.

In our house we don't use any physical punishment. No judgment for those who do. We choose a (very) few things that are strictly verboten (ex. physical or verbal violence against others or intentional massive destruction of property). These violations always meet our imposed consequence instantly. Then there are all the other "softer" violations. As much as possible, we use natural consequences. To use your argumentative situation example - if the child is being rude. My children know that I can't "hear" them if they are rude to me. So, if they are speaking rudely to me, I can't engage in their conversation and therefore can't discuss whatever it is that they want to discuss. The rude talking is met with my silence. This is very upsetting to my kids - now. Someday this method may not work and so I will have to change the response.

"The other day I told him he needs to try to listen better. His response: "What is listen? What do you listen with? Your eyes? Some other body part?", said with a smirk."

To help you here - "trying to listen better" - to me this is a vague request and he is punching holes in it. Try to really figure out what behavior you are looking for. Are you looking for respect? Are you looking for him to complete a task? For example, for several days recently, DS7 was not "listening" when I was asking him to turn off the computer. When I told him, "if you would like to play on the computer tomorrow, you need to turn off the computer in 5 minutes", he didn't "listen" to me. The following day, he was not allowed to play on the computer. The day after that, he was able to "listen" very well!

I can't tell you how important it is to sort out what you REALLY want from your child and then how critical it is to follow through with the consequence.

Oh and rewards for the desired behavior is important too!

Thank you all so much! I am starting to practice a lot of the suggestions and it feel right. I needed a refresher. What I was doing was not working.

ZenScanner, I like the point system. Great idea.

Somewhereonearth, I think you are spot on with the "not listening" comment. I think I am pretty vague. I will make sure I specifically let him know what he was not listening to.

Also, I love the "Can't hear" idea. I honestly feel that will be very helpful. I am planning on ignoring the eye rolling, jokingly talking back etc. when I am trying to explain what he did wrong. It doesn't work at all. If anything I think he is having a blast with it. Seeing me get frustrated trying to get his attention back to the issue, all the while he is playing around with words I am saying, making jokes, twisting things around etc. It is a losing battle.

Again, thanks to everyone!

We don't punish, or reward. I'm with Dude, it's more about mutual respect. DD knows the family rules and abides by them, as do we all. We don't ignore her, or roll our eyes at her, or talk back, and she doesn't do it to us. If she ever is grouchy, it's because she's tired or stressed or upset about something, so she gets a good cuddle and a chat.
When she was 2, we could distract her from a tantrum by saying "Hey, do you want to know something interesting?" and she'd immediately snap out of it with an expectant look on her face. DH and I would then have to come up with some fascinating scientific or historical factoid, and she'd love it!
I would never ban DH from tv, or take his iPhone off him, or send him to his room - or smack him! - nor make him a sticker chart so I wouldn't do that to DD either.
Maybe Google unconditional parenting, it's quite interesting

My advice:
1) stay calm-don't yell!
2) stay kind
3) be very, very specific. In fact, for our now lovely dd23 (who is also PG), we wrote nearly everything down. We had contracts for everything and we used lists. We had (and still have with our children at home) family meetings weekly, and we took copious notes when dd was little (she'd often argue the specifics of what we asked, what she was supposed to do, etc).
4) don't argue - see above. My God, when they're PG, they can argue ALL DAY. I'm not saying to not give them an explanation if asked, but that's it. I don't negotiate all day, especially on stupid stuff (and yes, I actually do get to decide what is stupid stuff).
5) Don't put up with disrespect. If I got an eye roll as she was leaving the room, I let it go. If I got straight on making faces/rolling eyes/yelling... I just calmly said, "I'm not going to have this conversation with you if you can't ask respectfully." Then I'd leave.
6) position them to be successful. Don't let them make bad decisions to "learn a lesson." We don't put sweets in younger ds's lunch because he can't remember to eat healthier food first. We had a TV timer for years which shut off automatically after the kids reached their daily limit, so they didn't have to remember. Don't rely on willpower.

We didn't do a lot of punishments, to be honest. But we were pretty strict. I think that by making sure they made good decisions (sleeping, eating, planning homework, etc), we had fewer conflict. But, in the end, parenting really wasn't a democracy for us. I don't yell at or hit my dh or my kids, but I do tell my kids when to go to bed (at least at 6) and I let my dh decide for himself.
I also think SO much depends on the individual kid. We have one grown child with whom I've rarely if ever had a conflict. we have another who is that rare teenage boy who will come down to the kitchen at 6am and unload the dishwasher, start my coffee, and make his brother's lunch. Then... we also have our oldest, who routinely had little self control, argued a ton, and was overwhelmed by her emotions rather frequently. And we have our youngest, who although not as emotional, will often make bad decisions due to lack of self control. So, he logically knows that he should (do his homework/put his stuff away/go to bed etc) but he would have lacked the self control not to watch ESPN all night if we hadn't stepped in. Yes, some kids would catch on after being exhausted at school the next day, but believe me, not all. I think at 6, you want to limit the explanations and negotiations and conversations. Treat him well, treat him kindly, be specific, but be the parent. I don't think that what you need to do is very different for a PG kid, but you might be more likely to end up frustrated and exhausted. ;)(and btw, dd23 is now a wonderful, respectful, and kind daughter and sister... and youngest ds, now 11, actually turned OFF his favorite college bball team this weekend to do homework... enough guiding and helping and they eventually do catch on).
Good luck.

Just wanted to say thank you: to 1111 for bringing up the topic and to everyone else for their suggestions. Lots of good stuff we can use to freshen up our own interaction with DD11 (who's entering a new stage of hormone-induced defiance and stress).

Momtofour, I think lists will work with DS. He is very analytical. Great idea. I think I will have DH write a contract that DS and we will have to sign. Stating the rules and consequences.

I have stayed calm since posting this, but BOY, is it hard....

Things have been better the past few days. Maybe clearer expectations, maybe a different tone...not sure. But it is better.