Gifted Issues Discussion homepage Forums Parenting and Advocacy What would you say?

We have decided to homeschool DD4 and, as is natural, the topic of kindergarten comes up often at the park, museum etc. We are new to our city and would very much like to meet people, but inevitably when I am honest about starting to homeschool I often get asked why I made the decision. Our local elementary schools are considered the best in the area and so logic follows we must have moved to our neighborhood for the schools. Unfortunately that is not the case, DH works close to the house. I generally say something along the line of DD learns a bit differently. That answer seems to totally kill the conversation. I generally don't want to end the conversation, but I haven't found a softer way to be honest and not kill the conversation. In hindsight I am sure the comment is being construed in all sorts of ways, most of which are completely wrong - our schools won't work for you?? your DD has some serious learning disabilities etc. I keep hoping someone who is genuinely interested will read between the lines and ask more, but that hasn't really happened.

DH think I'm being silly in my desire to have a softer answer and he views honesty as the best policy as well as a gating mechanism to people I may want to be friends with in the long run. He believes if the parent I am talking to is cool with something like "DD has exhausted the kindergarten and first grade curriculum already so putting her in kindergarten isn't the right fit, so the only way we can see to keep up with her is to start homeschooling," then they may be someone we may want to be friends with in the long run. While I am in total agreement that being able to have conversation about what it is parenting DD is essential in the long run, I am not totally convinced his method is the best playground conversation. Although to be fair I haven't tried his method

I know many of you must have been in this situation, or at least something similar. How honest are you? What do you say to people with kids in B&M schools as well as other homeschooling families?

Possibly sharing that your child enjoys hands-on projects and independent research... or frequent field trips and museum visits... etc... may keep a conversation open and help find things in common with other moms, upon which a friendship may be built?

How about "my husband and I have decided that at this point home schooling is the best option for our child. Have you ever been bungy jumping?"

Well said... Great to include a change of topic for a continued conversation. Smooth segue.

In my experience most conversations at the park or museum are fluff and the odds of alienating someone that I might have other things in common with aren't worth the incredibly slim chance that they are also dealing with a gifted kid. To 98% of the population the statement of "she's beyond the curriculum..." will come off as some sort of super-tiger mom bragging and they will run away. Honestly, 7 years ago I probably would have had the same reaction and probably assumed it was all about the parent. We don't homeschool but when we talk about school or my kids in general I generally keep it vague, find other things to talk about and if we click in other ways eventually we might get there. Most people who hang around my DS for more than 20 minutes (DD is more subtle) eventually say something or give me the "what did he just say?" look at which point I usually shrug and smile. Most people probably assume I'm at home drilling him on things and FORCING him to learn about the odd things he's babbling on about. Honestly, we don't need more fuel for the force field of oddness that can sometimes surround him Of course YMMV.

This. If you're looking for other parents with simialr kids, try chess, Lego, art, HSing groups, drama, even advanced athletics if your kid is inclined. There are a lot of possibilities. I don't think dropping this stuff into random conversation is likely to pan out well. Where I live, HSing is not uncommon, so a simple "We plan to homeschool" would be fine, perhaps followed up with "We think it will work best for us/we're excited to start/there are lots of opportunities" etc.

I wouldn't abruptly change the subject, because it can be hard to find common interests with people, and, hey, look, we both have kids, let's talk about parenting. It's one of those social grease things. Refusing to talk about it could be seen as being anti-social.

I've employed your DH's method, and while I don't have a lot of friends here, it's not because of blowback from being too honest about my DD. These conversations mainly happen in casual situations where I wasn't going to be bonding long-term with the people anyway... like at the park, or at one of DD's activities. It has often proven to be a topic of mutual interest, and sparked some interesting conversations.

The only time I ever felt self-conscious about it was the one time a bunch of parents were talking about how their kids failed to get into G/T, and all the efforts they were considering (private testing, etc) to get them in. That was pretty awkward, considering that I don't think the floor is all that high, so maybe their kids shouldn't be in it, though I kept that much to myself.

I find it much easier to talk to parents at the rink or soccer field (or something else) where DS is decidedly average. It is much less threatening for parents to bond over your kids being off in the corner picking dandelions rather than being the team super-star. It is also good for DS to have something other than astrophysics or prime numbers as common ground with his peers since we have yet to encounter another 7 year old that has any of his other interests. As a bonus it has made DS realize that some things take practice, not everything is easy and we've been able to use this when he is frustrated when kids in his class have to work at something that is easy to him.

ITA with ultramarina - some clubs/activities are more likely than others to find like minded kids. Not sure where you live but hopefully there are some options there as well.

Well in light of the fact the other parents have preschoolers and school is probably making them nervous, maybe active listening might be easiest. You could just emphasize you are glad the schools in the district are so good, you have always planned to try home schooling but knowing there are good alternatives available is a comfort. Then get them to tell you all about how they decided and what their concerns are.

I have one about to start school and I wish he didn't have to go. I bet there is more than one mum at tge park thinking that. Before I though it was just people trying to tell you that you should send your child to school.

If you are new to the area, do you have a good idea of the academic skills of young kids in the area? We live in an area with good schools, and I think that probably 80% of the kids entering kindergarten know most or all of the material. Maybe the other kids know the material too?

I attended a private school in the same area we live in now, and we only had 12 kids in the kindergarten class. Three of us could read. I'm not sure if 25% of all kids in the area can read when they enter kindergarten, but there were certainly children at my kids' preschool who could read (not mine, though youngest would read stuff out in public, such as a sign or flyer, then quickly deny that she read it).

If you say she "learns differently", I would assume that she had an LD. I think you should phrase that in a different way. I recall a kid whose mother always led him around, holding his hand. Kid sort of had a blank look on his face. Most other kids thought he had some serious LDs. It turns out that the mother was overly protective (due to a truly traumatic event he witnessed at a very young age), but the kid was brilliant and went to an Ivy.

Just mention to others a few things she likes to learn about, or a few skills, and you might be surprised. Just don't mention anything way out there (like Calculus). And check out activities with kids with similar interests - library Lego Club, nature camps, etc. If the area has good schools, there are bound to be some activities like these.